water

ive started swimming again.
i went last sunday and wasn't feeling very well in the water.
i went this morning and i already felt stronger. so that was fun.

my head hurts a lot.

i need to do some hardcore studying tonight.
so hopefully my head will feel better by the time dinner is over.
it's a late one- it's already 7 and we haven't eaten.
im not hungry at all, though.
blech.

carpals

yesterday the TAs did the next dissection for head and neck.
i did the anterior neck again. i like that dissection. amanda did the other side, and the others worked on the deep back muscles. we do the craniotomy during class so that the students can watch.


now that they've had their upper limb exam, i could cut the tendons of the wrist and reflect back the hand muscles and the forearm muscles. i actually ended up cutting away all of the forearm muscles, leaving the deepest, pronator quadratus, which is a squarish muscle at the wrist. it looks really neat. you can see the ulna and the radius, and the interossious membrane inbetween connecting the two. i cut most of the superficial hand muscles away, and cut the carpal tunnel ligament, so now you can see the metacarpals and 3 of the 8 carpal bones (trapizium, hamate, and pisiform). the remaining 5 are still encased in a really thick ligament that i haven't been able to cut through yet. i should have left the median nerve, which goes through the carpal tunnel, but i didn't think of it until just now. shoot.


i really like dissecting.

inadequate

parasitology lab is HARD. i have no idea how i'm going to well. we spent 2 hours looking at slides for parasites. and i'd find things, but i couldn't distinguish which species it was. i knew i found something. our prof said, "too bad you can't just say 'yup, there's something there' on the exam... you need to tell me what species it is."

that SUCKS.
they're so freaking tiny. i found one that i estimated to be 5 to 10 micrometers across.
so it's tiny. so i can't tell how many nuclei there are, or what the karyosomes look like, or if there are peripheral chromatin, or vacoules containing digested bacteria or red blood cells.
all i can do, at this point, is tell that there is SOMETHING there among the rest of the slide filled with 'junk' (what we call everything that we're not looking for).
i can find the refractile membrane, at least one nucleus, most of the time. but that's it.

i'm pretty sure i found entameoba hartmanni and endolimax nana in our patient's sample today. and i think i found cysts of both, and one troph form of the hartmanni.
but that's a complete guess.

i hope i never have to work in the parasit lab at work.


my parents are in DC for the March For Life. I wonder if I'll ever have the chance to go to one. I hope and pray that FOCA doesn't pass.
i'm scared for this country.



i have a hematology quiz tomorrow. i haven't had much motivation to study tonight. Nathan was supposed to come over- and that would have helped me to focus- but stuff came up and plans changed and he ended up not being able to come over afterall. im pretty bummed.

i managed to study a good chunk of it. then i needed a break, so now i'm facing the challenge of getting back into it. i dont' have much left to go. and im studying with Jamye in the morning before class. it shouldn't be too hard, i don't think. but i've heard nothing but horror stories about her quizzes and exams, so i have no idea what to expect.


i don't feel up to the challenge of being a med tech today.
after parasitology lab today, and after immunology lecture (whoa! all of a sudden it got hard), and now my lack of motivation to study hematology.

i dont like that i'm having such a hard time in parasit.
microbiology was so much easier- we streaked plates, and two days later we looked at colonies of bacteria.
in parasit- we make O&P slides of patient stool samples, stain them, and then look for tiny tiny tiny ameobas that i can hardly see.
i had a hard time with the control slides- so i know it isn't my slide prep technique.

i just feel inadequate today.

screaming

i've never had that much patience. so i'm really surprised i've held out this long.
but this is getting ridiculous.

every cell in my body is screaming at me to restrict.

stupid lab

3 1/2 hours of sleep. i have to run an open lab today for 4 hours.

i'm not awake.

and i'm so sick of TAing. i'd resign, but i can't. not now. i'm the head TA for my section now, and mostly everyone in my section is new. i can't leave.

there will only be 3 of us today.
so today won't be fun.

maybe not many students will show up today.
usually, i don't hope for that.
usually, i get frustrated when students don't care and don't come.

but today...

i don't care.

.

am i always going to be trapped?
is this all there will ever be?

hibernating

i told my mom this morning that i was going to go to Mass tonight.
that was my plan.

now i told her since i dont really like going to Mass in town, it's not making me motivated to go out in the cold and deal with the snow and icey roads. so i'll go to st cyrils in the morning.

actually, i just don't feel up to leaving the house. i just don't care about life.

i haven't left my room much at all today.
i'm strangly okay with that.

gone

i was looking through old pictures on the computer today, trying to find some from 2005. but i looked at the ones from febrary two years ago. the ones from when we went to florida. and i was 102lbs.
dont know why i do this to myself. look back and remember what it was like.

but i miss it.

i really really really miss it.

why

i went back to my increased dose of lamictal. and i'm actually taking it regularly again.

so why do i feel like curling up in a ball and crying?

abilities

sometimes, i question my ability to succeed with what i'm doing.

the amount that i'm learning is overwhelming most of the time.

but this is only the beginning.
this is still 'junior year' of undergrad. these labs still don't affect anyone's life.

what if i screw up when i'm interning or working, and then someone gets hurt.

it makes me scared.

