funny how drastically my outlook on life changes in just 4 hours.

what if i never get better?

what other doctor can i turn to?  dr v. has basically said he has run out of ideas.

my problem is neurological, and the best neurologist in michigan has no idea what to do with me.

how am i supposed to hope?

war

another dead end.

i can't see the neuropsychologist my neurologst wanted me to go to.

this was his last idea.

this was my last hope.

why does my brain have to be so messed up?

i'm sorry, arm.

but you're easier to damage than my brain.

plus brains can't sense pain.

what a cop out.

damn you, body.

i hate you.

and you don't deserve all of the special treatment i've been giving you.

you deserve nothing.

except pain.

cuts

bruises

starving

the last thing you deserve is nourshment.

you have taken so much away from me.

i will take away from you again

my life has been hell because of you.

i'll make you feel the hell that you force me to feel inside.

i will get revenge this time.

i'm tired of pretending to care about you.

i never have.

i've never stopped hating you.

the war is on.

Sorry for the mushiness.

I'm so blessed to have Nathan.  And I'm so blessed that he loves me as deeply as I love him.

I've said time and time again that he is the one exception to everything.

I have a hard time talking to people.  But not him.

I like to isolate myself from people.  But not from him.

I have a hard time being open.  But not with him.

I'm always uncomfortable around people.  But not around him.

I'm always self conscience.  But not with him.

Yesterday was a horrible day.  But as soon as I got into lab and saw him, I smiled.

And my day was brighter.

And he held my hand.  And I felt okay.

And we ate dinner together, and I was okay with eating.

And we hung out until midnight, and I was happy again.

Life doesn't hurt when I'm with him.

The future isn't as dark when I'm with him.

If I'm always sick.  If there isn't a doctor who can figure out my medical mystery... At least I'll face it with him.

 And I'll be okay.

In 4 and 1/2 months, I'll be his wife.

And he'll be my husband.

Maybe the future isn't so bleek, afterall.

another day

Therapy has turned into me crying for one hour. That's about all that gets accomplished.

There is so much frustration at being sick and trying everything and running into dead ends everywhere. She made me come up with example of that and I said: insomnia, narcolepsy, fatigue, inability to run, and lack of weight loss. She kept challenging the weight loss... that the rest she could agree with but that my need for weight loss was my choice and not actually necessary. I kept trying to disagree but it was taking too much effort to argue and i have no energy for arguing.

the physical health stuff gave plenty to talk and cry about so i just avoided the lack of weight loss aspect of my frustration.

sometimes, i wish she would just agree with me for 5 minutes so i could talk about it without defending my way of thinking. and i realize a therapist is supposed to challenge disordered thoughts, but when i'm that upset sometimes i need to just go with it for a few minutes.

never made it to the gym today.
i babysat my nephew while my sister in law was at her dr appt. people probably thought lucas was my baby. i did not correct them. he's so adorable, i dont mind the credit. hahahaha

then i went to anatomy lab to see if the cadavers needed any dissecting. unfortunately, they didnt. plus there were too many students crowded around them for most of the time.
it was fun to be with the other TAs (plus Nathan TAs that lab). I miss it there.

and after therapy, i needed to not isolate. i was too drained for the gym, but didn't want to go home to be there with my parents.

went to RCIA with nathan after lab, then back to his house to watch some NCIS.

its after 1am. i'm still awake. i haven't attempted to go to bed yet, but i'm already dreading it.

more of the same

Yesterday was difficult to get through. I was 100% exhausted. Had an 8am lab. It wasn't bad. Just way too early. Then had molecular pathology, a 2 hour break in which I had wanted to go to the gym but ended up being way too tired for, so i hung out w. people in the study room. TA'd for parasitology lab from 2:30-5:30. then had clinical correlations at 6:00 but she let us out by 7. Came home and we had girls night before casey goes back to Seattle. watched Julie and Julia. was pretty funny. i wasn't really in the mood for it though.

I feel like an idiot in parasit lab. I know it's not my fault (i studied ahead of time)--- the slides the students have to look at aren't the greatest, plus they're really old so some of the membranes of the amoebas are falling apart, making them even harder to see. And some of them are only 5 micrometers big, so they're already difficult to see.
One student asked me if she found E. histolytica. I looked and I wasn't really sure. I could tell why she would think she had found it, but it looked more like a blog of debris than it did Histolytica. Dr R looked at it after I left and I overheard her tell the student "oh yah, that's it. the membrane is just disintegrating".
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?????????????????????

I feel like I'm a horrible TA because a lot of my answers are "I think that's it". Never "yah, it sure is!". I'm terrified of telling them the wrong thing. I was getting better at it by the second lab, but still.... I hated this lab when i was in it, and we had a horrible TA, and I don't want to repeat last year.


I have to watch Lucas while Jenny is in for a dr appt. Then I have therapy right after that. Hopefully I'll have the energy to go to the gym (and to try a spinning class?) after that since it's now been 3 days since I've worked out.


I keep getting jealous of my best friend, Jayme. But best friends shouldn't be jealous of each other. But we have very similar backgrounds, but she isn't sick, so she can still workout everyday even on top of classes and studying. I seem to only be able to do one or the other. But she can do both. And she's thinner. And I"m not. and the wedding is in 4.5 months and I'm still stuck at this annoying weight and it wont' budge and now I haven't been exercising because I haven't' been sleeping and now school started and i have 2 jobs.

