RYANN AND JOSEPH PUT AN OFFER IN ON A HOUSE ONLY 4 MILES AWAY FROM US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
are you freaking kidding me?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
called
after talking to tess, and then with Nathan, i decided to call Ronee and tell her that i was not okay to speak at the thing today. i apologized like crazy becuase i felt like a jerk doing it, but like Tess said- it was kind of a jerk thing to do to spring that on me without asking first. I tried to be okay with it. Ive tried to relax about it and calm down and just bite the bullet and do it, but its not working.
ronee was like "not even one little part?" and "haven't you had to give a presention before for a class or anything?" she didn't make it easy. I felt really bad. I still do, but Tess kept saying "yeah, but if that's what you have to do to make you okay and to not affect your classes, then it's what you have to do".
i have to see Ronee tomorrow afternoon.
i want to crawl into a hole.
im going to relax for a little bit, calm down, maybe study. then go to work.
i've just been granted 5 more hours of Sunday.
i hope she forgives me.
i'm still new to this whole standing up for myself thing.
it's not that easy..
ronee was like "not even one little part?" and "haven't you had to give a presention before for a class or anything?" she didn't make it easy. I felt really bad. I still do, but Tess kept saying "yeah, but if that's what you have to do to make you okay and to not affect your classes, then it's what you have to do".
i have to see Ronee tomorrow afternoon.
i want to crawl into a hole.
im going to relax for a little bit, calm down, maybe study. then go to work.
i've just been granted 5 more hours of Sunday.
i hope she forgives me.
i'm still new to this whole standing up for myself thing.
it's not that easy..
crash
i'm to the point where getting in a car accident today sounds like an amazing thing... just so that I can't make it to the ceremony today.
mom and nathan weren't too keen on that plan.
but that's what i came up with when i was brainstorming...
mom and nathan weren't too keen on that plan.
but that's what i came up with when i was brainstorming...
Saturday, March 28, 2009
bombarded
Avery's birthday party was fun. Brandon and Jenny were there, too. I played with Natalie a lot before dinner. She's so fricking cute I can barely stand it.
After presents and birthday stuff i went to Avery's closet to study so that I could have some quietness. (it's a spacious closet and has a light, and it's the only other option i had since it's a small temporary apt.)
I got a little bit done for mycology, but hardly enough.
I had gone over a little bit of hematology in the morning, but hardly enough of that either.
Im going to try getting to the 7am Mass tomorrow so that i can get to work early and hopefully study a little bit before the dreaded induction ceremony. mom suggested taking ativan before hand. i have to get there an hour before it starts, so if i take it as soon as i get to campus i wont have to drive while on it. Nathan said i should do the same thing when he called tonight- without knowing mom said that. So... okay. I will. Hopefully I can find it. I think I have a couple left.
I've been freaking out. i just feel bombarded with so many things all at once. so i just shut down. but i don't have time to shut down.
lack of time, lack of exercise, lack of studying, lack of space in my brain for all of this information. The stress of these exams that cover a lot of stuff. The fact I never was asked to do this thing tomorrow, simply told, after the programs were already printed. It pisses me off. The fact that Avery's party was today and that the thing is tomorrow and that it's bad timing. and i'm freaking out because i haven't exercised for a few days and I don't know when I"ll get the chance to... probably not until Friday. and that's not okay with me. but i dont have much choice because these exams are big and i can't blow it just because i had to workout.
when did my priorities change? eh, probably once my classes got harder? it's harder to study while working out now that things are more detailed. i can't multitask as well... and something has to give.
rozerem is kicking in. Good.
I'm in desperate need of sleep and 6am is going to come very quickly.
I can't wait for this weekend, and this week to be over with.
I wish i could bail on Ronee, or yell at her, or something (angry emails don't count). but i can't do that to her.
i wish i could. i wish i was that type of person. i wish we weren't friends (that sounds wrong... just.. if we weren't friends i wouldn't feel as bad backing out last minute)
whatever. i quit as secretary once this is over. it'll look good at my interviews this summer and i'll get the honor cords when i graduate. Good enough for me.
and im never doing this again.
After presents and birthday stuff i went to Avery's closet to study so that I could have some quietness. (it's a spacious closet and has a light, and it's the only other option i had since it's a small temporary apt.)
I got a little bit done for mycology, but hardly enough.
I had gone over a little bit of hematology in the morning, but hardly enough of that either.
Im going to try getting to the 7am Mass tomorrow so that i can get to work early and hopefully study a little bit before the dreaded induction ceremony. mom suggested taking ativan before hand. i have to get there an hour before it starts, so if i take it as soon as i get to campus i wont have to drive while on it. Nathan said i should do the same thing when he called tonight- without knowing mom said that. So... okay. I will. Hopefully I can find it. I think I have a couple left.
I've been freaking out. i just feel bombarded with so many things all at once. so i just shut down. but i don't have time to shut down.
lack of time, lack of exercise, lack of studying, lack of space in my brain for all of this information. The stress of these exams that cover a lot of stuff. The fact I never was asked to do this thing tomorrow, simply told, after the programs were already printed. It pisses me off. The fact that Avery's party was today and that the thing is tomorrow and that it's bad timing. and i'm freaking out because i haven't exercised for a few days and I don't know when I"ll get the chance to... probably not until Friday. and that's not okay with me. but i dont have much choice because these exams are big and i can't blow it just because i had to workout.
when did my priorities change? eh, probably once my classes got harder? it's harder to study while working out now that things are more detailed. i can't multitask as well... and something has to give.
rozerem is kicking in. Good.
I'm in desperate need of sleep and 6am is going to come very quickly.
I can't wait for this weekend, and this week to be over with.
I wish i could bail on Ronee, or yell at her, or something (angry emails don't count). but i can't do that to her.
i wish i could. i wish i was that type of person. i wish we weren't friends (that sounds wrong... just.. if we weren't friends i wouldn't feel as bad backing out last minute)
whatever. i quit as secretary once this is over. it'll look good at my interviews this summer and i'll get the honor cords when i graduate. Good enough for me.
and im never doing this again.
pissed
I'm really mad at Ronee.
I am beyond dreading tomorrow.
If only we weren't friends.... if only I didn't see her all the time or sit across the bench from her in lab two days every week. I could just not show up. I could be like Mike (our VP) and not return emails or phone calls, and not show up to anything. But i see her. I could say I"m sick (I asked ryann and avery to breathe on me yesterday in the hopes i'll get sick and/or have laryngitis or something), but we have class together Monday, so it would be hard to say i'm sick and show up the next day feeling fine. I'd have to be sick for real and so far I'm not coughing yet.
I was never asked, I was never given any say in this whatsoever. I emailed her and asked if ANYONE else could fill in for me and she said my name was already printed in the programs.
i never told her to print my name. she printed the programs before i was even told i was doing this. TOLD. not ASKED.
this is such BS.
i've been freaking out and crying and shaking and feeling sick to my stomach.
i can't even focus on studying because i'm freaking out.
i emailed Mike in a last ditch attempt to get ahold of him so that he'd fill in for me. i know he probably won't respond, but it's worth a try i guess.
i hate this.
is this what i get for having a 3.9?
well shit, i should have failed a few classes then.
then i wouldn't be in this situation.
I am beyond dreading tomorrow.
If only we weren't friends.... if only I didn't see her all the time or sit across the bench from her in lab two days every week. I could just not show up. I could be like Mike (our VP) and not return emails or phone calls, and not show up to anything. But i see her. I could say I"m sick (I asked ryann and avery to breathe on me yesterday in the hopes i'll get sick and/or have laryngitis or something), but we have class together Monday, so it would be hard to say i'm sick and show up the next day feeling fine. I'd have to be sick for real and so far I'm not coughing yet.
I was never asked, I was never given any say in this whatsoever. I emailed her and asked if ANYONE else could fill in for me and she said my name was already printed in the programs.
i never told her to print my name. she printed the programs before i was even told i was doing this. TOLD. not ASKED.
this is such BS.
i've been freaking out and crying and shaking and feeling sick to my stomach.
i can't even focus on studying because i'm freaking out.
i emailed Mike in a last ditch attempt to get ahold of him so that he'd fill in for me. i know he probably won't respond, but it's worth a try i guess.
i hate this.
is this what i get for having a 3.9?
well shit, i should have failed a few classes then.
then i wouldn't be in this situation.
Friday, March 27, 2009
I don't like people
Immunology exam was weird again. I don't understand this professor anymore. I think I did fine overall, but I'm just pissed over some of his multiple choice questions. He had a few questions on rheumatoid arthritis which we're going to learn about NEXT WEEK. So what's all that about? I think he gets immunology and pathology mixed up when he's writing his exams because they're always so screwy.
