this post is semi-inspired by now is now, but semi-inspired by the way i'm physically feeling right now.
I have this recurring thought. Everyday. "I have to exercise X amount of time." or "I have to do this and this and this"
But... what if I don't? I feel anxious. I feel like I wasted a day. Like I'll never get any smaller since I skipped a day (how's that black-and-white thinking for you?). What REALLY gets to me is if I skip 2 or 3 days in a row. Anything more than 3 and I get really crabby. I guess that's how my long-term frustration manifests itself.
Even if I worked out the day before, but it wasn't the "X amount" that I had planned it to be... then it's like it didn't happen and didn't even count. Like yesterday, I was too busy with the foot dissection that I couldn't workout as much as I had planned on, or as much as I usually do on Thursdays. So it's as if I didn't even workout yesterday. Which isn't true. I did. Just not "enough". So I figured I'd workout today and be okay. But I'm exhausted today. Even my bones feel tired. Well, they feel achy. I feel tired to the point of achiness everywhere. Even as deep as my bones. So... to push a workout... will I be able to function afterwards?
But I have to be able to function afterwards... my friend is coming over to study and work on our presentation. If I'm beyond exhausted when she gets here, what good will that do us? I won't be able to think straight or focus long enough to get anything accomplished.
So again, I find myself considering skipping another day of working out. And I"m freaking out because I have a busy weekend and I don't know how much exercise i'll be able to squeeze in.
But this is disordered thinking. Workouts don't need to dictate my life. I just typically let them do that. I know that for anyone else, I would tell them to let their bodies rest and repair and to not push it when you're not feeling up to it. Logically, I know this. But when I have disordered thinking like this, I'm not thinking logically.
As I wrote in a comment to now.is.now, I used to skip out on social activities because I had to go to the gym instead. It didn't matter how tired it was, it didn't matter if I was sick, it didn't matter if I had a million things to study for, it didn't matter if I was injured and in pain. It didn't matter. I forced myself to do it. Because I "had to".
Exercise has always been a big part of my eating disorder. And now that I have the eating normally pretty well down, I still have disordered thoughts about exercise.
Even right now as I type this, I'm thinking to myself "I can still lift some weights and do pilates. or i could double my narcolepsy med and maybe actually get a decent workout in before Jayme gets here"
And I suppose I could do these things. But shouldn't my energy (and time) be spent finishing my paper, studying for molecular diagnostics, vacuuming my room (which desperately needs it), getting a head start on research for our presentation, or reviewing parasitology so that I'm prepared on Monday. But no, I'm willing to put that time and energy into exercising instead and stressing myself out later because I'm short on time and too tired to think straight.
Exercise is too high on my priority list. Or... not even that. The amount of exercise is. I should be able to be happy with half of what I'd preferably like to do, just because at least it's something. If all i can spare is half the amount of time, then I should take it and accept it. But no, i beat myself up over it and kick myself for not getting up an hour earlier, or not drinking more coffee or not doubling my narcolepsy med.
I could be SO much more productive if exercise was lower on my priority list. But... I guess with the wedding in less than 4 months... I feel kinda like I have to do it.
I feel paralyzed by this. I'm so torn on what to do right now.
About Me
- Andi
- United States
- I'm a nerd and am about to graduate with a medical science degree and work in a hospital diagnostics lab, I'm in love and about to get married, I'm a recovering eating disordered person who is currently winning the battle. I am an aunt, I am a little sister, I am Catholic, I am driven. I am me.
2 comments:
Hey Andi!
It's great that you're just laying it out there - honestly - the truth about your relationship to exercise. After you realize how you are currently living, what value or fear is guiding you, where your priorities are... are you empowered to make any changes.
It'd be a great next step to 1) start counting the workouts as workouts no matter how long they are adn 2) to allow yourself to skip a workout when you're body says "please let me rest." Sometimes the fear is that if we let ourselves skip one work out, we might get used to skipping workouts, and then we'd just skip workouts always, and then we'd end up lazy and fat. (that's how my mind works any way with letting myself eat a little extra nor eat more casually or non-chalantly). Remember that skipping one workout DOES NOT mean that you'll end up never working out again. It doesn't mean that because you LIKE working out. So, when you're at the point when you can really trust your body to tell you how much to exercise, because you naturally like exercise, you'll still exercise. Does that make any sense?
That does make a lot of sense. It's hard to have what i know logically match up with my actions.
and the thing is- i started out as an exercise science major, and even after i switched my major to biomedical diagnostics, i learned how the body functions in so much detail in biochemistry and everything. I know how the body responds to starvation and how the muscles respond to exercise and all of that stuff at the cellular level... and yet, even with THAT knowledge, i can't apply it to myself.
more to follow in another entry. i finally feel like i'm at a point where i really need to write more honestly about important things like this and stop ignoring it.
i'd even be more honest about the amounts and stuff, but i really don't want to be triggering to anyone so i'm holding back.
Post a Comment