Even when I was exercising 5-6 days a week for 4 weeks over break, the scale budged only slightly and my clothes still fit pretty much the same. and I was doing really intense workouts, so please... someone explain this to me? I've been on a "weight loss meal plan" from my RD since fall of 2008 and i'm still roughly the same weight as i was then.

why won't my body change?

and why on earth am i still this tired? i slept in until 9am. and actually managed to fall asleep around midnight.
i hate this.

Drained

Had an appointment with my neurologist today. Nothing really is new. More frustrations. More tears.
Wants my ANA tested again. I had it tested when I was 15 and have the results at home, but I couldn't remember them. Plus, that was so long ago (8 yrs) he wants them redone.

And he wants to me to see a neuropsychologist about the insomnia. There isn't much more he can do about the narcolepsy since my brain isn't responding to medications. And if my carcolepsy med in the morning is what's causing my heart palpatations, then there isn't much he can do because I am completely useless when I am off the that med. And since I've tried every type of insomnia medication and only rozerem worked (and now that is starting not to), he's run out of options as far as that goes. He's hoping the neuropsychologist will be able to help me fall asleep, and that it might help eliviate some of my problems.

He wasn't mad when I told him I took myself off the pamelor--- since I was on that to help get me into stage 4 sleep, but after 4 years I'm still not getting to stage 4 the pamelor is obviously not working. He was fine with that. but had no other ideas.


I cried the whole way home. Put on music and tried to sing along. I read somewhere singing is good when you're freaking out becuase you can't hyperventilate if you're singing. Plus music is theraputic. It helped.

I'm utterly exhuasted right now. But I have a lot of homework to get done for tomorrow, though for Clinical Corrolations and for Molecular Diagnostics lab. 8am lab tomorrow.... I better fall asleep before 3 or 4am tonight or I'm screwed.


Oh. And I have a new job now. Dr. R. asked me yesterday if I wanted to TA for the two parasitology labs. I agreed since I'm already stuck on campus with 6 hour breaks on those days and it's easy money. Cuts into my workout and study time though... which are the only two downsides. But it's a light enough semester I should be able to be okay with it. And she said if there's a day where I'm too busy to TA it's fine. She just needs help most of the time because they are such big labs and parasit can be tricky.


I need to study for that, too, though. There are two labs tomorrow and I haven't looked at parasit stuff since last winter.

off schedule

couldn't sleep until 4am. Didn't wake up until noon. I hate this. It completely throws off my day. And my eating. I had breakfast at noon? then worked out. Ate "lunch" at 330. But I'm not even hungry. My calories are wayyy too low, but I'm not hungry. and I slept through real breakfast and my first snack. If I try to cram those calories in somewhere else I'll be really full. And I don't want to be really full.

I need to get to work soon. Of course I'm putting it off. I should have gone in hours ago. But no, my body has to be retarded and can't sleep during normal hours.

Luckily my church has an 8:30pm Mass. Nathan and I are going to that.


Part of my problem is that when I workout, my appitite goes away.


Too bad the weight doesn't want to go away.

lines

I wasn't entirely truthful with my T last week. I see her next week. Well, this Thursday, so I guess it's this week already. I know I should be honest with her. But ED screams at me to lie.

Yesterday I thought of emailing my dietician to ask what the max about of exercise I can do is. But ED screamed at me not to do that. So I'm putting it off.


I'm tired. And hardly sleeping.


Last week I had to make a list for my T of warning signs that I was crossing "the line".
I failed to tell her the signs were already there and lines were definitely being crossed.

i can't remember if i took my beta blocker yet or not.
i don't think i have. but usually i take it earlier than this.
hm.



i hope i can sleep tonight.


i really feel like cutting.
and i know THAT will help me to sleep.
tempting.

eh

ok. moods are lower than they were an hour ago.

maybe it's just because I'm tired.

but nathan doesn't get off work until 11. and as much as i want to ignore the world, he is always the one exception. i need to talk to him tonight.

i still haven't decided if im taking my bipolar med tonight or not. i guess if i do it should be a lower dose since ive been off for awhile.
that's too much thinking. easier not to.

here

i can tell my moods are shifting downwards again. I dont know how far they'll go this time. I haven't been off my medication for this long of a time in quite awhile. I took myself off over break. Just to check it out again. I know I'm not supposed to. Especially since I haven't told anyone. But I've kind of stopped caring.


I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself.
I hope the depersonalization doesn't come back full force again.


Maybe I should re-start my meds. But seriously- I don't want to.
If I can be left alone, I'm fine.


I wish my body and brain didn't suck.

DNA fingerprinting

Ok, so my molecular diagnostics class is going to be AWESOME! Well, I haven't had the actual class yet, but I've had the lab. I just read over next weeks section in the lab manual and did the pre-lab questions.... I'm so pumped for next Wednesday! We're doing DNA fingerprinting. We'll get a "crime scene" sample, and then 5 "suspect" samples, and we're actually running test to see if any of the suspects are guilty based solely on their DNA. How freaking amazing! This is exciting. :D
I mean, obviously these samples are fake, but still---- These are real life situations...

DNA is cool.