I have hematology and mycology next week. And I'm trying so hard not to freak out. It's so much material for both classes.. the hematology exam will cover more than an inch thick of paper full of details about every single red blood cell disorder. for multiple-multiple choice and short answer. There is no half knowing anything, no bsing. I have to know it all.
Mycology- so far we have 40 species of fungus to know details about (what it looks like under a microscope from a patient specimen, what the colony would look like at 25 and 37 degree (C) and what it would look like under the microscope if you made a slide from the culture plate.... which looks different than it would from a patient...)
And we have one more lecture on Monday, so we'll probably get another 10 or so more to learn about by Wednesday.
Saturday is Avery's 5th birthday and she's having a birthday party. So there goes most of Saturday.
Sunday, I found out two days ago, is the induction ceremony for the honor society, and since i'm the secretary, I have to SPEAK.
Ok, I don't do public speaking. I don't do microphones. Microscopes, yes. Microphones, no. Not only is 5 hours of my Sunday tied up, I'm getting sick to my stomach whenever I THINK about having to talk in front of all those people. I kept giving Ronee death stares in mycology lab on Wednesday when she told me that. I'm so pissed off.
There goes my weekend. When do I get to go to work? I will for a little bit today, but I can't get charts done on Friday because Friday is the busiest day and I can't get many of the charts because they're being used. I try to avoid working MWF. I usually prefer weekends when they're closed, but I don't know how that's going to happen now.
I'M SO MAD ABOUT THE INDUCTION CEREMONY.
I told Ronee I wasn't happy about speaking and really really really wasn't okay with it. She just laughed it off like i was kidding. But i am NOT kidding. I don't do people. Why do you think i want to work in a LAB? I don't have to talk to cadavers. I dont have to talk to bacteria or blood samples. I don't have to see or talk or touch the patients. I run tests, make the decision, give out the reports, and am never seen. End of story.
I don't like people.
At all.
I have hematology and mycology next week. And I'm trying so hard not to freak out. It's so much material for both classes.. the hematology exam will cover more than an inch thick of paper full of details about every single red blood cell disorder. for multiple-multiple choice and short answer. There is no half knowing anything, no bsing. I have to know it all.
Mycology- so far we have 40 species of fungus to know details about (what it looks like under a microscope from a patient specimen, what the colony would look like at 25 and 37 degree (C) and what it would look like under the microscope if you made a slide from the culture plate.... which looks different than it would from a patient...)
And we have one more lecture on Monday, so we'll probably get another 10 or so more to learn about by Wednesday.
Saturday is Avery's 5th birthday and she's having a birthday party. So there goes most of Saturday.
Sunday, I found out two days ago, is the induction ceremony for the honor society, and since i'm the secretary, I have to SPEAK.
Ok, I don't do public speaking. I don't do microphones. Microscopes, yes. Microphones, no. Not only is 5 hours of my Sunday tied up, I'm getting sick to my stomach whenever I THINK about having to talk in front of all those people. I kept giving Ronee death stares in mycology lab on Wednesday when she told me that. I'm so pissed off.
There goes my weekend. When do I get to go to work? I will for a little bit today, but I can't get charts done on Friday because Friday is the busiest day and I can't get many of the charts because they're being used. I try to avoid working MWF. I usually prefer weekends when they're closed, but I don't know how that's going to happen now.
I'M SO MAD ABOUT THE INDUCTION CEREMONY.
I told Ronee I wasn't happy about speaking and really really really wasn't okay with it. She just laughed it off like i was kidding. But i am NOT kidding. I don't do people. Why do you think i want to work in a LAB? I don't have to talk to cadavers. I dont have to talk to bacteria or blood samples. I don't have to see or talk or touch the patients. I run tests, make the decision, give out the reports, and am never seen. End of story.
I don't like people.
At all.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Fight Inside- Red
My new favorite song. It's perfect.
Enemy, familiar friend
My beginning and my end.
Knowing truth, whispering lies
And it hurts again.
What I fear and what I've tried,
Words I say and what I hide.
All the pain, I want it to end
But I want it again.
And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins.
And it's raging
The fight inside is breaking me again.
I'm still the same, pursuing pain.
Is it worth all that I've gained?
We both know how this will end,
But I'd do it again.
And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins.
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again.
And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under.
And without You
The fight inside is breaking me again.
Enemy, familiar friend
My beginning and my end.
Knowing truth, whispering lies
And it hurts again.
What I fear and what I've tried,
Words I say and what I hide.
All the pain, I want it to end
But I want it again.
And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins.
And it's raging
The fight inside is breaking me again.
I'm still the same, pursuing pain.
Is it worth all that I've gained?
We both know how this will end,
But I'd do it again.
And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins.
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again.
And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under.
And without You
The fight inside is breaking me again.
Monday, March 23, 2009
one thing after another.
Blech. Exams suck. I have immuno on wednesday. I spent 3.5 hrs in the library after my classes today studying before I got burnt out.
Casey called me today, and I was glad I was in the library so that I had an excuse not to talk to her. She said "hey i'll be in town for the baby shower in April, and if you need help with wedding stuff i can help you. If you want to try on dresses or something."
i said her baby shower is the week before finals and i doubt i'll be able to have much time for much else. she said 'oh, okay'
but seriously- Ryann is here. ryann LIVES here. ryann is my maid of honor. i want Ryann do to that type of thing with me. i felt this protective anger over ryann when casey asked me that. i wanted to say, "no, ryann is my favorite, stay out of it".
but that's mean to think, and i like Casey too, so i don't know why i'd feel that way.
it'll be nice when i actually have time to spend with Ry. She's been here awhile but ive been so bogged down with school, i still haven't made it to their apartment. i couldn't even babysit the girls on saturday when they went to look at houses-- mom and dad had to instead.
(how do i not get sick of songs even though i listen to them 100 times in a row?)
after this semster i'll have more time to spend with her. which i need. i miss her. it's weird to have her living 30 minutes away and still not be seeing her all of the time.
i hate school right now.
i can't wait for this semester to end.
a lot of things will get better once it's over.
(except summer means internship interviews.... shit.)
Casey called me today, and I was glad I was in the library so that I had an excuse not to talk to her. She said "hey i'll be in town for the baby shower in April, and if you need help with wedding stuff i can help you. If you want to try on dresses or something."
i said her baby shower is the week before finals and i doubt i'll be able to have much time for much else. she said 'oh, okay'
but seriously- Ryann is here. ryann LIVES here. ryann is my maid of honor. i want Ryann do to that type of thing with me. i felt this protective anger over ryann when casey asked me that. i wanted to say, "no, ryann is my favorite, stay out of it".
but that's mean to think, and i like Casey too, so i don't know why i'd feel that way.
it'll be nice when i actually have time to spend with Ry. She's been here awhile but ive been so bogged down with school, i still haven't made it to their apartment. i couldn't even babysit the girls on saturday when they went to look at houses-- mom and dad had to instead.
(how do i not get sick of songs even though i listen to them 100 times in a row?)
after this semster i'll have more time to spend with her. which i need. i miss her. it's weird to have her living 30 minutes away and still not be seeing her all of the time.
i hate school right now.
i can't wait for this semester to end.
a lot of things will get better once it's over.
(except summer means internship interviews.... shit.)
Friday, March 20, 2009
Bones
I got my bone density results from Rogers today. They gave me two sets- one as my ethinicity being "pediatric" (?) and one as being "white"
Pediatric:
Hip: -1.2 --> osteopenic
Lumbar spine: -1.4 --> osteopenic
(L1: -1.0
L2: -1.7
L3: -0.5
L4: -1.9)
White:
Hip: -0.6 --> normal
Lumbar spine: -1.5 --> osteopenic
(L1: -0.9
L2: -1.7
L3: -0.8
L4: -2.3 (oh shit!))
-2.5 to -1.0 is considered osteopenia.
I don't why they ran the numbers two different ways. And I don't know why they only did those two areas... when Ive never had a problem with either of them. I want to know how my FEMURS are so that I can know when my FEMURS are strong enough to run. I dont' care about my back or my left hip.
I only care about L4 because according to the "white" report I'm only 0.2 away from osteoporosis.
Basically, I don't understand any of this.
Pediatric:
Hip: -1.2 --> osteopenic
Lumbar spine: -1.4 --> osteopenic
(L1: -1.0
L2: -1.7
L3: -0.5
L4: -1.9)
White:
Hip: -0.6 --> normal
Lumbar spine: -1.5 --> osteopenic
(L1: -0.9
L2: -1.7
L3: -0.8
L4: -2.3 (oh shit!))
-2.5 to -1.0 is considered osteopenia.
I don't why they ran the numbers two different ways. And I don't know why they only did those two areas... when Ive never had a problem with either of them. I want to know how my FEMURS are so that I can know when my FEMURS are strong enough to run. I dont' care about my back or my left hip.
