i need a reason

i'm not doing alright today.
the doctor appointment i had today was the worst one of them all.
i dont have it in me to explain right now.

i am so utterly defeated i dont even know what to do with myself.

i still have the MRI on saturday and an appt w. dr V on the 21st.
if the MRI shows nothing, then i'm done. i quit. 
i can't handle this anymore.

i never ate dinner.  unless a pear counts for dinner. 
i was with nathan so i made myself eat something for him.


but i miss the anorexia.
the anorexia gave me a reason to feel sick.
it gave me a reason to not have kids (and to not have to admit that i'm not having them because I'm scared I can't handle it).
there was no mystery as to why i was tired, why i had headaches, why i couldn't focus, why my whole body ached.

i need a reason for why i'm still feeling all of that.

and i know how to create it.