And I am a nerd.

blood type

I typed my blood in lab today. I'm A positive! Neat-o.


i also find it ironic that, of course, even my blood is an overachiever.

low high low

i didn't take my BB this morning because I wanted to be able to function and think during lecture. 15 minutes into clin chem (so, 12:15pm) I started shaking like crazy. I couldn't sit still. I had to get up and move but I couldn't. I was the farthest from the door. And I was sitting right in front of the prof. My mind was going a million miles an hour. i had to move some part of my body at all times or I thought I would explode.
Luckily i had BB with me. but no water. but at 1245 i managed to take it without water. i had to wait for it to kick in and make me tired.
He gave us a couple minute break at 1. I bolted out of the room- wanting to pace the hall. Except some of my other profs were standing in the hallway talking so I went over the stair well and started jumping up and down trying to get the shakeyness to go away. didn't work. on the way back i saw a builiten board with an extra tack. which i took. so during class i used that so i could focus on the sharpness of it and not my crazy mind and the need to move.
by 130 i felt myself slow down. i was still shaking, but not as quickly.

at the moment (3:30) I feel the need to lay down and take a nap. Except i'm stuck on campus and have a class at 4. physically, my body is still shaking, but it isn't because I feel the need to move. my mind is slower, but not normal.

but what is weird is that i didn't take the BB until 330 yesterday because i wanted to go to work before i took it so that i could actually focus. i was fine. i took it at 330 and took it again before bed.
so why do i go crazy on certain days???
i don't get it.

i tried to call my pdoc. i left a message and now i'm playing the waiting game.
my T wanted me to last week to tell her about the week before. and the subsequent crash i had (am having). so once it happened again with the BB i figured i'd call her and at least inform her. she can't DO anything about it, but at least i can tell her.

it's weird that this happens.

i don't want to go to class.
but the grade is based soley on attendance. so unless i want a 3.5 in the easist class i'll ever have, i better not skip. damn it.

i need to lay down.
i feel like crap now.

awake

i'm having a hard time tonight.

This happens every once in awhile. I think the last time was when Nathan and I were in Maryland- at my sister's house.

It happens right as I"m on the brink of falling asleep- i get really panicky then jolt awake. last time the only thing that helped was cutting. which i felt guilty about because Nathan was sleeping near me and I could have woken him up instead.
i tried tonight and i was surprised he actually picked up. but he was only awake because he said he has the worst headache he's ever had. i felt bad unloading stuff on him, and he needed to go. i'm not mad at him, so i feel rotten saying this but DAMN IT. that was the first time i actually called someone at 1am because i needed help. so many people say "call me, no matter how late it is". and i always say "okay, thanks" but i know i'll never do it, because i HATE waking people up. and i hate asking to talk. and i usually would rather cut. so i'm frustrated that it backfired.
but on the other hand, i'm kinda worried for him. headaches shouldn't be that bad. especially when he doesn't have a history of them.
he said he thinks it's starting to feel better. i don't know if he said that for my sake though.

so now i'm stuck. i'm not calling anyone else, but i don't dare try to close my eyes voluntarily. which means i have to keep myself awake until it's physically impossible not to. maybe that way i'll fall asleep without panicking.

i've tried thinking different things. hoping that it would lead me to a different dream, and away from the panic. i can't even describe the thoughts that come with the panic. just that every comepletely off topic thought process leads me right back to it.

i hate these nights.
i don't want to give in. but i do need to sleep.
i tried a healthy alternative... i'm not sure where that leaves me.

more.

appt w. the EP today.
won't let me off the beta blocker.
now i need an exercise stress test and a tilt table test.



i've cried more minutes out of this day than not.


i hate this.

this will never end.

weak

it's 65 degrees today. and sunny.
perfect running day.

so i tried.


HA.



i hate this.

who knows

so i went a day on Monday w.out the beta blocker due to my internship interview and then being gone all day after that, unexpectedly, and didn't have beta blocker with me. And... i'm now hypomanic. all week. yesterday was REALLY bad. I took a few "downers" last night when i got home and managed to sleep 10 hours, which is about what I've gotten total all week. So I think I was able to snap out of the manic phase since I'd never be able to sleep that long if I still was. I feel better today... less... hyper and all over the place. but still not normal.

The bad thing is.. the beta blocker makes me tired, but the hypomania makes me hyper. So I can't sit still and I want to move all over the place and study and do everything all at once. But I'm too tired to do said things because of the BB. So then it feels like I'm trapped inside my body while my head is going a million miles per hour. Then i get really tense and anxous and don't kow what to do with myself. So my 10 hours stuck on campus yesterday was not helping. I even had a hemostasis lab midterm yesterday. That was interesting to take. It was hard to sit still and be quiet.
I kept having to leave the study room and pace the halls. I called nathan a few times and the first time he had to tell me to slow down because I was talking too fast. I also sent him a weird email. He was good about it. He laughed at the email... and so did I after I read it again.
I had to talk to one of my professors yesterday and he tried to tell me to make sure i slowed down my talking or she'd think i was high. i hope i managed it. she didn't say anything.

email:

most of what you said makes sense. i didn't really have the attention span to read the whole thing so i skimmed it and now i'm really motivated to actually study so i'm going to do that right now instead of the case study but i will look over this again later. if you were heated up would your BP really go down? i would have thought up. i need to think about that. i will think about that. i found r---- and finished registering. yippee! that lady seemed grouchy. not r----. the other lady. r---- is never grouchy. i can't stop moving!!!!!! but my eyes want to close and take a nap. wait. eyes cant take naps. you know what i mean. you'll probably tease me for that sentence. that's ok. I LOVE YOU!!! i hope the heater fixing guy comes soon and you can be warm. being warm is good. i like being warm. the computer lab is super warm right now. I'M actually warm so that's saying something. too bad you cant' be here. i miss you!
k. i should go!

his reply:

That's the longest email I've ever had from you! Wow! You must have been typing quickly... I'm surprised your eyes need a nap, but even more surprised that you didn't just delete that part if you didn't want me to read it. You're funny and I love you.