.

one day, i will be free from this.

Trust

(i can't believe this ended up being so long!)


Couldn't sleep well last night, either. I ended up taking rozerem at 1am. Got to sleep around 2 or 2:30...


I kind of know why now. I completely broke down into tears last night. I went to bed, slightly sleepy, but not enough to fall asleep right away. As soon as the lights were out- my mind was spinning.
so when i stay up late reading, or watching medical shows on discovery health until all hours of the morning... until i'm so tired that i literally can't think anymore and the only possibility is to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow...
its my way of numbing out. of avoiding my thoughts.


I don't know why I worry about the things I worry about. It's just old fears... the memory of those darker times. And the fear that it will all come back again.



I used to be so sick. I could barely get out of bed. I couldn't go to my highschool anymore. I was stuck at home. My life was put on hold. I'd lay there in bed, crying, everyday. I was so scared. no, i was petrified. We didn't have a diagnosis yet. I didn't have an explaination. and without a cause to my illnesses, there was no treatment. there was no cure. there was nothing. all i could invision for myself was a life of sickness. a life not worth living. i couldn't see myself managing to ever go to college. and if i did, i never could imagine myself being able to have a career. my body wouldn't allow it. my body wouldn't even allow me to finish highschool on time. it wouldn't let me read for more than 10 minutes at a time.
i couldn't imagine ever having kids. there would be no way i could have the energy to take care of a baby, chase around a toddler, keep up with child. and i never wanted to only have one. i'd never do that- make them be an only child. that would be one of the worst thing i could ever do. but if i couldn't manage one- and if i did, it would be a miracle- then i surely couldn't manage two or more.

(and i never wanted to be like how my mom was to me- always sick... that had a bad effect on me too... but i don't want to go there right now)

I was terrified my life would amount to nothing. that i would know nothing but illness and darkness. and that the world would continue to go on without me, like it had been doing since I had gotten sick in the first place. i was terrified of a life stuck in bed. a life of physical and emotional pain. a life of such profound fatigue that i was completely useless.

what would i do with myself? there would be no way i'd live with my parents for the rest of their lives (and when they died... then what?). but how could i ever manage to work enough to pay rent for some place on my own?
all i saw was a future of nothingness.
i couldn't imagine myself beyond the age of 19 or 20.
i dont know if i figured I'd die by then? it's a weird thought, i guess. but i really never saw myself as getting older. i had these fears of the future, but part of me thought "don't worry, you'll never get to that point that you'll have to deal with that."


and it wasn't just the physical illness part.
it was my dark, black moods i had. maybe partly due to being sick, but not completely. i could almost always seperate the two different types of depressions. all i knew was darkness. pain. anxiety. all i knew was cutting, thoughts of suicide. nights of endless tears. going days without talking, without eating, without leaving my room. life had no meaning. all i knew was depression.



so i was diagnosed w. bipolar. finally found the right meds and lifted out of the depression... for the most part... at least i got stable.

and the week before I turned 20, i finally got the diagnosis i had been searching for since i was 14. i started treatment, i started feeling better.
now i kick ass at college. i'm 22- so i've made it past 20, like i never thought i would. i have a future career in sight. i'm enaged. i have hope for the future. i finally have hope.



but... i'm still terrified.


i'm terrified of all of that rushing back at me. of not being able to escape that hell i had been stuck in for 6 years.

i want to have kids. nathan and i want to have kids.

so... when i'm pregnant... i'm off ALL of my medications.

my illnesses.... they have no cures. only treatments. and each treatment is medication.

these treatments are the only reason why i've made it to where i am right now. without them..... i don't know.


so what will happen? without lamictal. will the bipolar go crazy? will i spiral down, back to that dark hole i was stuck in for so long? will the anxiety get intense again?
and what about the sleep disorders. will i stop getting stage 3 and 4 again? and the provigil... how could i manage without it? especially because the last time i went off of it a couple summers ago, i was suicidally depressed the whole time i was off of it. i seriously shut completely down that summer. i never want to go back there again.

will i become as sick as i was again? will i become exhausted to the point of being bedridden again? of needed to use wheelchairs when i was too sick to even walk?


i'm terrified.


i'm terrified of my past. it was so painful.
i never want to go back there.



and i dont know why i worry about this now. it'll be a long time before we become parents.
so why do panic about it now? it doesn't affect me right now...

but i'm still scared.



i'm scared of becoming my 17 year old self again.
i hated life at 17.



so i keep messing around with my medication.
i keep taking myself off things. cutting back dosages. stopping them all together.
just to see- what will happen if i go without this, or without that. or what about without either.

and life without lamictal, and life without pamelor... not good.
i always feel the effect.

my mood drops, my anxiety skyrockets. remember those panic attacks last month? yeah- i hadn't been taking lamictal for awhile.
not taking the pamelor... my body feels run down. like i'm getting the flu. my body aches all over, i get fatigued easily. i can't think. i feel the beginnings of what it was like before.

to come off both of them?
forget it- i was a mess.
i won't do that again.
(except i'm going to have to, to have children... on multiple occasions... )


i remember what Bree said yesterday while we were talking: "but that takes all the fun away. why not worry about what you cant control :-P "


God is in control, ultimately. If we're to have children, I have to believe God won't abandon me. Even if it's rough on me- Nathan will be there with me. He will be my strength, and my calm.