I only care about L4 because according to the "white" report I'm only 0.2 away from osteoporosis.
Basically, I don't understand any of this.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
weak
I went swimminng last night. I tried using a kick board for the first time ever. whoa! when i swam in highschool swim class, my knees were messed up, so all i could do was freestyle and backstroke. and all i did was pull with my arms. i barely kick. So i decided to use a kickboard, thinking it would be easy. boy was i wrong. There's a difference when you actually kick. ha. concept. my legs were screaming at me. i loved it.
I didn't go to hematology or hemato lab this morning. :(
i woke up with my stomach on fire. it hurt so much and i couldn't get into any position that would make it feel better. i made it to my car with my keys in the ignition when i decided i was going back inside to curl up on the couch and study. What we were going to cover during lecture today (G6PD deficiency and PK deficiency) we covered in biochem last semester, so it's not completely new to me. I figured today, out of any other day, would be the one to miss.
I was already not going to anatomy lab tonight (bummer. ha) because i have to work with stacy on Dr B's book. My stomach feels better now. I just ate some lunch and it feels fine. I have NO idea what was up with it earlier.
Since I can't run, I've decided I'm going to change my focus. I'm going to work on doing a lot of variety and really strengthening my legs and core, so that when i CAN run, i'll be strong and ready to go. My femur pain is managable with motrin, so I can still get through workouts. i need to work on my arms too. they used to be a lot stronger than they are now.
swimming last night was pretty pathetic.
oh. and V8.
why didn't anyone ever mention v8? I'll drink that.
1 8oz serving:
50 calories, 490mg potassium, and i forget the sodium.
no sugar, no artifical sweetners.
are you kidding?
that's a million times better than gatorade or pedialyte.
I can do v8.
(surprise, surprise, no change in the cramping)
(because the electrolyte thing is BS)
Stacy will be here soon.
I should go get stuff together.
I didn't go to hematology or hemato lab this morning. :(
i woke up with my stomach on fire. it hurt so much and i couldn't get into any position that would make it feel better. i made it to my car with my keys in the ignition when i decided i was going back inside to curl up on the couch and study. What we were going to cover during lecture today (G6PD deficiency and PK deficiency) we covered in biochem last semester, so it's not completely new to me. I figured today, out of any other day, would be the one to miss.
I was already not going to anatomy lab tonight (bummer. ha) because i have to work with stacy on Dr B's book. My stomach feels better now. I just ate some lunch and it feels fine. I have NO idea what was up with it earlier.
Since I can't run, I've decided I'm going to change my focus. I'm going to work on doing a lot of variety and really strengthening my legs and core, so that when i CAN run, i'll be strong and ready to go. My femur pain is managable with motrin, so I can still get through workouts. i need to work on my arms too. they used to be a lot stronger than they are now.
swimming last night was pretty pathetic.
oh. and V8.
why didn't anyone ever mention v8? I'll drink that.
1 8oz serving:
50 calories, 490mg potassium, and i forget the sodium.
no sugar, no artifical sweetners.
are you kidding?
that's a million times better than gatorade or pedialyte.
I can do v8.
(surprise, surprise, no change in the cramping)
(because the electrolyte thing is BS)
Stacy will be here soon.
I should go get stuff together.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
effort
i have therapy again tomorrow.
normally i go every 2 or 3 weeks, but this time it's the next week.
i shouldn't have agreed to that.
not only will it be another day of not working out (3 in a row if i don't do it tonight. blech), i'm just so emotionally tired and drained right now.
i got my workbooks from rogers out last night and started working on part 2 since i left there before i ever got a chance to do it.
it's interesting, i guess. i hadn't really done CBT stuff prior to going there.
thinking shouldn't take so much effort, though.
normally i go every 2 or 3 weeks, but this time it's the next week.
i shouldn't have agreed to that.
not only will it be another day of not working out (3 in a row if i don't do it tonight. blech), i'm just so emotionally tired and drained right now.
i got my workbooks from rogers out last night and started working on part 2 since i left there before i ever got a chance to do it.
it's interesting, i guess. i hadn't really done CBT stuff prior to going there.
thinking shouldn't take so much effort, though.
fragile
okay, what on earth?
Friday, my thigh didn't hurt that bad- I didn't even mention it to my doctor because I figured whatever was up with my thigh was getting better.
This weekend, it started hurting more, and today, it hurts even more. I'm on maximum about of motrin.. and i'm still limping.
and since you can't get shin splits in your thigh, it's not difficult to distinguish stress fractures and shin splints, and when it feels just like it did last summer, just in a different femur...
DAMN IT.
i didn't even do anything. i did the free climber on Saturday. maybe that's higher impact than i thought? i ran last wednesday, but not since then.
i didnt even workout yesterday.
and i probably won't tonight because i'm tired and my leg still hurts.
I'm sick of this.
Friday, my thigh didn't hurt that bad- I didn't even mention it to my doctor because I figured whatever was up with my thigh was getting better.
This weekend, it started hurting more, and today, it hurts even more. I'm on maximum about of motrin.. and i'm still limping.
and since you can't get shin splits in your thigh, it's not difficult to distinguish stress fractures and shin splints, and when it feels just like it did last summer, just in a different femur...
DAMN IT.
i didn't even do anything. i did the free climber on Saturday. maybe that's higher impact than i thought? i ran last wednesday, but not since then.
i didnt even workout yesterday.
and i probably won't tonight because i'm tired and my leg still hurts.
I'm sick of this.
Stuck
I'm emotionally exhausted right now.
Susan and Lisa both agree that unless I confront and/or forgive them and move on that I can't fully recover. And since I'm afraid to confront them, him especially, I'm afraid I'll never be fully over it.
She said- what if you write letters to never send-
But you see, I've done that. I've done that many times. It doesn't work. It's not enough.
He said- maybe it'll be easier to do when I've moved out. That it might be awkward to do now, while I'm still in the house. But then that means I have to wait a year and a half.
I can't stand this for another year and a half.
But why can't I just move on?
Why can't I leave it behind and stop letting them ruin me?
Susan and Lisa both agree that unless I confront and/or forgive them and move on that I can't fully recover. And since I'm afraid to confront them, him especially, I'm afraid I'll never be fully over it.
She said- what if you write letters to never send-
But you see, I've done that. I've done that many times. It doesn't work. It's not enough.
He said- maybe it'll be easier to do when I've moved out. That it might be awkward to do now, while I'm still in the house. But then that means I have to wait a year and a half.
I can't stand this for another year and a half.
But why can't I just move on?
Why can't I leave it behind and stop letting them ruin me?
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
blessings
I'm talking to a friend online right now, and i told her about the doctors today, and i said: "I guess God is teaching me patience right now"
Friend: "patience, and to look at the blessings more. you're not anorexic anymore, and that's huge."
very good point.
i thanked her for that.
Friend: "patience, and to look at the blessings more. you're not anorexic anymore, and that's huge."
very good point.
i thanked her for that.
banned
I saw my doctor today. I think I went through half a box of tissues while he was talking to me.
He says my bones can take up to 2 or 3 years to repair, and even then, not everyone gets back fully to where they were before their bones weakened. So, my pitiful little 9 months of calcium is nothing. He xrayed my left shin to see if i had a stress fracture- nothing showed up, but stress fractures ususally require bone scans to be able to see them, so i might have one. He gave me two options: get a bone scan and know for sure, or just cross train a few more weeks until the pain goes away. I'm sick of hospitals and didn't want another bone scan, and I shouldn't run anyway, so I'll just let it heal- whatever it is.
My calves and feet problem he believes to be due to electrolyte imbalance. I protested this, since I havne't restricted or over exercised since last July, but he said i mostly likely still metabolize things differently, and it can take awhile for things to go back to normal. He asked if I've ever had gatorade. i said "um, they force fed that to me in the hospital". so he told me to try a diff. flavor or talk to my dietician about other options to get electrolytes in me somehow. I asked about bananas, and he said those are good, but he wants to replace some of the water i'm drinking with something else.
i told him i'd see what i could do.
so after all of this i asked him "will i ever run again?"
and he said YES.
he said it'll be awhile, but he sees no reason for me not to work SLOWLY up to it.
once my shin has healed, he said just walk every other day building up time, not speed. i'll have to do that for a long time to give my bones more time, but it'll help with my calves and feet too.
he said it'll be like strength training any other muscle or tissue. he said "you don't start out bench pressing 150 pounds, you start off lighter and slowly build up weight. we'll treat your bones and muscles the same way with your walking and running"
it makes sense. it's just frustrating.
i got some physical therapy exercises to do for my feet, too.
i'm frustrated because I feel like my 9 months of eating well have been for nothing. My stomach is still a mess, my bones are still weak, my muscles are still a mess, my heart is weird (although no one else seems concerned by that).
i know, logically, that if these last 9 months were anything what they were in the 1-2 years preceding this- i'd be a lot worse off than i am now.
and so i'm trying to remind myself of that, and to be gentle on myself. but it's hard. the whole time i was in there, crying as he told me these things, i couldn't help but realize it's all my fault. How can i not blame myself?