I talked to him today and he mentioned the email. he said "it was like you were simply typing whatever came to your mind" yeah. pretty much. i'm kinda surprised it wasn't longer.

i managed to study today for a few hours.
i was going to attempt working out but i kept blacking out so i didn't think that was a good idea. maybe tomorrow.
i'll be going to work later, too.
i'm feeling better after my 10 hours of sleep... so i'm hoping i'll be productive today.

i was hoping i'd be more productive w. studying yesterday since i was manic and motivated but i was in the study room and a lot of people were talking and i was easily distracted and couldn't actually focus on one thing at time. so i didn't do a whole lot except play minesweeper and pace the halls. i did laps around all 3 floors of the building. a few times.
i had a 6 hour break between classes yesterday because i didn't have lab after the lab midterm and the midterm only took me 30 minutes. i was done by noon and my class isn't until 6.
it was a long day.


i hope i stable out. and i hope a depression doesn't follow the hypomania. i'm feeling better than yesterday but i can still tell i'm not exactly normal yet. i am still amazed i slept for 10 hours, though.
i guess i just have to wait and see.

poison

i don't really like life right now.

i got through the 3 exam week somehow. i don't feel like i've learned anything... i just know how to study for these teachers.

casey and kathrine are still here.
apple picking and party at ryann's tomorrow for ~25 people. i'm expected to join.
kathrine's baptism Sunday afternoon. company at house before and after.

um. hi.

i need my house back. i need company to not be here.

i need to be awake.
i'm so behind at work.
i have another 2 exams next week, plus a paper.
i haven't started writing the paper or studying for the exams.
i still haven't exercised at all.


i don't feel human.

and all i want to do is starve and cut.

i know that won't fix anything. but at least i'd feel something.
i just feel like a zombie.
just going through the motions.
i almost cry everytime it's time to take another dose of the beta blocker.
poison.
that's all it is.

pathetic

so far, all day i've been light headed (blacking out included) and feel like i might pass out at any second.
it's very hard to get work done when it's difficult to sit up straight.

i managed to stay at work for a little over 3 hours today. biggest accomplishment of the weekend.
pathetic.

useless

I'm not doing well.

I am so beyond exhausted. I do not feel like myself.
Sure, I'm always tired, but most days I can usually work though it.
Me on a beta blocker? I'm useless.
I can't think. I can't focus. I'm just so tired. Lecture makes no sense. I"m too tired to study. I'm too foggy to be productive at work, so I haven't been going, so I'm getting behind.
I have 2 exams and a quiz this week. Plus 2 homework assingments due. I haven't studied yet. This material is impossible to cram for, if I had the ability to cram.

8 classes is too many.
Ok, 7. The one I just have to show up for an hour and listen to people talk about their career. But still, it's still an hour out of my already unproductive life each week.

People say, "why don't you drop a class?"

BECAUSE THEN I WON'T GRADUATE IN MAY!!!!

And yes, I could technically gradute next December and start an internship in January, but my number one favorite hospital I want to intern at doesn't start internships in January like two of the others do. So if I do that, I miss out on it and have to settle for a lower choice.

I'm not okay with dropping a class.
I'd hate myself if I didn't graduate in May.

But I have barely studied all week. I'm not retaining anything.
I kept blacking out all day today. And yes, I'm eating and drinking enough.

I wish the beta blocker wasn't working, then I wouldn't feel the need to take it.
But it IS helping. My HR is lower and I'm not having as many palpatations.

But being this tired is not acceptable.

I'm getting behind in everything.
I'm not exercising.
And I'm just plain exhausted and overwhelmed.

I need to talk to the head of my department. When I told her a couple weeks ago I was sick she said "let me know if I can do anything for you."
I have no idea what she can do for me. I have to learn the stuff- there's no way around it. But I need to ask. Is there something she can help with? I doubt it. But I need to know.

I can't take this much longer.
I'm starting to hate myself.
I'm lazy and useless.
I might as well stay in bed all day.

screw you, Dr. S

i am so fed up with the electrophysiologist.

i called to see when i coudl get the ultrasound done and get the heart montior on. i was hoping it could be the same day, seeing as I live an hour away from there.

But no, that would be too easy. The ultrasound is on my birthday at 315. And then they can't be nice and put the heart monitor on me then- oh no. I have to come back the following wednesday at 3 to get that on. Hopefully I can take it off myself- since that's what I did last time- but the lady I just talked to was like "no, you have to come back in and have it taken off and return it". I had been hoping that I could take it off myself, then have my mom drop it off the next day. Seeing as I'm in class from 10am-9pm on Thursdays. I can't exactly drive 2 hours just to drop off the stupid thing in the middle of my day.

DAMN IT.

Ok, seriously. This is pissing me off. I have EIGHT classes this semester. And I'm still working!
September is already busy. We have a wedding next weekend, a meeting w. our priest for our wedding. Going wedding dress shopping with Ryann and mom this week, and probably a few more times soon (at least I was hoping so), we have to start making hte bridesmaid's dresses. Nathan and I have a marriage prep. retreat 18th-20th, I see susan on the 14th. And wine-making is 22nd and 27th.

Oh, and I have 8 classes and a job. And homework, exams.

Oh, and I'M TRYING TO APPLY FOR MY INTERNSHIP.