I need to learn to trust God.

But I get so nervous... about how the next couple of years will all work out.

I hate unknowns. I really do. I always have.

I realize everything up until the point has all happened for a reason. Even my illnesses... it's all worked out. Without them, I wouldn't have gone to the university I'm at. I wouldn't be in the year that I am. I wouldn't have had the same classes with Nathan. We never would have met.
When I got my diagnosis and started treatment-- it was the first day of my sophomore year of college. the year that classes started to get challenging. the year that i needed health more than anything. and God gave that to me, just in time.
God brought Nathan and I together at the most perfect point of our lives.
The bipolar, the cutting, the anorexia... it's all made me stronger. it's made me understand myself, it's made me understand life... it's made me appreciate life, and my education, and my health.
it's made me into who i am.
and it's allowed me to meet amazing people. and it's allowed me to reach out to other people... because i can completely understand them.

so i have to trust in God.
that He won't abandon me now. And he won't abandon me when we decide to have children.

and i realize there might be pain, and there might be sadness and struggles... but He'll be there. and it'll all be okay. and He'll lead us through it. He'll make it worth it.

Just like he made those 6 terrible years into something wonderful.



I just need to trust.

running

i ran 21 minutes today!!! and my legs feel fine (aside from some knots in my thighs that i've had for a couple days). no broken bones!!!

wow. it felt good. really good.

i wanted to keep going. but i've made so much progress with the running. slowly building up my time, spacing the runs a couple days apart. i was afraid if i kept going, i'd ruin all of that progress and fracture something again.

oh! and it was exciting because i got up to 6.6 mph for 5 minutes! i've never run that fast, for that long before! i was dying by minute 5, but it was fun. i had to knock it back down to 6.1ish.

but... prior to today, i had kept it around 5.7 mph, give or take a decimal. and i was staying around 10-12 minutes... so yeah. that's a big jump!



i love running.

school

Didn't school just end?

I got my new books today.
I only needed 2, since we're using the same book from micro for parasitology.
immuniology (with my old biochem prof) looks fun.
hematology... not so much.
or maybe i'm just dreading that professor.

pop

i still am surprised that i'm more angry at my mom than i am at my dad... even though i get along so much better with her than him.

when i had to write letters to them at rogers (not to be sent), the one to my mom was a lot longer and a lot angrier.
i hadn't been expecting that.

i brought that up with susan today.

i wonder if i'll ever work up the nerve to tell them everything.

it almost doesn't seem fair to me to not tell them.

i know there were a lot of factors leading to the behaviors- but my parents are HUGE contributors.

i need them to know that.

i need to pop their ignorant bubble that i've been protecting for all of these years.

i'm tired of protecting it.

counting down

i can't wait to move out of this house.
my parents are toxic to me.




tentively 521 more days until im married!

hopefully i can move out a little bit before then, since i graduate in 486 days...

natty

little Natalie completely stole my heart this week.
she is the sweetest child i have ever met. so calm and loving and happy.
i love that she warmed up to me so quickly.
i loved cuddling up with her and reading stories to her and kissing her little forehead.


i wanted to hide her so that Ryann and Joseph couldn't take her with them.


i'm so happy for them to move home soon so that i can play with Natty and watch her grow up.


i want a natalie one day. i hope all of my kids are natalies.

i miss her.

eeeeeee! (part 2)

CASEY AND ROBERT ARE HAVING A BABY, TOO!!!

..

mom is so fricking annoying.


i need to get out of here.

Eeeeeeeee!

Brandon and Jenny are having a baby!!!!

new pants

i realized a few days ago i didn't have any black pants or anything dressy-ish for christmas eve. so i braved going to kohls for pants. always terrifying.
it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. i still don't like the size that i am. but it hasn't gone up, so that helped. the black pants are a size smaller than before and the jeans i found for 1/2 off (sweet!) are the same size as before, but they're big on me. so... *deep breath*
i hate clothes shopping. too anxiety provoking and stressful.

i'm finally noticing a change in my body, i think. i've had more time to add more weight training and variety into my workouts. and ive been running 11 minutes a few times a week... and no broken bones! i don't know. i'm still being patient... but it's still hard.

but i went and got black pants, and still went home and ate lunch afterwards, even though i was uncomfortable with the size.
so i think that was successful.

but i still miss being a size 0. and i still miss wearing skirts from the girls department, because size 0 was too big.

maybe that's sick and twisted, but i miss it. i miss being tiny. i miss seeing my bones. i miss my pants becoming too big all the time.

i still haven't accepted that i'll never be there again.
i still have all of my small pants.

afterall- ryann is tiny, and she's healthy... right? why can't that happen to me, too?
i should give her my old clothes, since they're not doing anyone any good sitting in my closet-- but i think it would be too hard to see her wearing them, and knowing that i can't fit into them anymore. and knowing that's had 2 kids already, eats whatever she wants and never works out.

but i'm not bitter.




i hope that one day, trying on clothes won't be tramatic.
i hope that one day i can be comfortable in my skin.

today isn't that day.
but maybe one day.

engaged!