I shot myself in the foot as far as running goes. it's my own damn fault i'm unable to run.
why doesn't 9 healthy months count for anything?
i was going to go to work tonight but i'm not in the mood to be around people (mom, ryann and the girls aren't here right now). i'd rather study a lot today and be able to work more this weekend when the office is closed. i know i keep putting work off, but i just hate being there when everyone is in there working. plus i've been off and on crying all day, and i really don't want to be this emotional while im at work.
so i'm off to study some mycology (parasitology is technically over- we've switched to mycology and in a few weeks it'll be virology...). which doesn't sound fun, either, but i have an exam Monday, so I better get moving.
He says my bones can take up to 2 or 3 years to repair, and even then, not everyone gets back fully to where they were before their bones weakened. So, my pitiful little 9 months of calcium is nothing. He xrayed my left shin to see if i had a stress fracture- nothing showed up, but stress fractures ususally require bone scans to be able to see them, so i might have one. He gave me two options: get a bone scan and know for sure, or just cross train a few more weeks until the pain goes away. I'm sick of hospitals and didn't want another bone scan, and I shouldn't run anyway, so I'll just let it heal- whatever it is.
My calves and feet problem he believes to be due to electrolyte imbalance. I protested this, since I havne't restricted or over exercised since last July, but he said i mostly likely still metabolize things differently, and it can take awhile for things to go back to normal. He asked if I've ever had gatorade. i said "um, they force fed that to me in the hospital". so he told me to try a diff. flavor or talk to my dietician about other options to get electrolytes in me somehow. I asked about bananas, and he said those are good, but he wants to replace some of the water i'm drinking with something else.
i told him i'd see what i could do.
so after all of this i asked him "will i ever run again?"
and he said YES.
he said it'll be awhile, but he sees no reason for me not to work SLOWLY up to it.
once my shin has healed, he said just walk every other day building up time, not speed. i'll have to do that for a long time to give my bones more time, but it'll help with my calves and feet too.
he said it'll be like strength training any other muscle or tissue. he said "you don't start out bench pressing 150 pounds, you start off lighter and slowly build up weight. we'll treat your bones and muscles the same way with your walking and running"
it makes sense. it's just frustrating.
i got some physical therapy exercises to do for my feet, too.
i'm frustrated because I feel like my 9 months of eating well have been for nothing. My stomach is still a mess, my bones are still weak, my muscles are still a mess, my heart is weird (although no one else seems concerned by that).
i know, logically, that if these last 9 months were anything what they were in the 1-2 years preceding this- i'd be a lot worse off than i am now.
and so i'm trying to remind myself of that, and to be gentle on myself. but it's hard. the whole time i was in there, crying as he told me these things, i couldn't help but realize it's all my fault. How can i not blame myself?
I shot myself in the foot as far as running goes. it's my own damn fault i'm unable to run.
why doesn't 9 healthy months count for anything?
i was going to go to work tonight but i'm not in the mood to be around people (mom, ryann and the girls aren't here right now). i'd rather study a lot today and be able to work more this weekend when the office is closed. i know i keep putting work off, but i just hate being there when everyone is in there working. plus i've been off and on crying all day, and i really don't want to be this emotional while im at work.
so i'm off to study some mycology (parasitology is technically over- we've switched to mycology and in a few weeks it'll be virology...). which doesn't sound fun, either, but i have an exam Monday, so I better get moving.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
home
Ryann and the girls are at our house. They'll move into their temporary apartment Friday or Saturday when Joseph gets here. I can't believe they've actually moved back here. It hasn't sunk in yet.
Natalie is adorable.
I have parasit lab then immuno lecture left today. then studying for hematology with Karen after class. We have a test tomorrow... and the girls are at our house... Wonderful timing, eh?
Natalie is adorable.
I have parasit lab then immuno lecture left today. then studying for hematology with Karen after class. We have a test tomorrow... and the girls are at our house... Wonderful timing, eh?
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
blank
therapy today.
im so drained now.
i went to work right after, and only lasted a couple hours.
im so foggy, so dazed.
all i feel capable of doing is staring.
i'm physically drained from it.
meh.
im so drained now.
i went to work right after, and only lasted a couple hours.
im so foggy, so dazed.
all i feel capable of doing is staring.
i'm physically drained from it.
meh.
Monday, March 9, 2009
pissed
so i was up until 5am.
still planned on waking up by 8 so that i could get to the gym and then study before class.
but at 11am my mom came in my room and woke me up.
my alarm was set to 8PM.
i can't win.
so another day goes by without a workout.
and i hate myself a little bit more.
still planned on waking up by 8 so that i could get to the gym and then study before class.
but at 11am my mom came in my room and woke me up.
my alarm was set to 8PM.
i can't win.
so another day goes by without a workout.
and i hate myself a little bit more.
stuck
i feel like i'm stuck on a hampster wheel. which would be okay if i was a hampster, but since i'm not, it's not okay.
i feel stuck. i feel trapped.
it doesn't matter how hard im trying.
it's never enough.
i feel stuck. i feel trapped.
it doesn't matter how hard im trying.
it's never enough.
Friday, March 6, 2009
today
ive had a really productive morning so far.
hematology stuff is all making sense.
which makes me feel a lot better about things.
i'm going to the rec soon.
and i plan on running.
i don't care what my legs say.
i'm running today.
hematology stuff is all making sense.
which makes me feel a lot better about things.
i'm going to the rec soon.
and i plan on running.
i don't care what my legs say.
i'm running today.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
rushed
ugh. life.
i'm glad i like hematology.
if i didn't like at least one of my classes... i'd be hating school a lot right now.
anemias are really interesting.
jayme and i studied hypoproliferative anemias today in between our labs. I feel a lot better about all of those now.
I studied the macrocytic and megaloblastic anemias when I got home. now im typing up the notes and i'm half way through. i needed a quick break.
i'm glad i don't have classes on Friday.
i've been edgy lately.
i just feel... pressured.
like i have so much to do and there can't be any possible way that i'll manage to get it all done in time. it's just this feeling of being rushed, of not being able to relax for a minute.
i tried working out last night but wasn't able to do much. i think that's part of it. i felt guilty for working out when i have so many things to study and cram into my head, plus work and other things. i didn't workout tonight either (uuuuuugggggggghhhhhhh) because i was feeling so anxious about hematology. so i came home and studied for a couple hours instead.
I WILL EXERCISE TOMORROW.
i have to. i know that isn't helping my anxiety levels at all.
i just always feel uneasy.
nathan wanted me to ask brandon if we could get together tomorrow night and i had a freak out in my mind for a second. i WANT to see my brother. but i can't lose two nights of the weekend (going to the hockey game saturday night!). tomorrow is just busy, and if i hung out with brandon i would lose all of my study time, except for a couple hours in the morning.
i've just freaking out.
and i don't even know why.
i have a hematology lab exam on tuesday, but that really shouldn't be that bad. it's just lab math.
we have a hematology lecture quiz on tuesday. at least it isn't a full exam, but still- her quizzes are hard and there is a lot of material for this one quiz. but it isn't an exam.
but that's all i have next week. so WHY am i freaking out right now?
i need to run.
figuratively and literally
i'm glad i like hematology.
if i didn't like at least one of my classes... i'd be hating school a lot right now.
anemias are really interesting.
jayme and i studied hypoproliferative anemias today in between our labs. I feel a lot better about all of those now.
I studied the macrocytic and megaloblastic anemias when I got home. now im typing up the notes and i'm half way through. i needed a quick break.
i'm glad i don't have classes on Friday.
i've been edgy lately.
i just feel... pressured.
like i have so much to do and there can't be any possible way that i'll manage to get it all done in time. it's just this feeling of being rushed, of not being able to relax for a minute.
i tried working out last night but wasn't able to do much. i think that's part of it. i felt guilty for working out when i have so many things to study and cram into my head, plus work and other things. i didn't workout tonight either (uuuuuugggggggghhhhhhh) because i was feeling so anxious about hematology. so i came home and studied for a couple hours instead.
