i haven't been able to make myself freak out about the biochem exam tomorrow morning.
i oddly feel prepared, but really- i haven't studied nearly the amount as the last exam.
he claims this exam is just as hard, if not harder, than the last one. but i can't figure out how that is... and that slightly worries me.
i think i'm just numb.
numb to life and to caring.
i'm burnt out and i don't care.
i think i'm tired of trying so damn hard.
trying so hard in recovery, only to not get anywhere.
trying to hard in school, only to realize there is no end in sight.
i'm not going to grad school, so why should i care about my grades.
i just need an internship.
so really, the pressure to 4.0 is all from me.
and it's unnecessary.
and i know that, and i've known that all along.
i'm just numb.
i feel like two or three different people.
parts of me love life, and are so happy and excited for the future.
parts of me hate life, hate me, want to say 'screw it' to recovery. hates the future- sees no end in sight to the suffering and struggles of the ED and depression and uses pain to get through it.
and parts of me are simply numb.
so do i care about the exam tomorrow?
yeah.
but am i freaking out?
no.
there are a few more things i still need to go over and write out a bunch of times. and i should have done that tonight.
but i didn't.
i did spend 5 hours studying with tess, casey and brandon today. and when i got home from micro i studied for a while, and had a 3 way call with casey and tess and we quizzed eachother for 40 minutes.
there are still a few more things i'm shakey on, that will probably be short answer questions.
but i cant' get myself to go over it tonight.
i guess there's tomorrow morning still. that's what i'm counting on.
but really.
i don't even care right now.
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2 comments:
try not to think about the "end in sight" really. (I know, it sounds so simple when I write it.) but you have some schooling ahead of you, given your goals. Try to stay focused in the present semester. That's what I'm trying to do. Each time I get freaked out about my comps exam and my PhD dissertation, I realize that I still have a couple of years to prepare. So for now, I will study latin declensions and conjugations and read as much as I possibly can. That's what I'll do NOW. Next semester. Well. I don't know yet. Except for the latin part. I'll still be doing latin. Because I LOVE IT.
and you aren't getting nowhere in recovery. sometimes it feels that way. recovery isn't always making these great strides forward. sometimes it's staying in the same place. sometimes there will be backwards movement. it's a bumpy ride.
and i'm burnt out, too. it's that time of year, the semester, the season. all of it. on my calendar I have a countdown until thanksgiving break and a countdown until the last day of class.
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