I don't think I'm going to stop smiling for a really long time!

Fingertips

1. Put your music on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the meme as well as the person you got the meme from.

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
This is how I disappear- my chemical romance

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Everyday- dave mathews band

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
scream, aim, fire- bullet for my valentine

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Wolve's - iron and wine

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
forever and always - bullet for my valentine

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
when two are one- Atreyu

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
broken bones- rev theory (very true! stupid femurs!)

WHAT IS 2+2?
40 miles from the sun - bush

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
trust- thrice

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
a little piece of heaven- avenged sevenfold (aww)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
fences- paramore

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
still running- Chevelle (yup!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
when the rain comes- third day

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
bent- matchbox twenty

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
born for this - paramore

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
nice to know you- incubus (hahaha)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
louder than words- greenwheel

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
conspiracy- paramore (shhh)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
the theft- atreyu

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
the best i ever had (grey sky morning) - vertical horizon

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
babylon- david grey

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
3am - matchbox twenty

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
It's far better to learn- saosin

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Betrayal is a symptom - thrice

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
here we go again- paramore

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
between the end and where we lie- thrice

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
alright- tantric

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
burn it down- avenged sevenfold

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
blood on the ground - incubus

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
fingertips- they might be giants

COMMUNICATE!

i'm still so tired.

i slept until almost noon today.

worked for awhile. i was going to workout at home tonight, since my parent's aren't home, but i dont know if i have the energy.
i've only been awake for 6 hours.... this is ridiculous.


Other news- My mom never informed me we were going to my brothers on the 23rd and to my aunts on the 26th - to see my cousin who lives in chicago. and ryann, jos, and the girls will be there on the 23rd and casey and robert will be home for the 26th.
but i didnt' know about this stuff going on, so i had made plans to go to nathan's family thing on the 26th.
and i never told Nathan, so hes working the 23rd, so he can't come now.
depending on what time things happen on the 26th, i might need to skip out on Nathan's family- which i really don't want to have to do.

i wish mom had told me this. i only know becase casey sent everyone involved a message on facebook about it.
so my sister, three time zones away tells me, and not my mom, who lives in the same house.

lovely.

Anger

so i guess i know now what had been building up for the last little while.


i just spent a good hour in my room crying my eyes out.
i sat down on my bed, about to read a little, when everything just hit me, like it would at Roger's, and i couldn't stop crying.

i shouldn't be surprised.
the last month or so has been nothing but school.
the last couple weeks, all about finals, the week before that, panic attacks.
something had been building. but i never let myself slow down enough to feel it. i'm good at doing that. keep busy, and you don't have to think about life.

it still surprises me how these few things stick with me. still bother me.
i had new realizations tonight, which surprise me, too.


there's a lot of anger inside of me still.
a lot of hurt.
a lot of resentment.
a lot of pain.
a lot of haunting memories.
memories of everything. pain, fear, darkness.
so vivid.
it's still raw.
very raw.

i guess ive never fully gotten it outside of me.
the anger.
i've always taken it out on myself.
angry? cut myself
angry? don't eat
angry? go lose 30 pounds.

there's always been a lot of factors that drove what i've done. a lot of different things that fueled the cutting and the ED.
but one thing has always been a constant--- anger.

the red, sore, bleeding cuts to me just screamed anger. angry red lines. angry pain. angry scars.
the pain in my stomach, the hunger, that screamed anger, too.
the bones, the more they stuck out, the louder they screamed anger.

i guess it makes sense, that now i'm not turning to those behaviors, that I'M going to be the one feeling the anger first hand.
it was always my body feeling the anger. it was never my mind.

i'd been protecting myself.




so now what?

done with biochem

biochem final wasn't too bad. all of the things i thought would be short answers, were indeed short answers. and the things i didn't go over, ended up NOT being short answers! i still don't remember bilirubin synthesis or heme synthesis regulation. the bilirubin question was a SA question, actually- but it was one where we could either answer that or part B, which was about DNA repair, which was super easy.

he messed up ont he numbering (there were two #3s for the short answer part), so i think he accidently added 6 extra points. so that means there was a possibility of getting 126 out of 100 points...
i think it was okay.

it might be a little pathetic, but i'm going to miss that class.


i went to the gym (FINALLY) after the exam, then rushed home to go to my appt. with Susan, only to find out that she's on vacation. so i have no idea when my next appt is, because the lady there didn't know and i could have sworn it was today.
so i went to work for a couple hours, but i was tired and had a headache and couldn't focus so i came home. i need to study micro all night. but ive been up since 6 and fell asleep around 2, and my brain is fried from this morning.


i'm glad i'm going to have my biochem prof again next semester.
i really like how he teaches.
we were talking to him today after the final and i said how i liked the class, even though it was really hard, and he said that he would just be jipping us if he made it easy. i totally agree.
tess is going to be able to manage biochem in med school fairly easily, because our prof used the med school biochem book. and he made us know it inside and out.
same with clinical immunology that i have next semester with him.


i'm kind of upset with Susan.
I had called her during one of those stupid panic attacks a couple weeks back and she never called back. and now she's gone when i had written down my appt was on the 9th.

i could have used therapy today. it would have been really good timing.