I WILL EXERCISE TOMORROW.
i have to. i know that isn't helping my anxiety levels at all.
i just always feel uneasy.
nathan wanted me to ask brandon if we could get together tomorrow night and i had a freak out in my mind for a second. i WANT to see my brother. but i can't lose two nights of the weekend (going to the hockey game saturday night!). tomorrow is just busy, and if i hung out with brandon i would lose all of my study time, except for a couple hours in the morning.
i've just freaking out.
and i don't even know why.
i have a hematology lab exam on tuesday, but that really shouldn't be that bad. it's just lab math.
we have a hematology lecture quiz on tuesday. at least it isn't a full exam, but still- her quizzes are hard and there is a lot of material for this one quiz. but it isn't an exam.
but that's all i have next week. so WHY am i freaking out right now?
i need to run.
figuratively and literally
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
i don't know.
what the heck?
my immuno prof is NOT like he was when i had him for biochemistry. his exams are ridiculous. the short answers are NOT what he told us they'd be. at least for two of them, and things he told us would be short answers weren't even on there.
and i don't know where he came up with some of the multiple choice questions because we NEVER talked about some of that. it's so frustrating.
and then i wanted to get a good workout in, and i got to the rec and started working out and i wasn't feeling it. i got half way through my workout and went home.
i have so much to study.
im so overwhelmed.
hematology is interesting at least, but holy freaking cow.
i feel inadequate today.
my immuno prof is NOT like he was when i had him for biochemistry. his exams are ridiculous. the short answers are NOT what he told us they'd be. at least for two of them, and things he told us would be short answers weren't even on there.
and i don't know where he came up with some of the multiple choice questions because we NEVER talked about some of that. it's so frustrating.
and then i wanted to get a good workout in, and i got to the rec and started working out and i wasn't feeling it. i got half way through my workout and went home.
i have so much to study.
im so overwhelmed.
hematology is interesting at least, but holy freaking cow.
i feel inadequate today.
competitve
i seem to study a lot better in the morning.
i've studied a lot for immuno. I still don't feel 100% confident, but I do feel better about it. I still have a couple hours, so that's good. I am skipping parasit- i asked nicole to pick up the notes for me. I just have parasit lab, that i can't miss. which is fine.
and then i'm going to exercise after the exam, because i haven't worked out since Friday...
i'm going insane.
in 5 1/2 hours, it'll be over.
-deep breath-
my thing is- i want to beat jayme on this exam, but i don't think I will. she seems a lot more prepared than I am. she's beat me on everything so far, except for the hematology quiz- which we were the only two to get 100%.
it sounds stupid, i know, but i guess i'm competitive. she only beat me by 2% on our last immunology exam- but she got over 100% on the hematology exam, so even though I got an A, she beat me on that too.
granted, i was sick that day and the day before, but still... so what.
i can't remember about the hemato lab exam. maybe i beat her on that.
i'm weird.
i've studied a lot for immuno. I still don't feel 100% confident, but I do feel better about it. I still have a couple hours, so that's good. I am skipping parasit- i asked nicole to pick up the notes for me. I just have parasit lab, that i can't miss. which is fine.
and then i'm going to exercise after the exam, because i haven't worked out since Friday...
i'm going insane.
in 5 1/2 hours, it'll be over.
-deep breath-
my thing is- i want to beat jayme on this exam, but i don't think I will. she seems a lot more prepared than I am. she's beat me on everything so far, except for the hematology quiz- which we were the only two to get 100%.
it sounds stupid, i know, but i guess i'm competitive. she only beat me by 2% on our last immunology exam- but she got over 100% on the hematology exam, so even though I got an A, she beat me on that too.
granted, i was sick that day and the day before, but still... so what.
i can't remember about the hemato lab exam. maybe i beat her on that.
i'm weird.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
eh.
and so i fall apart again.
tonight hasn't been so great.
and i have exam tomorrow in immuno, which is my least favorite class right now.
i might skip parasit lecture. that'll give me a couple more hours of studying tomorrow... since im not being productive tonight. i can get the notes from nicole.
we'll see.
i just...
i don't know.
i dont like myself right now.
tonight hasn't been so great.
and i have exam tomorrow in immuno, which is my least favorite class right now.
i might skip parasit lecture. that'll give me a couple more hours of studying tomorrow... since im not being productive tonight. i can get the notes from nicole.
we'll see.
i just...
i don't know.
i dont like myself right now.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Malaria
I'm writing a paper on a research study about the best way to diagnosis malaria with different types of blood smears. Don't be fooled, it is actually interesting. I have 3 pages and it supposed to be 3-4. All I have left to write about is the discussion and then a little portion on what I thought about it. I'm losing steam, though. It isn't due until Tuesday, although I'm going to have it done by Sunday night just in case she wants it early. The syllabus says "monday after break" but our classes are tuesdays and thursdays. so i'm thinking she just didn't update the syllabus from last year? No idea. But I'm not going to risk it.
I"m going to a baby shower tonight. I need to start getting ready. And I need to study for the parasit lab exam that's on Monday.
I'm so overwhelmed with that class that I don't even want to study. I've heard the lab exams aren't that bad, but there is so much to know it's ridiculous.
That's tomorrow's project. That and finish the paper, which shouldn't take long.
Then that leaves Monday and Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday morning to study for the immunology exam. I've done a lot with that and things are starting to make sense now. I should have enough time to prepare for Wednesday. Once parasit and the paper is over with.
Graduating will be nice.
I"m going to a baby shower tonight. I need to start getting ready. And I need to study for the parasit lab exam that's on Monday.
I'm so overwhelmed with that class that I don't even want to study. I've heard the lab exams aren't that bad, but there is so much to know it's ridiculous.
That's tomorrow's project. That and finish the paper, which shouldn't take long.
Then that leaves Monday and Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday morning to study for the immunology exam. I've done a lot with that and things are starting to make sense now. I should have enough time to prepare for Wednesday. Once parasit and the paper is over with.
Graduating will be nice.
work
work is annoying.
i went through so many charts today that i had audited a month ago, and my page of errors that i wrote... none of them were fixed yet. NONE! okay- so really, what's the point of my job if they're just going to ignore everything. It's SO annoying. i started putting sticky notes throughout the whole charts with errors, like 'ROBB, SIGN HERE". or "MISSING NOTE FOR 2/1". if THAT doesn't work then I don't know. i mean... how do you just NOT write a daily note for that day? that's the most important part of the chart. shouldn't that be second nature? i don't think charting should be so difficult. fill in all of the blanks, date things and sign them. if they did that, the majority of the errors i find wouldn't exist anymore and i'd have more time to focus on the goals and each individual measurement.
annoying.
i have to keep a tally of the number of each error i find. so today i was getting so frustrated that for certain charts, every one error, i'd mark it down as 2. or I'd recount all of the errors that i found LAST month that they haven't corrected yet. when they're simple little things like SIGNING the daily note, then due to their laziness, it counts as two errors. especially if it's my boss and he messes up on one of the new rules he just added with the charting. if HE can't get it right then there are problems.
/end rant
i went through so many charts today that i had audited a month ago, and my page of errors that i wrote... none of them were fixed yet. NONE! okay- so really, what's the point of my job if they're just going to ignore everything. It's SO annoying. i started putting sticky notes throughout the whole charts with errors, like 'ROBB, SIGN HERE". or "MISSING NOTE FOR 2/1". if THAT doesn't work then I don't know. i mean... how do you just NOT write a daily note for that day? that's the most important part of the chart. shouldn't that be second nature? i don't think charting should be so difficult. fill in all of the blanks, date things and sign them. if they did that, the majority of the errors i find wouldn't exist anymore and i'd have more time to focus on the goals and each individual measurement.
annoying.
i have to keep a tally of the number of each error i find. so today i was getting so frustrated that for certain charts, every one error, i'd mark it down as 2. or I'd recount all of the errors that i found LAST month that they haven't corrected yet. when they're simple little things like SIGNING the daily note, then due to their laziness, it counts as two errors. especially if it's my boss and he messes up on one of the new rules he just added with the charting. if HE can't get it right then there are problems.
/end rant
Friday, February 27, 2009
lab
job shadowed brandon today. it was cool to get into a real medical lab. by the end he'd hand me a tube of blood and let me go the right machine and put it in to start the test. that was cool. and he let me do some WBC diffs for the slides that the machine flagged. i got to look for hypochromatic and microcytic cells, and anisocytosis. My manual WBC diff was identical to the machine's diff. That was fun.
He had a couple urine analysis tests to go through. A lot of CBCs and H/H and diffs. Mostly he just explained each machine to me and how they call things in that particular lab. And then about the interviewing process. He just got accepted to a PA program in virgina for this summer. Why does school always take away my friends? Tess is moving to west virgina this summer to start med school, too.
I'll probably go back there again before he leaves. Hopefully after I finish my hematology class I'll know more. Most of what he talked about I won't learn until next year, so it's a bummer he won't be around after i take hemostasis and clinical chemistry.
He asked me a few things and then laughed when i couldn't remember. He kept saying "come on, biochem was just last semester!".
i forget things... but they're still in my head somewhere. as soon as i see it again, or can put it to some practical use, then i remember and it all comes back. i won't forget the stuff that he asked me today. now that i've gone over it again and saw it in practice- i won't forget.
have i mentioned lately that i want to run?