I don't have time for this bullshit.
I just don't.

maryland

Nathan and I went to Maryland last week. Stayed with my sister in Baltimore and a night in southern MD where his old base was. We stayed with his friend (who has two adorable little girls, ages 2 and 3). I didn't get to meet Corey because he is currently in Iraq, but Janice was there with the girls. The 3 yr old, Lily, became my best friend while we were there. I had been there for just a little while and she was sitting next to me, looked up with her big eyes and said, "I love you". She was hanging on me the rest of the time. I loved it.
We met up with some of his old friends there, and I got to see the house he lived in. Wednesday Nathan and I spent all day in DC. and on Thursday we drove back up to Baltimore and Diane gave us a day-long tour of Johns Hopkins (since she works there) and the city. It was such a fun week. We both needed a vacation. It kind of sucks to be back home... I got spoiled spending so much time with him.

My legs are a little sore from all of the walking so I decided not to run today. I'll wait and see how they feel tomorrow, I guess.

The "appt."

My appt was at 3. So I got there at 2:45. I sat and I sat. And I waited. And I tried to do physics homework. And I sat. And at 5:10 I get called back. I get weighed, I get my blood pressure and pulse taken. I get an ECG. I wait. And I wait. Around 5:35 the NP comes in to take my history. Around 5:55 the Dr comes in goes over the history the NP took with me. I was with him less than 5 minutes. Then he says the ECG looks normal and that there doesn't appear to be a structural problem (and of course, my resting HR was NORMAL while i was sitting there waiting for 3 hours). So he said he thinks it's the meds, but still, he'd like a 24 heart monitor and an ultrasound of my heart. Unfortunatly, everyone in the office had left at this point and there was no one there to set me up with it (isn't HE qualified?!).

So I have to go back. But I couldn't even set up a time to go back because the front desk people had all left and he said they would call me the next morning with follow up information (which they never did). He had been on vacation and that day was his first day back and they "accidently" overbooked him. Um... if you only have so many openings in the book, how do you "accidently" write too many people's names down? I would have waited a week if I had known that would have helped the situation. I left my house at 145 and got home at 7. I saw the dr for 5 minutes and had nothing but an ECG done. It was the biggest waste of a day ever. (plus, this was the day I was going on 2 hours of sleep and my entire exhaust system fell off my car on the way to class... it was already a crappy day. oh- and they have CNN on in the waiting room. I hate politics, i hate obama. and it makes me anxious and want to cut but i couldn't get away from it).

This place is an hour away from me.

I have no intentions of going back.

my heart is fine.

And I don't care.

another appt...

i see the electrophysiologist tomorrow...

i hate new drs.

im not looking forward to this.

intervals

i ran yesterday at the gym. i'm up to 12.5 minutes of running.
walking is boring. but instead of 1 minute run and 2 minute walks i changed it to 1.5 minute run and 1 minute walk... haha.

i have in my mind that when people stop running and walk- then they must be winded and out of shape. So since when I"m running I don't feel winded and I feel strong, I never feel the need to stop and walk. To do so would be a sign of weakness. Which is something i hate.
So now i have to FORCE myself to walk during my runs. it's uncomfortable. it's better when im out on the dirt roads and no one is around to see me. but i felt weird in the gym yesterday only running for 1.5 minutes at a time. I get paranoid that people are watching me and thinking "wow, she must be really out of shape, she can't run for very long" and not " she must be coming back from injuries" and even though i know that probably no one is watching me or thinking that, i still don't like it. (i finally think that people who aren't running much might also be coming back from injury... that never used to cross my mind... i guess i'm mean). but i made myself do the interval running yesterday. i need to change the way my mind thinks on this. It's not that I'm weak, it's that I'm treating my body well. which is something I'm still getting used to. and i've come too far to ruin it now.
i'll probably go to work tomorrow after my heart dr appt and run there. At least at a physical therapy office i won't feel so weak doing interval running. especially since everyone is usually old and have artifical joints and havne't run in years. to them, 1.5 minutes is probably impressive. haha. (plus, i can't over do it if my PT is there... she'd yell at me)

i worry too much.


but HEY!

I'M RUNNING AGAIN!!!!!!

Rain

just went running in the rain. about a mile and half but I walked in between runs so I figured it was fine. I feel good. I think I'm more prepared to run than my PT thought I am. I've been doing a lot of variety workouts at home and a lot of the workouts (from OnDemand) have running in place, a lot of various jumping exercises, and a lot of plyometrics. I started that because it's a good workout, plus it's impact but since i'm on carpet it isn't too much of an impact. I figured that was a good way to start. And I think that helped prepare my feet, ankles, and calves for running. After the first couple times I wasn't shakey with it anymore.

Don't get me wrong- I'm still starting out slowly, I still won't run 2 days in a row, i'll still do intervals until I work into running the whole time. i won't rush it. i promise.

but i'm excited because i felt really strong when i was out there today. and my calves didn't cramp. the bottom of my right foot was kind of tight afterwards but i stretched and massaged it and it feels okay now.

amazing.

Friday

I'm officially done with PT! I'm going to have a life again! wow!

Dad is in Seattle now with mom. I'll be home alone for a week.
Which sucks because dad is an awesome physics tutor and I have exam on Monday and homework due Wednesday and Thursday over two confusing chapters. (we just started quantum physics and on the first page of the chapter it says "prepare to be confused". How comforting).

but i get to workout at home whenever i want. So that's always a treat.
Might spend the night at Ryanns tonight or tomorrow because Joe is out of town too. Avery seemed pretty excited about having a girls night with Aunt Andi.

I want to visit Brandon and Jenny and hold little Luke again. But I don't want to be a pain. I'm sure everyone wants to go visit them and hold luke... they probably want to be alone with their son. but i really want to play with my nephew!

