Trust

(i can't believe this ended up being so long!)


Couldn't sleep well last night, either. I ended up taking rozerem at 1am. Got to sleep around 2 or 2:30...


I kind of know why now. I completely broke down into tears last night. I went to bed, slightly sleepy, but not enough to fall asleep right away. As soon as the lights were out- my mind was spinning.
so when i stay up late reading, or watching medical shows on discovery health until all hours of the morning... until i'm so tired that i literally can't think anymore and the only possibility is to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow...
its my way of numbing out. of avoiding my thoughts.


I don't know why I worry about the things I worry about. It's just old fears... the memory of those darker times. And the fear that it will all come back again.



I used to be so sick. I could barely get out of bed. I couldn't go to my highschool anymore. I was stuck at home. My life was put on hold. I'd lay there in bed, crying, everyday. I was so scared. no, i was petrified. We didn't have a diagnosis yet. I didn't have an explaination. and without a cause to my illnesses, there was no treatment. there was no cure. there was nothing. all i could invision for myself was a life of sickness. a life not worth living. i couldn't see myself managing to ever go to college. and if i did, i never could imagine myself being able to have a career. my body wouldn't allow it. my body wouldn't even allow me to finish highschool on time. it wouldn't let me read for more than 10 minutes at a time.
i couldn't imagine ever having kids. there would be no way i could have the energy to take care of a baby, chase around a toddler, keep up with child. and i never wanted to only have one. i'd never do that- make them be an only child. that would be one of the worst thing i could ever do. but if i couldn't manage one- and if i did, it would be a miracle- then i surely couldn't manage two or more.

(and i never wanted to be like how my mom was to me- always sick... that had a bad effect on me too... but i don't want to go there right now)

I was terrified my life would amount to nothing. that i would know nothing but illness and darkness. and that the world would continue to go on without me, like it had been doing since I had gotten sick in the first place. i was terrified of a life stuck in bed. a life of physical and emotional pain. a life of such profound fatigue that i was completely useless.

what would i do with myself? there would be no way i'd live with my parents for the rest of their lives (and when they died... then what?). but how could i ever manage to work enough to pay rent for some place on my own?
all i saw was a future of nothingness.
i couldn't imagine myself beyond the age of 19 or 20.
i dont know if i figured I'd die by then? it's a weird thought, i guess. but i really never saw myself as getting older. i had these fears of the future, but part of me thought "don't worry, you'll never get to that point that you'll have to deal with that."


and it wasn't just the physical illness part.
it was my dark, black moods i had. maybe partly due to being sick, but not completely. i could almost always seperate the two different types of depressions. all i knew was darkness. pain. anxiety. all i knew was cutting, thoughts of suicide. nights of endless tears. going days without talking, without eating, without leaving my room. life had no meaning. all i knew was depression.



so i was diagnosed w. bipolar. finally found the right meds and lifted out of the depression... for the most part... at least i got stable.

and the week before I turned 20, i finally got the diagnosis i had been searching for since i was 14. i started treatment, i started feeling better.
now i kick ass at college. i'm 22- so i've made it past 20, like i never thought i would. i have a future career in sight. i'm enaged. i have hope for the future. i finally have hope.



but... i'm still terrified.


i'm terrified of all of that rushing back at me. of not being able to escape that hell i had been stuck in for 6 years.

i want to have kids. nathan and i want to have kids.

so... when i'm pregnant... i'm off ALL of my medications.

my illnesses.... they have no cures. only treatments. and each treatment is medication.

these treatments are the only reason why i've made it to where i am right now. without them..... i don't know.


so what will happen? without lamictal. will the bipolar go crazy? will i spiral down, back to that dark hole i was stuck in for so long? will the anxiety get intense again?
and what about the sleep disorders. will i stop getting stage 3 and 4 again? and the provigil... how could i manage without it? especially because the last time i went off of it a couple summers ago, i was suicidally depressed the whole time i was off of it. i seriously shut completely down that summer. i never want to go back there again.

will i become as sick as i was again? will i become exhausted to the point of being bedridden again? of needed to use wheelchairs when i was too sick to even walk?


i'm terrified.


i'm terrified of my past. it was so painful.
i never want to go back there.



and i dont know why i worry about this now. it'll be a long time before we become parents.
so why do panic about it now? it doesn't affect me right now...

but i'm still scared.



i'm scared of becoming my 17 year old self again.
i hated life at 17.



so i keep messing around with my medication.
i keep taking myself off things. cutting back dosages. stopping them all together.
just to see- what will happen if i go without this, or without that. or what about without either.

and life without lamictal, and life without pamelor... not good.
i always feel the effect.

my mood drops, my anxiety skyrockets. remember those panic attacks last month? yeah- i hadn't been taking lamictal for awhile.
not taking the pamelor... my body feels run down. like i'm getting the flu. my body aches all over, i get fatigued easily. i can't think. i feel the beginnings of what it was like before.

to come off both of them?
forget it- i was a mess.
i won't do that again.
(except i'm going to have to, to have children... on multiple occasions... )


i remember what Bree said yesterday while we were talking: "but that takes all the fun away. why not worry about what you cant control :-P "


God is in control, ultimately. If we're to have children, I have to believe God won't abandon me. Even if it's rough on me- Nathan will be there with me. He will be my strength, and my calm.

I need to learn to trust God.

But I get so nervous... about how the next couple of years will all work out.

I hate unknowns. I really do. I always have.

I realize everything up until the point has all happened for a reason. Even my illnesses... it's all worked out. Without them, I wouldn't have gone to the university I'm at. I wouldn't be in the year that I am. I wouldn't have had the same classes with Nathan. We never would have met.
When I got my diagnosis and started treatment-- it was the first day of my sophomore year of college. the year that classes started to get challenging. the year that i needed health more than anything. and God gave that to me, just in time.
God brought Nathan and I together at the most perfect point of our lives.
The bipolar, the cutting, the anorexia... it's all made me stronger. it's made me understand myself, it's made me understand life... it's made me appreciate life, and my education, and my health.
it's made me into who i am.
and it's allowed me to meet amazing people. and it's allowed me to reach out to other people... because i can completely understand them.

so i have to trust in God.
that He won't abandon me now. And he won't abandon me when we decide to have children.

and i realize there might be pain, and there might be sadness and struggles... but He'll be there. and it'll all be okay. and He'll lead us through it. He'll make it worth it.

Just like he made those 6 terrible years into something wonderful.



I just need to trust.