He had a couple urine analysis tests to go through. A lot of CBCs and H/H and diffs. Mostly he just explained each machine to me and how they call things in that particular lab. And then about the interviewing process. He just got accepted to a PA program in virgina for this summer. Why does school always take away my friends? Tess is moving to west virgina this summer to start med school, too.
I'll probably go back there again before he leaves. Hopefully after I finish my hematology class I'll know more. Most of what he talked about I won't learn until next year, so it's a bummer he won't be around after i take hemostasis and clinical chemistry.
He asked me a few things and then laughed when i couldn't remember. He kept saying "come on, biochem was just last semester!".
i forget things... but they're still in my head somewhere. as soon as i see it again, or can put it to some practical use, then i remember and it all comes back. i won't forget the stuff that he asked me today. now that i've gone over it again and saw it in practice- i won't forget.
have i mentioned lately that i want to run?
Thursday, February 26, 2009
not again..
oh. and i think running is out for awhile again.
i either have shinsplints in a weird location or a stress fracture in my tibia.
Usually shin splints are tibialis anteior pulling away from the tibia. This feels more like soleus or gastrocnemius pulling away. Which would make sense- since those muscles get tight and swollen.
but im nervous for it to be a fracture because i can push ONE particular spot that hurts more than the rest.
i dont know how that happened though because i haven't been running. i tried again today and lasted 4 whole minutes. my shin hurt too badly.
i have a random sharp pain in my left medial thigh, too.
i need to go back to the sports dr.
i don't know what all of these weird things are.
i dont want more fractures. it doesn't make sense! it simply does not make sense.
i either have shinsplints in a weird location or a stress fracture in my tibia.
Usually shin splints are tibialis anteior pulling away from the tibia. This feels more like soleus or gastrocnemius pulling away. Which would make sense- since those muscles get tight and swollen.
but im nervous for it to be a fracture because i can push ONE particular spot that hurts more than the rest.
i dont know how that happened though because i haven't been running. i tried again today and lasted 4 whole minutes. my shin hurt too badly.
i have a random sharp pain in my left medial thigh, too.
i need to go back to the sports dr.
i don't know what all of these weird things are.
i dont want more fractures. it doesn't make sense! it simply does not make sense.
Improving
I'm doing better at the moment. Slightly stressed at the amount of school work I still have to do and the little amount of time I have left to do it.
We did wedding planning stuff on Tuesday. We found the hall- it's the same place Casey had hers, and when I mentioned that my sisters was there 4 years ago the owner got all excited, added in a ton more things to the package for free, and dropped the price per plate. It's insane. So we're definitely going there. We met with a DJ too, who is an option we'd go with. We have a couple more to look into.
It's exciting actually starting to plan now. It's making it all the more real!
I've slept pretty well the last two nights. I'm hoping this continues.
My workouts are finally getting to be awesome again. I had a slump for awhile, but now they're good. I've lost a little bit of weight IN A HEALTHY WAY.
Im still eating within my calorie range, and I'm not over exercising.
I timidly weighed myself this morning because I was curious, and when I saw i lost some, it made my day. It's about freaking time my body has responded to what I've been trying to get it to do!
I'm glad that my patience is finally paying off.
Nathan and I spent the day in the library studying. We planned on yoga tonight, but the teacher is in India right now- she said she had a sub coming in to teach it, so we were still going to go- but no one showed to teach. It was really disappointing. I had been in the mood for yoga. I guess it's good to have a break though- ive killed my legs the last two days. I don't know how many warriors I would have been able to do.
I'm job-shadowing my friend tomorrow. He works in the hospital lab that i want to internship at. Nervous and excited.
i feel pretty good about getting the internship there. My GPA is higher than the people I know in my classes. Hopefully that will set me apart- along with shadowing brandon and stuff.
im nervous about the interviews this summer... growing up is scary.
I should go get a snack. I'm still slightly under my calorie range today. Then hopefully I'll fall sleep soon.
I'm exhausted.
We did wedding planning stuff on Tuesday. We found the hall- it's the same place Casey had hers, and when I mentioned that my sisters was there 4 years ago the owner got all excited, added in a ton more things to the package for free, and dropped the price per plate. It's insane. So we're definitely going there. We met with a DJ too, who is an option we'd go with. We have a couple more to look into.
It's exciting actually starting to plan now. It's making it all the more real!
I've slept pretty well the last two nights. I'm hoping this continues.
My workouts are finally getting to be awesome again. I had a slump for awhile, but now they're good. I've lost a little bit of weight IN A HEALTHY WAY.
Im still eating within my calorie range, and I'm not over exercising.
I timidly weighed myself this morning because I was curious, and when I saw i lost some, it made my day. It's about freaking time my body has responded to what I've been trying to get it to do!
I'm glad that my patience is finally paying off.
Nathan and I spent the day in the library studying. We planned on yoga tonight, but the teacher is in India right now- she said she had a sub coming in to teach it, so we were still going to go- but no one showed to teach. It was really disappointing. I had been in the mood for yoga. I guess it's good to have a break though- ive killed my legs the last two days. I don't know how many warriors I would have been able to do.
I'm job-shadowing my friend tomorrow. He works in the hospital lab that i want to internship at. Nervous and excited.
i feel pretty good about getting the internship there. My GPA is higher than the people I know in my classes. Hopefully that will set me apart- along with shadowing brandon and stuff.
im nervous about the interviews this summer... growing up is scary.
I should go get a snack. I'm still slightly under my calorie range today. Then hopefully I'll fall sleep soon.
I'm exhausted.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
empty
had a whopping 3.5 hours of sleep last night. i could have slept in- but i had a screaming natalie and avery this at 7:30 this morning, so well- there went that idea.
this exhaustion is not helping my moods or outlook on life.
i gave into the SI urges last night because it was almost 4am and i was simply at my wits end. i had to do something to get me to sleep.
i should write my paper or study for parasit or immunology.
but i think im going to crash on the couch and watch the last stage of the Tour of California instead.
if i don't sleep tonight, i'm going to lose it.
i don't have too much left in me right now.
this exhaustion is not helping my moods or outlook on life.
i gave into the SI urges last night because it was almost 4am and i was simply at my wits end. i had to do something to get me to sleep.
i should write my paper or study for parasit or immunology.
but i think im going to crash on the couch and watch the last stage of the Tour of California instead.
if i don't sleep tonight, i'm going to lose it.
i don't have too much left in me right now.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
need to recharge
Ryann, Joseph and the girls are here for the weekend. Came last night and are leaving tomorrow morning.
A house they were interested in had a price reduction and they wanted to check it out today.
I can't believe they'll be home March 11th.
It hasn't sunk in yet.
I asked Ryann last night if she'd be my matron of honor. She seemed surprised! I'm glad I could ask her in person. and I'm glad she's moving back to Michigan.
I wanted to play with natalie today, but dad wasn't sharing.
dad needs to un-retire and go away.
cutting urges have been kind of strong lately.
i don't know why. maybe the stuff with darryl? i don't know
maybe i should put forth some effort to figure it out.
but i don't really have any effort to spare.
"spring" break starts now.
i have two exams and a paper due as soon as school starts back. so it's not much of a break.
my moods are yucky.
im happy- i like having Ryann here, and i'm excited they're moving back, and i'm happy to not have class this week, and im happy to be able to work on wedding stuff with nathan this week, but i'm just... blech.
i feel worn out.
somedays i wish i could take a timeout from life and go back to rogers for a day or two, to get away so that i can refocus and start again. so that i don't have to make the decisions for a few days.
i'm tired of trying so hard.
i think giving up would take a lot less energy.
i think that's all it is.
i'm just simply worn out.
it's tiring to stick with recovery, be in school, work, and still have something left at the end of the day.
school isn't fun right now. i want school to go on hold for awhile.
i need to recharge.
so it sucks that this break will be full of studying and paper writing.
A house they were interested in had a price reduction and they wanted to check it out today.
I can't believe they'll be home March 11th.
It hasn't sunk in yet.
I asked Ryann last night if she'd be my matron of honor. She seemed surprised! I'm glad I could ask her in person. and I'm glad she's moving back to Michigan.
I wanted to play with natalie today, but dad wasn't sharing.
dad needs to un-retire and go away.
cutting urges have been kind of strong lately.
i don't know why. maybe the stuff with darryl? i don't know
maybe i should put forth some effort to figure it out.
but i don't really have any effort to spare.