My knees are sore today.
maybe i haven't been stretching enough.

blistered.

my skin is all blistered from the sunburn. :(
it blistered yesterday but i popped most of them... but i tried exercising this morning and when i got done it was blistered even worse than yesterday.
i took pictures and posted them on FB so that my mom could see them since she's still in Seattle...

it hurts and it itches and nathan talked to the pharmacist that he works with and he said there is some spray that i could use to numb it but other than that there isn't much to do at this point except to not pop them and let them heal.

blech.

i ran for one minute 6 times today. yay.

running!

no more osteopenia!!!!!!!!! it was the best possible Outcome afterall. What a miracle!
i ran for 3 whole minutes at PT today(1 minute, 3 times). *raises eyebrow*
more of a tease than anything... but at least it's something and a start. i know i have to start out slowly... even though i think 3 minutes is beyond "slowly". but it isn't just my bones- it's my muscles and tendons and the tibial torsion messes with everything too. my muscles had atrophied (in my ankles and hips) and they aren't used to running.

i was doing lunges on the bosu ball after my 3 minutes of running and my left foot cramped up really badly. i tried to hide it from my PT (because i dont want to hear i have to put off the running) but of course she noticed. luckily she didn't seem overly concerned. i told her flexor hallicus longeus felt weird when i was running. not painful, but kind of stressed and tired. since thats where the tendonitis was it's not too suprising. i'm allowed to run a little bit more before thursday which will be my last day of PT. she wants to see how my feet handle it.
it's good that i work there... she said i can follow up with her whenever im in to work and if i want i can have her watch me run again if i think something feels off. She's so nice.
custom orthotics might be in order because of the tibial issues. and the navicular bone drops a little bit- which stresses flexor hallucis longus even more.
annoying but at least now my feet/calf problems make sense.

i hope i can run more soon.
i won't go crazy with it. i promise.
but seriously- i need more than 3 minutes!

Counting down

Two more days until i get the density results back...

i am beyond nervous.

the good thing about Friday is that directly after the dr appt, we're going to the warp tour. and Saosin, one of my all time favorite bands, will be there. So if the news is bad, i can listen to them and let the music help to heal (and distract) me. If the news is good i can go and celebrate.


physics exam tomorrow.
i need to go and finish studying.
not too worried about it.
i just need to go through the practice exam.

waiting

had my bone density scan today.

i dont know how many times and in how many ways i had to say i did not want my wrist scanned before they finally let me not have it done.

all i had last summer was my hip and my spine. all my dr needs to know is if there has been improvement within this year. since i have no previous results of my wrist denisty, that would mean nothing.

besides, i don't go running on my hands.

the lady didn't believe me that I didn't have my wrist scanned last summer. then she asked how many stress fractures i've had. and i said "a lot". she needed me to be more specific (why, i have no idea). so i said 4 in my femurs. "are you sure in your femurs?" "yes" "how far apart were those." "all within a year" "you're sure it was your femurs?" "Yes."
She asked how many in my tibias. i just laughed at her. I have no idea. I lost track. I said probably 3 or 4 in the last couple years but that i used to get them a lot back when i was actually running a lot (and im not confusing them with shin splints). i told her about my 3rd metatarsel fracture when i was 17, too.

When i was leaving she asked "now, you're sure it was your femurs?"

Ok, seriously? I had already told her I had osteopenia. Her job is doing this test, so I'm sure she's seen people come in with stress fractures all over the place. If i have weak bones, why is it THAT hard to believe it was my femurs?
No lady, i meant fibula. i have no concept of anatomy.

anyway.
i was fighting back tears the whole time i was there. i was so NERVOUS. i still am.
i have to wait until next Friday- a full week- before I see my dr again.

There are 4 possible outcomes:

1) My bones are weaker than last year. Very very unlikely. But I would be completely unconsolable.

2) My bones are the same as last year. Is a possibility. Pretty much unconsolable with this outcome, too.

3) My bones are stronger, but still osteopenic. Better than Outcomes 1 and 2, because at least there will be improvement- which gives me some hope. I will still be upset though, if it means I can't run.

4) My bones are no longer osteopenic and I have the green light to run. Obviously, the best Outcome. But I fear this is as unlikely as Outcome 1. It's been one year. How much can bones change in one year?


I'm trying to relax.
But I'm just so nervous.


I don't have the strength in me to be dealt another blow of bad news. I'm already broken from my neurologist appt.
I can't handle any more.

go away

ive been too sensitive lately.

crying over the littlest thing.

my mood has dropped.

and it's taking less and less to set me over the edge.


i haven't even wanted to talk to anyone today.
i just want to be alone.


so.
now what.

TdF (what else?)

Levi! I like this picture.

I don't know how I'm doing. I'm mostly just numb right now. Trying to focus on getting through each day- it's enough to keep my mind occupied. I need a break though. I need to put life on PAUSE. Just for a moment. Please. Just for a moment.


Luckily it's July, and that means the Tour de France! I love it.
It's kind of slow... None of the break aways are really much danger to the overall leaders and the overall times haven't changed in quite awhile. Team Astana (with Levi and Lance) are basically dominating the tour and no one wants to attack them until the Alps- which starts next Tuesday. It'll get really exciting in the Alps!
Right now, Astana riders are in 2nd (6 seconds back), 3rd (lance- 8 seconds back), 4th (Levi 39 seconds back), and 6th place (54 seconds back). Not too shabby. But yeah- kind of boring (*gasp* did I just say that?). Only boring because not much has been happening lately. There have been a lot of flat stages- more than I remember there being. And flat stages--- nothing really happens except exciting sprint finishes (Cavendish has won all of them). They were only in the Pyrenees for I think 3 stages... so that's weird. I'm looking forward to the Alps.




