Look me in the eyes so I know you know

I guess I stepped away from the blog world for a bit.  Actually, from the world in general.  I don't get online much, and I haven't watched "real" TV in months. (meaning- we get netflix, so nathan and i occasionally watch movies or an episode of one of "our" shows). 

The internship is crazy.  I love it, but it's stressful.  I'm at the hospital for a minimum of 8.5 hours a day, plus I work every third weekend, and one to two afternoons a week (4-9), after the 8.5 hour internship.  I hate those days.  2-3 exams per week. 

I've been holding my own.  It's been hard and stressful, but I've been handling it well- until this week.  3 really hard tests, plus I barely got to see Nathan.  I spent my birthday afternoon alone, studying.  and crying.  I ended up calling Susan just so that I could talk to someone instead of cut.  stress brings out nasty memories and feelings.  I was studying Haemophilis and all of a sudden I got this dark feeling and missed my grandpa like crazy and just burst out into tears.  I still feel a little down, but today was definitely a better day.  I didn't have to work, and neither did Nathan.  So we actually got to see each other!  all day!  I cleaned, worked out, studied, went to Mass, and then Nathan made me dinner.  Then we spent the evening together.  I needed that.

He also introduced me to a song I never had heard before somehow.  It's my latest one on repeat.  It's basically "our" song, the more I listen to it.  Everything rings true.  The only thing is that I don't spend nights alone anymore- but he could have sang this to me the night before our wedding- and it would have been completely appropriate. 

(the lyrics have two diff colors because there are two people singing, and words like this are my own emphasis)  Check it out-- skillet: The Last Night )

You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine
But I know it's a lie.

[Chorus:]
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be.
The last night you'll spend alone,
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go,
I'm everything you need me to be.

Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you they don't know you at all
I'm so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine
But I know it's a lie.

[Chorus]

The last night away from me

[Bridge:]
The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your hand I will help you hold on
Tonight,
Tonight.

[Chorus]

I won't let you say goodbye,
I'll be your reason why.

The last night away from me,
Away from me

milestone

I wore shorts today.  and not workout shorts during a workout.  but real, blue jean, shorts.  and not just around the apartment by myself or with nathan, but to a family function.  and not just my parents, but my entire family with almost all 26 cousins and all 12 aunts and uncles. and out in public while doing errands on the way.
me, in shorts.
and i felt comfortable.

i may actually be making more progress than i thought.

I haven't done this since i was anorexic.

go back up.

Things have been going well.  I've enjoyed being a wife and keeping the apartment in order.  It's fun.  And it's been awesome it just being Nathan and I together, alone, all of the time (when he's not working, etc, obviously). 

Problem is- started noticing my moods shifting downward last night, and I woke up-- i didn't want to get out of bed.  I didn't want to do anything but curl into a ball.  I've been fighting the urge all day.  But I honestly feel like, if I were to let myself, I could easily break down into tears right now.  there is no reason for that!!!!  Life is freaking awesome right now!  


I got up, ate breakfast and watched Mythbusters, then went to my grandparent's house with the rest of the family.  Had a nice time.  Came home and ate lunch, tried to clean a bit, started prepping dinner.  I'm tired, but I'm going to try to force a workout, shower, do laundry, and by then Nathan should be home from work, I can finish dinner, eat, then we're going to Mass tonight.  trying to keep busy so that I can't think.

I dont know if it's a crash from so many happy emotions and chaos of the wedding/honeymoon/moving into the apartment, and now that things have settled, it's just hitting me.  i don't know if it's my grandpa. 
It's probably just the change.
I never handle change well.

i hope this doesn't last long.

i hate being bipolar.

wedding and a funeral

Well... I'm a married woman, now!  The honeymoon was great.  We got back on Saturday and now I'm doing the last of the moving into the apartment.

Sounds like I got the micro job-- just waiting for the official call.

My grandpa died 2 days after the wedding.

it's been a roller coaster.

!!!!!!

I'm getting married today!!!!!

shut up

A quick venting post.  Today is our huge annual family (and friend) party at my house.  We'll have anywhere from 70-90 people here today.  It's always a good time.

Except one of my aunts recently lost weight, and EVERYONE is mentioning how good she looks and commenting on it and congratulating her and blah blah blah blah blah.

And okay, not that I've lost weight for attention, or want praise for it, or do it for anyone except for me and my own sanity and my own control issues- but I've lost freaking 15-20 lbs (i have to estimate because I'm guessing what my highest was) since I reached my highest.  and not a single person (except for nathan occasionally when he hugs me) has said anything about it.  Is it not noticable?  Does that mean I need to lose more?  Does it look like I need to lose more?