"spring" break starts now.
i have two exams and a paper due as soon as school starts back. so it's not much of a break.
my moods are yucky.
im happy- i like having Ryann here, and i'm excited they're moving back, and i'm happy to not have class this week, and im happy to be able to work on wedding stuff with nathan this week, but i'm just... blech.
i feel worn out.
somedays i wish i could take a timeout from life and go back to rogers for a day or two, to get away so that i can refocus and start again. so that i don't have to make the decisions for a few days.
i'm tired of trying so hard.
i think giving up would take a lot less energy.
i think that's all it is.
i'm just simply worn out.
it's tiring to stick with recovery, be in school, work, and still have something left at the end of the day.
school isn't fun right now. i want school to go on hold for awhile.
i need to recharge.
so it sucks that this break will be full of studying and paper writing.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
amputation, please.
ugh. i'm probably going to go back to the sports doctor.
i haven't been able to exercise for another two days.
My feet and cramped up so badly and my calves are swollen and tight again.
I HATE MY LEGS AND FEET!
I don't know what he's going to be able to do for me though.
I just want to be able to walk without being in pain.
How can I run if I can't even walk?
When my feet and calves are like this, I can't bike, go on the ellipical.
nothing.
i hate it.
i haven't been able to exercise for another two days.
My feet and cramped up so badly and my calves are swollen and tight again.
I HATE MY LEGS AND FEET!
I don't know what he's going to be able to do for me though.
I just want to be able to walk without being in pain.
How can I run if I can't even walk?
When my feet and calves are like this, I can't bike, go on the ellipical.
nothing.
i hate it.
Monday, February 16, 2009
improving
I had an amazing week in the world of recovery. I knew I was sliding, so I asked my dietician if I could email her everyday if I need to, and she said that I can. So i started doing that, checking in with her a lot. I started tracking my food again, too. I had gotten lazy about that, so Ive made myself start that again. ever since i started tracking and checking in with her, i've stuck to everything perfectly!!!
I had gone 7 full days without exercising because I got sick last week. So since Friday, I've added workouts back in, and it feels soooo good to be back.
I've decided that my bones are strong enough to run.
8 1/2 months of daily calcium supplements and strength training, no restricting, limited caffeine, no overexercising/running.
with the little bit of running i started doing recently, my legs have felt fine, i just haven't gone for very long because i'm so paranoid about fracturing my femurs again. but seriously... if they were weak, they would have fractured by now.
So i'm going to start increasing my running. I need to build up my endurance again! Somedays are better than others. I need to be careful about my ankles and knees too. Watch out for any little pain i feel there.
And my calves... see if the compartment sydrome acts up more. and my plantar tendon... if that starts cramping up more often. If they do, I'll go back to the sports doctor.
I had gone to him about those problems before, but it was the same appointment where he discovered my fractured femurs, and basically nothing else mattered to him at that point. that was before I went IP. he wanted me to check back in with him but i never did. so i guess if my knees, ankles, calves, or feet act up, i'll go back and make him figure out what the hell is wrong with my legs!
but my bones are fine.
they have to be.
i gave them 8 1/2 months.
now its time i give myself the okay to run.
I had gone 7 full days without exercising because I got sick last week. So since Friday, I've added workouts back in, and it feels soooo good to be back.
I've decided that my bones are strong enough to run.
8 1/2 months of daily calcium supplements and strength training, no restricting, limited caffeine, no overexercising/running.
with the little bit of running i started doing recently, my legs have felt fine, i just haven't gone for very long because i'm so paranoid about fracturing my femurs again. but seriously... if they were weak, they would have fractured by now.
So i'm going to start increasing my running. I need to build up my endurance again! Somedays are better than others. I need to be careful about my ankles and knees too. Watch out for any little pain i feel there.
And my calves... see if the compartment sydrome acts up more. and my plantar tendon... if that starts cramping up more often. If they do, I'll go back to the sports doctor.
I had gone to him about those problems before, but it was the same appointment where he discovered my fractured femurs, and basically nothing else mattered to him at that point. that was before I went IP. he wanted me to check back in with him but i never did. so i guess if my knees, ankles, calves, or feet act up, i'll go back and make him figure out what the hell is wrong with my legs!
but my bones are fine.
they have to be.
i gave them 8 1/2 months.
now its time i give myself the okay to run.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
i hate food
my dietician wonders if im sensitive to wheat.
great-i finally get over my aversion to bread.
great-i finally get over my aversion to bread.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
cells
I'm finally comprehending everything for hematology. Everything makes sense and fits together. It's actually all very fascinating. Again, the class I dread the most becomes my favorite. The exam will be hard- it's a Williams exam- but it's nothing I can't handle. I handled Dinda's biochem exams, and I handled his immunology exam without any trouble, so hopefully I can do the same with hers.
The rest of the studying for me will be writing everything out a million times. Making sure I can write out lists, remember the negative and postive regulators, which cytokines do what at which stage. It's on hematopoiesis, erythropoiesis, structure, function, and death of the mature red blood cell, and about hemoglobin's synthesis, structure, regulation, function, etc. along with what happens with abnormalities.
so since her exams are often multiple-multiple choice and short answer, i need to be able to memorize everything word for word. otherwise, i already feel confident about it. and the exam isn't even until Tuesday.
awesome.
Nathan and I going to see the detroit symphony orchestra tonight! i got the tickets as a christmas present. i'm excited!
i may go clean my room a bit.
it's a disaster area at the moment and it's driving me crazy.
ive been studying all morning.
i need a break.
The rest of the studying for me will be writing everything out a million times. Making sure I can write out lists, remember the negative and postive regulators, which cytokines do what at which stage. It's on hematopoiesis, erythropoiesis, structure, function, and death of the mature red blood cell, and about hemoglobin's synthesis, structure, regulation, function, etc. along with what happens with abnormalities.
so since her exams are often multiple-multiple choice and short answer, i need to be able to memorize everything word for word. otherwise, i already feel confident about it. and the exam isn't even until Tuesday.
awesome.
Nathan and I going to see the detroit symphony orchestra tonight! i got the tickets as a christmas present. i'm excited!
i may go clean my room a bit.
it's a disaster area at the moment and it's driving me crazy.
ive been studying all morning.
i need a break.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
blech
why have i no motivation to study lately?
hematology IS interesting.
immunology... eh...
parasitology isn't too bad.
but really, come on Andi.
Get with it already.
hematology IS interesting.
immunology... eh...
parasitology isn't too bad.
but really, come on Andi.
Get with it already.
annoying
why is my stomach still acting up so often?
the last couple days, after i eat, it HURTS. and then even throughout the day, it never actually feels better.
i wanted to go to yoga tonight after lab, but my stomach was so bloated and painful that the thought of bending over and twisting into weird poses did NOT sound good.
so im home now and bitter.
and hating my stomach.
ive been eating reguarly since july.
shouldn't it have gotten the hang of the whole digestion thing by now?
the last couple days, after i eat, it HURTS. and then even throughout the day, it never actually feels better.
i wanted to go to yoga tonight after lab, but my stomach was so bloated and painful that the thought of bending over and twisting into weird poses did NOT sound good.
so im home now and bitter.
and hating my stomach.
ive been eating reguarly since july.
shouldn't it have gotten the hang of the whole digestion thing by now?
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Sleep deprived
so last night i was exhausted. i took rozerem and went to bed by 10:30, prepared to sleep allllll night and wake up refreshed.
nope.
i was up until 3am again.
even with rozerem and an intense workout previously that morning.
stupid.
so i got up, after 5 hours of sleep, went back to the gym. tried swimming again... felt pretty pathetic doing that. between being tired and having swam yesterday, and hardly swimming in the last 2 years, i wasn't really feeling all that great in the water. so i did some other things for my workout.
then went to Mass, then went to work.
It took an hour and a half for me to update the spreadsheets and do the monthly audit report for January.
i hate that most about my job. i dread the end of each month.
anyway, i'm hungry. and debating whether or not to wait for Nathan to get here to eat. maybe i'll have a snack or something.
Jess and Jakob are coming over later tonight for an Anti-superbowl party.
I'm not sure what we're going to do yet, but i'm sure it'll be fun.
i am so tired.
if i don't sleep tonight, i'm going to be pissed off.
i purposefully overdid the exercise this morning, just so that i'd sleep tonight.
i know that doesn't always work, but something has to work.
nope.
i was up until 3am again.
even with rozerem and an intense workout previously that morning.
stupid.
so i got up, after 5 hours of sleep, went back to the gym. tried swimming again... felt pretty pathetic doing that. between being tired and having swam yesterday, and hardly swimming in the last 2 years, i wasn't really feeling all that great in the water. so i did some other things for my workout.
then went to Mass, then went to work.
It took an hour and a half for me to update the spreadsheets and do the monthly audit report for January.
i hate that most about my job. i dread the end of each month.
anyway, i'm hungry. and debating whether or not to wait for Nathan to get here to eat. maybe i'll have a snack or something.
Jess and Jakob are coming over later tonight for an Anti-superbowl party.