Instead of LIVEstrong... I like it better as LEVIstrong. ;)

.

I'm having a bad day.

no rest

i'm tired.
and i'm worn out.

and i can't handle too much more right now.

unfortunatly, i have a physics exam tomorrow.
and i still have a lot of studying to do.

but i just came back from therapy... so now all i feel up to doing is curing up in bed and closing my eyes.

...

defeated

will my body ever be healthy?

i seem to get sick whenever i start having kick ass workouts. i guess if im not getting stage 4 sleep ever, i'm wearing it out even more. how cna you have an immune system if you never actually sleep?

3 people have commented on how often ive been getting sick lately.


i've had my fill of appts. i want to be done.
between the sport medicine dr for my legs/feet, the PT 3x a week, therapy every 2 weeks, and my neurologist, i have to go to the dentist at some point, i have to get my thyroid levels checked and see my primary care dr about my thyroid meds, i still need to schedule my bone density scan (which im avoiding), and now i have to call up the heart doctor and then make an appt. with a sleep specialist that works along side w. my neurologist because he wants to bring someone else in on my case because he's pretty much stumped.

plus i have 2 jobs and an accelerated physics 2 class that i suck at. oh, plus i need to workout for my "sanity" (when im not sick with a 102.5 degree temp), and sleep, even though that seems like a waste of time since I dont actually sleep when I'm "sleeping". (FUCK YOU, BODY!) And the tour de france to watch (which might sound dumb, but i wasn't home to watch it last year so it's been 2 years since i've gotten to do this and be this excited. This is my one thing i enjoy every summer. i AM going to watch it). oh, plus i have a fiance, friends, and a family to spend time with. and a wedding to plan. and my internship interviews to prepare for and set up.

no big deal, right?

i'm feeling really defeated.
i was so hopeful that my brain rewired itself and that i was getting good sleep.
Not even with the meds is that happening. I was so hopeful i'd have a chance of coming off my meds. of being okay when nathan and i decide to have children and i get pregnant. how will i be okay?









how am i ever going to be a mommy?

bad day.

I"m having a bad day.
NOt only did i wake up with a 101.5 degree fever, a nose oozing green goo and my bronchitis cough reappearing, I had an appt. with my neurologist about the sleep study results.

I still don't get any stage 4 and hardly any stage 3 sleep. i'm primarly in stage 2, which isn't really anything worthwhile. His concern over my weird heart beat/rate/rhythems is preventing him from tweaking medications at all. Anything else he wants to try affects the heart, increasing anything that I'm on affects the heart. So he wants me to see an electrophysiologist ASAP to get my heart checked out by an expert. to rule out any problems with it. until that happens he won't adjust the meds.

I thought after 3 years of treatment SOMETHING would have changed in my brain. I was so hopeful. Why am I ever hopeful going into see a doctor for results? Don't I know better by now???
I've been putting off the bone density scan because I'm scared.

i need a new brain and a new heart and new bones.
is that too much to ask for?

them bones, them bones

So I dissected a pig tonight. Nic, my dad and i got most of the meat off of it so people could eat. Then after that I went back at it and had fun. Pigs have more bones than we do. and more vertebrae and ribs. I was fascinated!!! I thought it would be cool to take all of the bones and recreate the skeleton, but people thought i was weird already so I only took some of the bones (both scapulae, half of the pelvis, vertebrae, ribs, and some random leg/arm bones that seemed odd. I think one was a tibia and one was a fibula, but then there were bones going even lower than that so it made no sense!!! It was fun.

So now i have 2 ziplock bags full of pig bones in the fridge. I'm going to have fun tomorrow!!!

old thoughts

Yesterday didn't go so well. I couldn't stand the feeling of food in my stomach. I got panicky if I felt full at all, or didn't feel hungry. I didn't manage to have any lunch or snacks. I just couldn't get myself to do it.

We went out to eat last night with all of Nathan's family, plus his aunt, uncle and cousin from TN. 13 in all. I didn't manage to eat much, but I don't think anyone noticed, except maybe his one sister who kept eyeing me a little.

I don't know where that came from. I have my theories, but I'm really not sure.
I think part of it is that I've finally lost a little bit of weight (the healthy way), and it felt good to fit into some old clothes again, and it kind of brought me back to how it was when i started losing all of the weight really rapidly (not that i lost the weight rapidly this time).
Plus i was weighing myself every morning for awhile. I need to not do that. I hadn't done that for well over a year and a half. And I don't know why I started. Curiosity, maybe.

But it scared me- two ways. First, the thought scared me- the thought that I used to have every waking moment of my life for a really long time. And second, because part of me didn't care... and was excited by it.


I've managed to eat today. Going to a pig roast at Nathan's sister's tonight, though. And so I'm not sure what to expect, and I hate not being able to plan my meals ahead to know how to have the rest of my day go. I usually figure the whole day out in the morning so I can get everything together right then and there. And I can't do that tonight. Because I have no idea what i'll be able to eat there. I still have half of my day's worth of calories to go, though, and only dinner and an evening snack to go (if i end up breaking it up that way). I've just been nervous so my lunch and afternoon snack were on the small side to "prepare" for tonight.

What's going on in my head right now?
Why am I freaking out again?

no.

i'm having a really hard time eating today.

so... this pretty much sucks.

i'm way too torn on this right now.

and i know this isn't good.

liar

One month into physical therapy and my feet still suck, apparently. Tried working out today but my pain was 10 out of 10... which pretty much prevents me from doing anything but sitting on my butt. I did upper body lifting. and managed some walking before the pain shot up to a 10 (started out probably at a 6 or 7 (worked out anyway because im stubborn)- and all i had done this morning before that was work, which is just sitting at a desk for 4 hours... so why would that make them cramp and hurt?????)

