craziness

So I have officially began freaking out about the wedding.  Not getting married... just... everything involved.  I feel like everyone is hounding me about something or another, and everyone needs my time.  And I don't have time.  And I have to devote time to exercise or I will simply explode.  But then I feel guilty because that is time that could be spent doing something else.  But, if I don't workout then I'm going to freaking panic and be useless.

My sister and my nieces might be staying the weekend so that Ryann and mom and sew and me and dad can watch the girls.  Sounds fine, right?  WRONG.
I can't workout when the girls are here.  And it's been 45 degrees and rainy for a week and I doubt it will change by the weekend, so running is out (not that I can even run enough to consider it a decent workout yet).  And, I need to get into work.  Ryann was here sewing when I got back from Bethany's house (she did another hair-trial for the wedding).  I came home to change and grab a snack, then I needed to go to work for a few hours.  Mom and Ryann tried to guilt-trip me into staying to help them.  I said "I'm so sorry that I have a job and responsibilities".  IT'S NOT MY FAULT!  I have to work.  I have to get caught up.  I have to somehow, sometime train the new girl so she can take over.

Oh, did I mention?  I have a job interview for the microbiology department of the same hospital that I'm going to be interning at- this Monday.  The potential job will start sometime in June.  But I don't know when, yet.  So I have to train this girl so I can leave my current job to start at the hospital.  I'm so freaking excited about working there, but I'm so freaked out about the interview, and about the deadlines, and about losing most of Monday and not being able to exercise/ work/ help with sewing/ babysit the girls.

On these busy days, something has to give.  And I hate when it's the exercise.  I can't handle it.  It's the one thing I have to cling to right now.  It's the only time of day I have a clear mind because I'm focusing on what I'm doing, and the [good] pain associated with it, and I'm alone.  Plus it keeps me eating well.  I always sleep and eat better when I am able to exercise regularly.  I need it right now.



Oh, and have I mentioned that my grandpa is in the hospital right now in a drug-induced coma because of complications of a surgery he had a few days ago?  Yeah.  So I was up all night hearing the phone ring, my mom answer, and then trying to hear what she's saying and determine if it's good news or bad news, then falling back asleep only to be woken up by the phone again. 
I finally got to sleep around 3am.  I woke up at 7am and couldn't fall back asleep.  I then got up, ate breakfast, drank coffee, and worked out for almost 2 hours.  I know, I know.  I had too much pent-up nervous energy.  I called Nathan and mentioned it and he asked how I even managed to have a long, intense workout on so little sleep.  And I said, "I have no idea but it kind of worries me".

I feel so on edge right now.  I'm shaking.  And it's not anxiety, exactly, it's more like my mind is going a million miles and hour and I want to do a million things at once and now I'm freaked out that i'm getting manic.  Except... I don't know.
I guess that would be a good thing, eh?  Getting lots done on little sleep... what a perfect scenario 24 days before a wedding, right?  Except it's not a good thing.  If that's even what it is.  It probably isn't.

But if you could only see how fast I'm typing this and know how fast my mind is racing....

And I know it's illogical, but I want to workout again tonight so that I don't have to tomorrow.  But that doesn't make sense.  And I already did a lot today.  And it was intense (P90X!).  And my parents would get concerned if I started exercising again when I already did this morning.  And I'd be too tired/sore/injured tomorrow if I did.  But I can't sit still.
And I can't stop shaking.

I should help my mom sew.  But that takes patience.  and sitting still and carefulness.
None of which I'm currently capable of.

ok.  at 9pm, when it's "acceptable" (at least in my mind) to go to bed, I will take xananx and rozerem (and possibly benadryll if we have any) and conk myself out.
That seems to nip the manicness in the bud.  If I can force myself to actually sleep, somehow my body gets back to normal.

aa;sidkg'askdng;as idgahs'ignasd;lkgnasd;'gljasd gisandgknas;dijsad;knasdkclnmasdlk


I feel like I"m going insane.