ok. im taking a break and doing nothing that requires brain energy until 6.
at 6, i will lock myself in my room and study bacteria until i can't stand it anymore or fall asleep.
my micro final isn't until 3:30, so i have plenty of time tomorrow, too.


almost done. almost done. almost done.

finals

I love school, but finals... they're not a good idea.

biochem final tomorrow.
i keep going back and forth on how i feel about it.
i know i have a lot of things down really well.
and i know the things i'm still shakey on... so i know i should just focus on those shakey areas, but i keep avoiding them for some reason. it's annoying.

i had more coffee at 330 today.
i'm still tired.
i'm burning out but i have a lot more to do tonight for tomorrow, and as soon as biochem is over, then i have to cram for micro...

it'll be nice when all of this is over.

i have to go to Mass tonight at 7.
i should make it my goal to study really hard until i have to leave.

but my heart just isn't in it right now.

ready for bed

i'm so tired it's retarded.

i could take a nap- or just go to bed for the night, and it's 4pm.

oh wait, didn't i do that yesterday?

SERIOUSLY.

extra coffee and everything.
but does my body care?

NO!

stupid body.

distracting

So after that last post yesterday, I went upstairs to study and ended up falling asleep until almost 9pm.
I got up, hoping I'd be up to studying for a little while. Well, that wasn't the case, so I took rozerem and went back to bed, and woke up at 9am, only because of my alarm going off. I easily could have slept for a few more hours.

So I lost yesterday for studying. Which is annoying.
But I really needed that sleep.

Today I've been studying biochem and micro off and on.
I don't feel as solid w. biochem as i did with the last exam. But that's probably because I have been sleeping instead of studying... Ugh.

It's already 1:30...
This stinks.



Dad is SO annoying.
I would be okay with him leaving the house today.
I think it's time for headphones and loud music to drown everything out.
Between dad accusing me of being a bad notetaker (???) and dad's whistling and his pacing the house (must he shuffle his feet?) and humming to himself, and mom with the TV on loud because they're old now... it gets aggrivating.


-deep breath-

i'm not stressed.
... right?

tired

i'm completely exhausted again today.
i went right home after lab this morning. skipped the gym and yoga.

i need to study but my eyes want to close.

this is frustrating.
it's not a typical everyday tiredness.

my bones are tired.
this feels like CFIDS tired.

sensitive

I'm way too sensitive to other people's emotions.

i don't know how to change that.
but i really, really need to.

it's not helping.

almost over

Just got out of microbio lab. Finished my unknowns and identified all of the bacteria i had. I think I had 12 or 13 total, I can't remember.

Had my last micro lecture tonight.
Tomorrow is the last lecture for biochem. We still have 5 1/2 chapters to cover... that should be interesting.
Tomorrow is my last class for issues in health care- and i have to do a group presentation- which i'm NOT looking forward to.
i HATE HATE HATE talking in front of people.
Seriously.
i dont like people!!!
thats why i want to work in a LAB and work with bacteria and viruses all day.
if i wanted to work with people i'd be doing something else.

oy.

3 finals next week.

and then i'm done.


amazing.



now all i have to do is find the motivation to study...

crazy.

it just dawned on me.

i got through all of that without hurting myself in any way.
i didn't cut, i didn't restrict, i didn't purge, hell- i didn't even exercise for 3 days.

i just let myself feel it. no matter how raw and painful it got.

i used my voice.

i waited for it to pass.

and it did.

finished

i finished my paper last night. It's 7 pages, 8 1/2 if you count the reference page, which i think i can do.
had dad and nathan proofread it for me.
finished the reference list this morning and poof! a paper all about streptococcus agalactiae.

i just have micro lecture and lab tonight. neither should be too bad.
hopefully i can identify another bacteria today in lab with my unknowns. i identified two on monday. I had haemophilius influenzae and staph. saprophyticus. i have a psuedomonas, but i have to wait for some of the biochemical tests to come back before i can officially say that.

jessica is going to spend the night tonight.

then i'm going to yoga in the morning with Nathan.
then to his grandparents house for Thanksgiving.

just finished making a batch of pumpkin bread to take over there.
the house smells good.

talked to ryann for over an hour this morning.
working on getting the house for sale!

anxiety has lessened.

i have no idea what was up with those few days.
I hope that's over and done with.

yesterday i was able to take my time and write the paper without stressing myself out too much.
i could actualy focus and write a logical sentence... so that was good.


i could have made it to yoga today- Lynnes class- but i was talking to Ryann and making bread so now i won't be able to make it on time. at least i'll be able to workout today, though.
going 3 days without it sucks.

Drained

I don't know what to do today.
I just got out of biochem, so I either go to the rec and workout, or I go home and start working on the paper right away.
I haven't exercised in 2 days, so skipping today makes day #3.
That doesn't sit well with me.

But I'm so tired.
I've slept so much the last 3 days, though, so this is stupid.
I slept most of Sunday because of the ativan. Then I slept in on Monday, so I got about 9 hours of sleep.
I fell asleep on the couch last night after micro- again while Nathan was over... i felt bad about that.
I went to bed at 10, as soon as he left, and woke up at 730. So another 9+ hours of sleep there.
and yet it feels like i haven't slept in days.
i keep yawning and don't feel like moving, and exercising right now does not sound appealing, even though i really need to do something.