It's so annoying. I could have lost weight by now, if only I could get some decent workouts in. But no, my feet have to suck and hate me.

I can barely walk around the house right now because it hurts to put weight on my feet.
I thought they were getting better. I told my PT that yesterday during my re-eval. But they made a liar out of me today. Damn feet.

I'm really frustrated today.

my silly body.

had PT again this morning. had a re-eval, which was interesting. my ankles are getting stronger and i have a lot more ROM, but still not enough and im still weaker than i should be. i got a new exercise to do- which is all balancing on one foot at a time (while i pull a weighted cable across in front of me). hahahahahahaha what a joke! i have no balance. my ankles were wobbling all over the place and i kept on tipping over. after that my legs and ankles are so tired.

it didn't help that i couldn't sleep last night.
which was SO frustrating because i fell asleep at Nathan's, or at least was about to. so I left his house thinking I'd be able to crash as soon as i got home. Nope. of course not. i went to bed, couldn't sleep, got up a couple times, finally went back to bed around 2:30, tossed and turned all night. i was so anxious, i kept freaking out and i have no idea why. i'd have to lay there and remind myself to breathe deeply and slowly and to relax. at one point i yelled at myself "ANDI! STOP THIS! RELAX ALREADY!" (it's a good thing im home alone this week so my parents didn't hear me yelling at myself!) i think i finally got to sleep around 5.

i called him this morning and said "we need to get married. i seem to only be able to sleep when im with you"

343 more days!

saw my sports dr this morning (before PT- so i had to get up at 7, after being up all night. blech). got a prescription for the bone density scan!
I asked my PT, Kim, when she thinks i could run if my bones end up being strong enough.
She said that at the 6 week mark i might be ready to start working my way into it(doing things on the trampoline and mini jumps on the total gym to get used to the bouncing movements). my 6 week mark would probably be when i get the results of the scan back, which is perfect timing, which makes me even more hopeful that God is making it all work out and that i'll be running soon.
i have a good feeling about my bones. maybe i'm just trying to be hopeful and that's why. but i don't know- i can't explain it. i just feel like my bones are going to be okay.

i want to work out today.
but i'm really tired.
i'm definitely too tired to focus at work, so im not even going to try.

annoying.

GTCA

Follow up to the PCR song. This one is also hilarious.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bF2QalUj1Y&feature=related

The PCR song

this is SO funny.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5yPkxCLads

1:40 is hilarious.

and "it's amazing what heating and cooling and heating will do"

stumped

the physical therapists are stumped. they can't figure out what exactly is wrong. Don today said it's possible nerve related. he said my symptoms aren't consistant w. plantar faciitis, and even tendonitis wouldn't cause the severe cramping in my feet that i have.

i told him they've been feeling better- still cramping but not as intense- but that it's difficult to tell if it's because of the PT or because I've cut back on the exercise and stopped doing things that aggrivated it in the past (or if it's related to the orthotics im trying). So before my next appt on Tuesday, I have permission to try doing things again to see if it's any better! Yay! bring on the treadmill w. an incline! bring on more time w. things! woo!!

hopefully i do okay with it. i want to improve... i feel like i'm a bad patient if i don't.

he thought about having a stress test and then getting blood taken immediately after to test my levels of stuff then. i guess that's a possibility but aren't stress tests done by running on a treadmill?

I'll run if they want me to.... but i think that would be frowned upon.

Koundinya I and II

now, I can also do these.

:)

Fun!

forearm stand

I can finally do this.

I got headstand pretty quickly, so I don't know why I had so much trouble with this one.

Next goal: scorpion

zzz

why have I been so tired lately?

blech. too much to do today to be tired.

go away

ive been feeling down today (and it isn't because the wings didn't win last night... i'm over it- pittsburgh wanted it more and outplayed us).
i thought taebo would help, but it didn't. just made me more tired.

brandon and jenny are having people over today. i thought it was next saturday but when brandon called me to see where i was, i still didn't feel like driving out there to be around people. (i didn't tell him that though)

tomorrow is a dissection for anatomy lab. even though im not currently a TA it really doesn't matter. Once a TA, always a TA. I was going to go tomorrow because I'd get to dissect ribcages which are one of my favorite things to dissect, but also because Jayme is going to be there and i haven't seen her since finals. but my heart isn't in it. maybe i'll stop in there. i need to go to the MLS lab and autoclave and do other things, and i want to go to the gym, so i'll be there. I don't know.. i just don't want to be around people right now. i want to hide away.

Nathan is the exception. he's working tonight though, so i cant hang out with him. Tomorrow night, though. So that's good.

what does work and my feet have in common? They both suck.

my feet hurt today :( i haven't exercised since Wednesday, so I haven't even earned this cramping. jerks.

hopefully i can get through some kickboxing...




there have been tons of charts at work I haven't been able to find in months. it's been SO annoying. I found about 30 of them on Robb's desk today. Charts that have been discharged last november that he hasn't filled out yet. Really, Robb? Are you really going to remember their measurements and if they achieved their long term goals? I mean, seriously. Good thing I'm an internal auditor and can't get them in trouble. This is ridiculous.

Oh, and Vikki hasn't updated my binder since May 22nd, so all of the new patients since then... I can't audit their charts because I dont know who they are yet! COME ON PEOPLE! she's supposed to do that every Monday. Um...

I'm glad I won't work there forever. This isn't my career. I have to remind myself that everytime I go in.