I'm not sure what we're going to do yet, but i'm sure it'll be fun.
i am so tired.
if i don't sleep tonight, i'm going to be pissed off.
i purposefully overdid the exercise this morning, just so that i'd sleep tonight.
i know that doesn't always work, but something has to work.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
water
ive started swimming again.
i went last sunday and wasn't feeling very well in the water.
i went this morning and i already felt stronger. so that was fun.
my head hurts a lot.
i need to do some hardcore studying tonight.
so hopefully my head will feel better by the time dinner is over.
it's a late one- it's already 7 and we haven't eaten.
im not hungry at all, though.
blech.
i went last sunday and wasn't feeling very well in the water.
i went this morning and i already felt stronger. so that was fun.
my head hurts a lot.
i need to do some hardcore studying tonight.
so hopefully my head will feel better by the time dinner is over.
it's a late one- it's already 7 and we haven't eaten.
im not hungry at all, though.
blech.
carpals
yesterday the TAs did the next dissection for head and neck.
i did the anterior neck again. i like that dissection. amanda did the other side, and the others worked on the deep back muscles. we do the craniotomy during class so that the students can watch.
now that they've had their upper limb exam, i could cut the tendons of the wrist and reflect back the hand muscles and the forearm muscles. i actually ended up cutting away all of the forearm muscles, leaving the deepest, pronator quadratus, which is a squarish muscle at the wrist. it looks really neat. you can see the ulna and the radius, and the interossious membrane inbetween connecting the two. i cut most of the superficial hand muscles away, and cut the carpal tunnel ligament, so now you can see the metacarpals and 3 of the 8 carpal bones (trapizium, hamate, and pisiform). the remaining 5 are still encased in a really thick ligament that i haven't been able to cut through yet. i should have left the median nerve, which goes through the carpal tunnel, but i didn't think of it until just now. shoot.
i really like dissecting.
i did the anterior neck again. i like that dissection. amanda did the other side, and the others worked on the deep back muscles. we do the craniotomy during class so that the students can watch.
now that they've had their upper limb exam, i could cut the tendons of the wrist and reflect back the hand muscles and the forearm muscles. i actually ended up cutting away all of the forearm muscles, leaving the deepest, pronator quadratus, which is a squarish muscle at the wrist. it looks really neat. you can see the ulna and the radius, and the interossious membrane inbetween connecting the two. i cut most of the superficial hand muscles away, and cut the carpal tunnel ligament, so now you can see the metacarpals and 3 of the 8 carpal bones (trapizium, hamate, and pisiform). the remaining 5 are still encased in a really thick ligament that i haven't been able to cut through yet. i should have left the median nerve, which goes through the carpal tunnel, but i didn't think of it until just now. shoot.
i really like dissecting.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
inadequate
parasitology lab is HARD. i have no idea how i'm going to well. we spent 2 hours looking at slides for parasites. and i'd find things, but i couldn't distinguish which species it was. i knew i found something. our prof said, "too bad you can't just say 'yup, there's something there' on the exam... you need to tell me what species it is."
that SUCKS.
they're so freaking tiny. i found one that i estimated to be 5 to 10 micrometers across.
so it's tiny. so i can't tell how many nuclei there are, or what the karyosomes look like, or if there are peripheral chromatin, or vacoules containing digested bacteria or red blood cells.
all i can do, at this point, is tell that there is SOMETHING there among the rest of the slide filled with 'junk' (what we call everything that we're not looking for).
i can find the refractile membrane, at least one nucleus, most of the time. but that's it.
i'm pretty sure i found entameoba hartmanni and endolimax nana in our patient's sample today. and i think i found cysts of both, and one troph form of the hartmanni.
but that's a complete guess.
i hope i never have to work in the parasit lab at work.
my parents are in DC for the March For Life. I wonder if I'll ever have the chance to go to one. I hope and pray that FOCA doesn't pass.
i'm scared for this country.
i have a hematology quiz tomorrow. i haven't had much motivation to study tonight. Nathan was supposed to come over- and that would have helped me to focus- but stuff came up and plans changed and he ended up not being able to come over afterall. im pretty bummed.
i managed to study a good chunk of it. then i needed a break, so now i'm facing the challenge of getting back into it. i dont' have much left to go. and im studying with Jamye in the morning before class. it shouldn't be too hard, i don't think. but i've heard nothing but horror stories about her quizzes and exams, so i have no idea what to expect.
i don't feel up to the challenge of being a med tech today.
after parasitology lab today, and after immunology lecture (whoa! all of a sudden it got hard), and now my lack of motivation to study hematology.
i dont like that i'm having such a hard time in parasit.
microbiology was so much easier- we streaked plates, and two days later we looked at colonies of bacteria.
in parasit- we make O&P slides of patient stool samples, stain them, and then look for tiny tiny tiny ameobas that i can hardly see.
i had a hard time with the control slides- so i know it isn't my slide prep technique.
i just feel inadequate today.
that SUCKS.
they're so freaking tiny. i found one that i estimated to be 5 to 10 micrometers across.
so it's tiny. so i can't tell how many nuclei there are, or what the karyosomes look like, or if there are peripheral chromatin, or vacoules containing digested bacteria or red blood cells.
all i can do, at this point, is tell that there is SOMETHING there among the rest of the slide filled with 'junk' (what we call everything that we're not looking for).
i can find the refractile membrane, at least one nucleus, most of the time. but that's it.
i'm pretty sure i found entameoba hartmanni and endolimax nana in our patient's sample today. and i think i found cysts of both, and one troph form of the hartmanni.
but that's a complete guess.
i hope i never have to work in the parasit lab at work.
my parents are in DC for the March For Life. I wonder if I'll ever have the chance to go to one. I hope and pray that FOCA doesn't pass.
i'm scared for this country.
i have a hematology quiz tomorrow. i haven't had much motivation to study tonight. Nathan was supposed to come over- and that would have helped me to focus- but stuff came up and plans changed and he ended up not being able to come over afterall. im pretty bummed.
i managed to study a good chunk of it. then i needed a break, so now i'm facing the challenge of getting back into it. i dont' have much left to go. and im studying with Jamye in the morning before class. it shouldn't be too hard, i don't think. but i've heard nothing but horror stories about her quizzes and exams, so i have no idea what to expect.
i don't feel up to the challenge of being a med tech today.
after parasitology lab today, and after immunology lecture (whoa! all of a sudden it got hard), and now my lack of motivation to study hematology.
i dont like that i'm having such a hard time in parasit.
microbiology was so much easier- we streaked plates, and two days later we looked at colonies of bacteria.
in parasit- we make O&P slides of patient stool samples, stain them, and then look for tiny tiny tiny ameobas that i can hardly see.
i had a hard time with the control slides- so i know it isn't my slide prep technique.
i just feel inadequate today.
screaming
i've never had that much patience. so i'm really surprised i've held out this long.
but this is getting ridiculous.
every cell in my body is screaming at me to restrict.
but this is getting ridiculous.
every cell in my body is screaming at me to restrict.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
stupid lab
3 1/2 hours of sleep. i have to run an open lab today for 4 hours.
i'm not awake.
and i'm so sick of TAing. i'd resign, but i can't. not now. i'm the head TA for my section now, and mostly everyone in my section is new. i can't leave.
there will only be 3 of us today.
so today won't be fun.
maybe not many students will show up today.
usually, i don't hope for that.
usually, i get frustrated when students don't care and don't come.
but today...
i don't care.
i'm not awake.
and i'm so sick of TAing. i'd resign, but i can't. not now. i'm the head TA for my section now, and mostly everyone in my section is new. i can't leave.
there will only be 3 of us today.
so today won't be fun.
maybe not many students will show up today.
usually, i don't hope for that.
usually, i get frustrated when students don't care and don't come.
but today...
i don't care.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
hibernating
i told my mom this morning that i was going to go to Mass tonight.
that was my plan.
now i told her since i dont really like going to Mass in town, it's not making me motivated to go out in the cold and deal with the snow and icey roads. so i'll go to st cyrils in the morning.
actually, i just don't feel up to leaving the house. i just don't care about life.
i haven't left my room much at all today.
i'm strangly okay with that.
that was my plan.
now i told her since i dont really like going to Mass in town, it's not making me motivated to go out in the cold and deal with the snow and icey roads. so i'll go to st cyrils in the morning.
actually, i just don't feel up to leaving the house. i just don't care about life.
i haven't left my room much at all today.
i'm strangly okay with that.
gone
i was looking through old pictures on the computer today, trying to find some from 2005. but i looked at the ones from febrary two years ago. the ones from when we went to florida. and i was 102lbs.
dont know why i do this to myself. look back and remember what it was like.
but i miss it.
i really really really miss it.
dont know why i do this to myself. look back and remember what it was like.
but i miss it.
i really really really miss it.
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