It's so annoying.  Stop talking about aunt Laura.  Big f-ing deal.  She lost weight, great, now shut up.  I hate hearing about it.

I need to go before someone realizes i'm inside.

move out!

I LOVE OUR APARTMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I was moving in with him now instead of after the wedding!!!  I didn't want to drive home to my parents house last night.
I am so ready to move out.

I loved playing wife for a day!

productive? grandpa update

productive day.

got a bridesmaid dress for karen's wedding today.  so mom doesn't have to make mine.  the size made me happy.  two sizes smaller than i had guessed i would have been.  and the top is still a little bit too big but mom can help with that.

got everything for the centerpieces, and they are all assembled and in boxes so that the groomsmen can put them on the tables the day of the wedding.

packed the car with stuff from the wedding shower.

met with the DJ one last time w. nathan and finalized our songs.

saw grandpa today when mom and i were out running errands.

that was hard.  i didn't say anything to him.  mom and aunt ruth were talking to him.  he wasn't awake.  but i don't know if "sleeping" is correct, either.  i knew if i opened my mouth and said anything i'd lose all composure and start crying my eyes out.  and i didn't want to do that in front of them.  i don't know why.
the deacon came in and said some prayers over him and i had to stare at the wall and zone out so that i couldn't focus on the prayers.  i would have started sobbing. 
i was basically numb the whole time we were in there.  whenever i started tearing up i'd stare at the wall and force it to stop. 

his kidneys are starting to work again- his urine output is a lot better than yesterday.  his chest x-ray shows the pneumonia isn't any worse than it was yesterday- and we'll take that if it means he's not getting worse.

he might be so out of it and not waking up because his kidneys weren't filtering out the seditives they've been giving him.  so they're thinking that's why he isn't waking up yet.  i hope that's what it is.
they did a CT scan of his brain and he didn't have a stroke, so that's good news.



tomorrow we move Nathan into our apartment!  i'm moving in some of my stuff, but not all of it- obviously. 
but i'm SO excited to wash my dishes and silverware and glasses and pots and pans and put them all away in my cupboards!  And to wash the towels and the sheets and vacuum and do house-wife stuff!  It sounds silly... but it's so different than doing stuff at my parent's house.  It's soooo different when it's your own!
I have *my own* dishes!  That means I'm growing up!  (lets not forget i'm getting married in 16 days!).
crazy.

i need to get to bed.
i'm tired
and tomorrow will be busy.

someone, please just tell me.

I keep having these moments of uncontrollable crying.  Then moments of calmness.  Then moments of utter numbness. Back and forth and back and forth.

i want to be excited and happy because I'm getting married soon.  i have every day planned out until then- of what i need to do, and when, and by when.  and if i follow that, i won't be stressed out and everything will get done.

except... what if grandpa dies tomorrow or next week or the day before?  Will I be at the hospital for a day?  Will I be attending a wake, and a funeral?  I will I be an emotional disaster and unable to do anything productive?  I hadn't planned on any of this when I figured out my "game plan". 

I'd put it in my planner.  If only I could know.  If only someone could say, "why yes, next Monday, your grandpa will pass away".  Then i could say "okay, that sucks.  but now i know how to handle everything and adjust, and deal with it. and prepare myself."
If they could just say "don't worry, your grandpa will still be alive, but he'll be too sick to attend your wedding"  Then i could say "aww, grandpa will miss it.  this makes me sad.  but at least he's alive and i know this".  Or, if they could just say "don't worry, your grandpa is going to make a great recovery and astound us all and be able to see you get married".  then i would say "THANK YOU GOD FOR GIVING ME MY GRANDPA!!!"  And maybe I could stop crying. 

I NEED TO KNOW.  But no one can tell me.  No one knows. 
There is no way to know.

I still haven't gone to visit.  But maybe tomorrow.
He's been in a coma this whole time, so I guess I don't feel bad because he wouldn't have known had I been there.  They tried waking him up today but he's not really waking up.  But they think because his kidneys are failing, the medications they've had him on are taking longer to filter through and it's taking longer for him to come back around.  I guess he opened an eye today.  and started coughing a bit (his pneumonia is worsening...).  but the fact he can cough is a good sign.

he can pull through.
he's stubborn enough.

kidneys

Grandpa's kidneys are failing now.


chain reaction...

         chain reaction...
          
                      chain reaction...