The tiredness is probably from the anxiety. That's the only thing I can think of.
plus i'm afraid to drink too much coffee because i don't want to get shakey--- i don't want to feel anything that is similar to anxiety right now. i can't handle that. i still feel too fragile and vunerable.

i talked to my micro prof last night- told her about the panic attack and the anxiety- how i had to have Nathan drive me to and from campus because i was in no condition to be driving. i told her i had a good chunck of the paper done, and it wasn't like i had been procrastinating and just trying to buy extra time- but that i had planned on working on it more this weekend and yesterday, and the anxiety and panic attacks came unexpectedly and screwed up that plan.
she said "well, see what you can do and let me know Wednesday how it went. it's that time of year- with finals- you're probably bring a lot of the anxiety upon yourself."

uhh.. okay, that doesn't help me at all.
For one thing, i'm not stressed about school right now. aside from this paper, i dont have anything to do until my 3 finals that a few weeks away.
And then- what if i dont' have it completed by wednesday and she decides she doesn't care, and then i get screwed over.

not helpful at all.

im going to try to get it done tonight.
i had told dad i'd email him my paper monday night- well, that didn't happen
he called to see if i had sent it and it didn't go through- so i called him back and said i'd try to send it tonight.

i guess i'll skip the gym... again.
i hate that. i really do.
but i really need to finish the paper tonight, so that in the morning i can do finishing touches on it, and i dont have to worry about dad or my prof's reactions to not having it done.

i have all day.
it's only noon.
if i go home now, i'll be home by 12:45. i can eat lunch, and then get started on it. take breaks when i need to. make sure i stay calm.
my brain typically starts shutting off around 10pm, so that gives me a lot of time to work on it.
i should be okay.


i can do this
i can do this
i can do this.


anxiety levels aren't as high today.
it's just the exhaustion i'm fighting.
hopefully the anxiety stays away and lets me finish this damn thing.

i am shakey.
i'm telling myself it's coffee and provigil.

i'm not anxious...
got that, body?
now- stay that way.

panic

i'm not okay today.

i slept most of yesterday, due to the ativan.

i woke up, still anxious.

ive been working on my paper, i have 3 pages done, and a few more ideas of what to write about.

but it's hard to focus on that when i'm freaking out and shaking and bursting into tears for no reason.

i want to take more ativan, to sleep this off.
but i can't.
i'm already skipping micro lecture. i should have already left for class, but i can't. theres no way.
i have lab at 5, and i can't miss that. we're doing our unknowns, and i can't afford to miss a lab right now.
so i have until 4:15 to stop freaking out enough to be able to drive and functon around people.


i'm going to have to talk to prof W about getting the notes from lecture today. i'll probably tell her i wasn't feeling well enough to make it. which is true.
i'm debating on whether or not to tell her i've been on the brink of a panic attack and haven't been able to focus to work on the paper.
to see if i can turn it in after thanksgiving.
i doubt she'll let me, but it's worth a shot?
i have a good chunk done, and i'll tell her that. say ive been working on it and it isn't procrastionation that's causing me to need more time, but the fact that i can't think straight because my mind has been in panic mode for the last two days and i dont know when it'll stop.

i dont know.

i can't take this.

i wish i wasn't home alone.
i wish mom was here.
somebody.
i'd even take dad, at this point.

i just can't handle this.
i'm shaking so badly
and crying.
and freaking out.

i shouldn't be alone right now.

i hope i can drive later.
and i hope that i can funciton in lab, and make sense of things and not ruin my unknowns because i'm too out of it to think straight.



i seriously can't take this anymore.

i called susan but she didn't answer, either.
must be in with someone else.


i dont even know what to do with myself.
i seriously want to take ativan again, but i really can't.
i HAVE to make it to lab tonight.
i have no choice.


i have no idea what to do.

no idea.

no fucking idea.

i can't make this stop.

i can't stop crying.
i can't stop shaking.
i can't stop panicking.


i can't take this anymore.

dazed

i actually took ativan this morning.


two, actually.

very unlike me.

but the panic...

i'm so dazed right now.
everything im doing is confusing to me.
like logging into blogger.
and writing this entry.
trying to figure out what to eat.

i dont know how long this takes to wear off.
i never take ativan.
i had it one time at rogers, but before then? i dont know.


im afraid of it wearing off.
what will happen?
will only the cloudyiness and confusion wear off
or will the panic come back, too?

i dont want the panic to come back

please
dont let that come back.


nathan isn't answering his phone.
should his church service be lasting longer than 3 hours?
i'm really confused.

my parents have already left for Seattle

so. i'm home alone for 8 days.
that's JUST wnat i need right now.

thank you for that lovely timing.

down

.



moods are crashing.



wait, present tense? i think they're done crashing. i think they've officially crashed.



now i'm here among the reckage looking for any glimpse of life.





not seeing any.






when will the darkness end?


.

Borrowed.

I have 36 gallstones in my purse right now.

One is larger than a peanut M&M.

They're from an old man I never met, yet know really well.

I have to give them back on Sunday, but until then... this is really cool.

sweet

i am completely kicking biochem's ass!!!!

i got a 110% on the exam


how is that even possible?!?!!

i'm so excited.

EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

BEN GET'S TO COME ON HOME IN JANUARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cram

microbiology exam in 45 minutes.

i don't feel prepared, but i keep telling myself that her tests aren't that difficult. it's just multiple choice. i should be able to recognize enough things.



i emailed lisa the link to the online food and exercise log today. i think this will help. i'm feeling good about making progress, now.


the last 3 days, i've done well... so hopefully i can keep it up.


i need to go cram some more with what little time i have left, but i'm really sick of reading about bacteria.
it's a good thing I didn't bring Eclipse with me... haha. I'm almost done with it... again.

ok. 30 more minutes of cramming in the library and then i'll head over to class.

then i don't have any more exams until finals week!!!

awesome.
i like that this semester is almost over.
i've liked this semester... but still... i'm glad it's almost over.

last dissection

Sunday already? Seriously?

The exam on Thursday went pretty well. I think the difference was in the studying. I didn't necessarily study more, i studied smarter. I have a better understanding on how he writes his tests, and knew how and what to study. It was a relief to be over. We probably won't get them back until next Thursday, though.

Yesterday the TAs did the abdomen and thorax dissection. Maureen and Nathan and a couple of other students joined us. I GOT TO WORK ON THE RIB CAGES! No one else but Nathan even touched them. Everyone knows I've claimed them forever, and they're all okay with that. No one else likes to work on the ribs.
i even got to crack the ribcage off! i needed nick and Dan to help me because i had never done it before, but i cracked most of the guy's ribs and helped cut the diaphragm off and other assorted tissues.
awesome!

Our bodies are WEIRD this semester. They pulled me over to the female body and showed me an organ they had cut in half. "What do you think this is, Andi?" I didn't know... i guessed the spleen... Nope! It was a kidney!?! what the ?
the kidneys in each body had huge pockets of liquid on them. it was so strange.
i heard them say the guy's heart was really fatty
The lungs in both bodies are horrible. Smokers, for sure.

The man's stomach seemed small, I guess. I didn't actually see it- i was busy with the ribs.

No uterus in the woman. I'm not sure what we're going to do... Somehow the uterus we've had for years has disappeared (along with our favorite brain/spinal cord, and a few other things). I don't know who decided to send them back to where ever they'd be sent to. It wasn't Dr Bee.. she doesn't know where it went, either.
which is REALLY annoying, because she's in charge of that lab, basically--- so for someone to go behind her back and do that...
I'm protective of lab and of our organs.



I need to be studying for micro... i have an exam tomorrow.
but i really don't feel like it.
i had good intentions of waking up early, studying, going to mass, work, exercise and study the rest of the day
but i don't think that is going to play out exactly like that anymore.
I'll probably go to the 130 mass instead of 11.
i really need to get started on something.

oooof.

numb, happy, hurt

i haven't been able to make myself freak out about the biochem exam tomorrow morning.
i oddly feel prepared, but really- i haven't studied nearly the amount as the last exam.
he claims this exam is just as hard, if not harder, than the last one. but i can't figure out how that is... and that slightly worries me.

i think i'm just numb.
numb to life and to caring.
i'm burnt out and i don't care.
i think i'm tired of trying so damn hard.
trying so hard in recovery, only to not get anywhere.
trying to hard in school, only to realize there is no end in sight.

i'm not going to grad school, so why should i care about my grades.
i just need an internship.
so really, the pressure to 4.0 is all from me.
and it's unnecessary.
and i know that, and i've known that all along.

i'm just numb.

i feel like two or three different people.
parts of me love life, and are so happy and excited for the future.
parts of me hate life, hate me, want to say 'screw it' to recovery. hates the future- sees no end in sight to the suffering and struggles of the ED and depression and uses pain to get through it.
and parts of me are simply numb.


so do i care about the exam tomorrow?
yeah.
but am i freaking out?
no.
there are a few more things i still need to go over and write out a bunch of times. and i should have done that tonight.
but i didn't.
i did spend 5 hours studying with tess, casey and brandon today. and when i got home from micro i studied for a while, and had a 3 way call with casey and tess and we quizzed eachother for 40 minutes.
there are still a few more things i'm shakey on, that will probably be short answer questions.
but i cant' get myself to go over it tonight.
i guess there's tomorrow morning still. that's what i'm counting on.

but really.
i don't even care right now.

go away.

i want, so badly, to be home alone right now. but no. dad's home.
mom left. not sure where she went. i had fallen asleep in my room awhile ago on accident. when i woke up she was gone.
i don't know why it matters if dad is home or not. but i absolutely hate it when he is. i need to study biochem tonight, and whether he is here or not, that's what i'll be doing. so why does it matter that he's in the other room watching the hockey game?
it shouldn't matter.
except it does.
i get so tense when he's around.

i hold my breath everytime i pull into my driveway- praying that there will be no cars parked there. or at least- only my mom's car. i feel like swearing whenever dad's car is parked there.

completely unreasonable.

i was actually home for dinner tonight. i ate so fast, just so that i could go back upstairs.
i didn't want to be there when dad was also at the table.

this is stupid.

but i wish that he'd just go somewhere.
remember that he had some weird errand to do tonight or something. or go to bed early. anything.
just so that he wouldn't be here.

i just want to be alone.

i wish i could move out.

update

i got out of micro lab early tonight. it was just the review for our exam Wednesday.
and then i ran into KATIE in the hall!!!!!

SO excited!! I haven't seen her in SO long!

she had a class at 6, though, so i only got to talk with her for 10 minutes or so.
but it was good.
we might hang out Thursday night (by which the biochem exam will be OVER!)

micro lab shouldn't be too hard.... she said it's straight forward. only 15 questions. pretty much all identification. i just need to memorize the flow chart.

surprisingly, i'm not panicking about biochem.
maybe i should be?
i dont know.
he said this exam is the hardest--- but i still can't figure out why.
at least the chapters are somewhat connected to each other... for once.
and it's only 5 chapters. and not even complete chapters, because a lot go into so much detail he didn't want us to worry about it at that level...
we'll see.
i still have a lot of time.
-tonight, tomorrow afternoon, wednesday, early thursday morning (assuming my car doesn't break down on me again!)
studying with tess on wednesday.
wednesday is her birthday... i should make her something.


I'm so tired.

i did an experiment on my own.
i stopped my nighttime narcolepsy meds...
my doctor said that my brain might rewire itself... and i've been on them for over 2 years, so i was hoping maybe something would have happened by now....
i don't think so.
it's been a couple weeks, and i can definitely tell a difference.
so.. i'm taking them again, starting tonight.
hopefully i'll sleep better and feel more awake in a few days.
we'll see.

maybe i shouldn't be experimenting with my meds like this...
but i'm curious.
and i'm nervous for when i have to come off of them (years from now when i have kids)
i know it's dumb to worry about that NOW, when it's going to be waay in the future... but i still think about these things.
maybe by THEN my brain will have rewired itself or something...
maybe.


nathan might be done with his anatomy exam... i guess i should go over that way and find him.

time machine

I really wish that I could fast forward time. I'm ready to be done with school. I'm ready for summer 2010.

face and ribs!

i got to do the facial dissection today!!!


i didn't finish it, but i got all of the skin peeled away, so all that is left is cleaning it up to see the muscles.
i even got around the eyes really well!
it was difficult because the skin is really thin, plus he was an old man so he had a lot of wrinkles. i kept cutting through the skin on accident, because i had to stay as superficial as possible.
i cut most of the nose off, too.
that was weird.
dr bee wasnt' around, so i didn't completely cut it off... i wanted to ask her opinion before i did anything more.


at one point today, the TAs outnumbered the students...
and their exam is next week.

i'm forecasting a very low average (except for Nathan, Brandon and Monica. and probably Steve and Maureen... but those two aren't in the friday class)
these students are annoying.
i hope next semester is better.
i know a lot of TAs are thinking about quitting... it gets frustrating trying to help them when they aren't willing to put forth any effort.
i'm not quitting. not until i have to (graduation). i want to dissect.

rib cages next saturday!
woo!

internships

i had a shift in mindset yesterday. i'm back to eating better.

i had a shakey week. there were days where i didn't eat anywhere near the amount i was supposed to... and then other days my exchanges were all off, even if i got enough total.
i think everything just got to me. and the fact i went 4 days without working out again didn't help.
but i'm back in the swing of things.
and it's weird, i have a feeling that now, my body will start responding.
i dont know why now is any different, but it just feels like it is.

i feel ready to take on the world


i'm excited for my internship, too.
which is 2 years away....
but i'm still excited about it. especially if I get accepted at st Johns. Brandon was telling me about it yesterday- thats where he did his internship and is working now- and you get a stipand and benefits and everything.
i'm hoping that there won't be as many applicants for that one, because it's still 11 months with lectures. beaumont just changed theirs and eliminated the lectures and cut it down to 6 months. i think more people will be likely to apply to beaumont instead of st johns... so maybe i'll have a better shot.
being done in 6 months would be nice--- but really- i think lectures would help me. i want to be absorbed into that environment and all of that knowledge. i want to feel prepared when i go to take the boards. and beaumont doesn't give any money. and-- i hate beaumont- from a patient point of view- so i would be okay not working there.


it's 2 years off but i'm already dreaming

already ready for bed

i'm exhausted.

i need to study biochem tonight. but i'm not sure if that's going to be possible.

going to study tomorrow with brandon, so that should help.

we FINALLY got our biochem exams back. i managed an 86%
seems low for the amount of work i put into it.
but... i can be okay with a B, i guess.
my goal, afterall, was simply to pass.

we already have another exam on the 13th.
and he says this one is the hardest of them all.
hence brandon and i are already studying.


no big news on the heart thing.
he didn't have the results of the heart monitor thing yet. but the ultrasound and bloodwork was fine.
there's a betablocker he wants me to try.
he said i could try coming off provigil. he didn't seem to understand that wasn't really an option at this point.
besides- i've been on that for over 2 years, why would it only now mess with things?
i don't know if i'm going to take this new stuff...
if my heart rate is simply fast, but my heart is normal, otherwise, then it can't be dangerous.
i'm sick of medication.
i really don't want another.

i'll think about it.

i probably won't take it, though.