Meh

i keep going over the interview in my mind and keep mentally kicking myself for saying certain things and not saying others. 
and I keep thinking of my grandpa.

i'm so tired and overwhelmed.  but i let P90X kick my ass today, anyway.  and went to work.

i want my bed.
but at the same time, i don't feel like going to bed.

i feel all over the place.

i almost broke down into tears when i was at work.

interview

Interview is over.  Went well, I think.  They seemed to like my lab experience, and how I completely re-did the way the auditing process works at my current job at the PT clinic. 
After the interview part of it I had to fill out some paperwork, and part of it was a little mini microbiology quiz.  Uhh... uh oh.  I haven't done anything micro in a year. 
So I was doing pretty well and there were only a few I kind of fudged the answers for.  And then I got to a question, "What are the steps of performing a gram stain?"
I sat there for at least 10 minutes trying to remember.  I know the steps, I couldn't think of the names of the stains.  I COMPLETELY blanked. 
She came in and asked how I was doing and I said, "this is going to sound silly, but I've done countless gram stains and taught students how to perform gram stains, and now I'm completely blanking on the names of the stains!"  She smiled and said "do you at least remember the colors?" i said yes, so she told me to just put that instead of the name.  I said, "you know I'm going to remember as soon as I get the car, right?"  She laughed and said "yeah, that's usually how it works".

Crystal Violet and Saphrinine. 
and you don't wash between iodine and acetone. 

/sigh/

Sounds like I have a good chance of getting a job, though.  They're interviewing 5 more people in the course of the following two days. I'm assuming some of my fellow interns.  I don't know for sure how many spots are open but I know they're getting desperate because they're losing at least 3 people in June.  I changed my availability from June 28th to June 14th so that I looked better.  We're getting back from our honeymooon the 12th.  and i'm stnading up in a wedding on Friday the 18th.  But I'll mention that if and when they offer me the job.  Well, they know about the honeymoon- but I forgot to mention the 18th.

The other good thing is that all of the interns that went to MSU never took a microbiology lab.  Labs aren't offered there.  So, not only have I taken a lab, I also TAd for a lab (even though I obviously can't remember how to do a gram stain.... UGH).  But that should put me ahead of them a bit, right?

I hope I get the job.

It was slightly unnerving getting the tour of the lab.  I mean... this is the real deal!  AHHHHHHHH.  I'M GROWING UP!
That's so crazy.

nightmare

i'm rapid cycling.

i was going nuts earlier this morning.  i couldn't stop moving, doing things, everything was entertaining.  i couldn't stop fidgiting.  i was completely crawling out of my skin.

and then i crashed.

and then i was numb and kept distracting myself and nathan was over and i wasn't letting myself think.

and then we went to Mass at 830pm, and i couldn't stop crying, because i no longer had a distraction and was praying for grandpa.

and now i just want to stare at the wall in completely numbness.

and i realize that crying over a sick grandpa isn't the definition of cycling- it's more that that amplified things.  I seriously was hypo-manic this morning, and i am in no way manic at all anymore.  I definitely noticed the crash in the afternoon.  and it's been like that for a few days.  off and on and off and on.  high low high low

i feel like i'm living in a nightmare.


(oh yeah- and i have a job interview in 10 hours... great.)

Finally.

**Possible Trigger???-- I mention weight-- but from a healthy stand point... so maybe not?**








I've lost Xlbs in the last week!!!!!

And I haven't been starving, and I haven't been over-exercising. 
I actually ate MORE than I normally do!

I finally tried to TRUST that people who said that eating in the upper end of your range can help you lose weight and end a weight-loss plateau!  They were right!!!!

I've been making sure I get plenty of protein, too.  It's been easier this time (compared to when I increased my protein during lent).  I'm not doing the high-protein-low-carb thing, because "there's no such thing as a 'bad' food", so I don't cut any one thing out..  But the extra calories I've added have been mostly protein, and I seriously think that's helping! 

FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY!

In other news, I'm still stressed out and grandpa is still sick. but hey- at least I got a happy surprise when I weighed myself this morning.

Worsening

Grandpa is septic now.
He's being pumped up with broad-spectrum antibiotics.


 Chain reaction....

               Chain reaction.....

paralysis

it took me 10 minutes to write an email.
a short email.

i just can't focus on anything.

i want to shut down.

i need to go write thank you cards.

but i want to shut down.
and i want to go to bed.


"Perfection leads to procrastination leads to paralysis"

chain reaction

my grandpa has been in a drug induced coma for a couple of days.  they were going to wake him up today.   but now he has pneumonia.  and he's too weak to cough, so if they wake him up, he'll try to cough, but he can't, so it won't work, and he'll get worse.  So they have him on IV- antibiotics (without knowing if it's viral or bacterial... STUPID DOCTORS!!!), and they plan on keeping him in the coma until Monday or Tuesday. 

Chain reaction...

        Chain reaction....

                           Chain reaction.....

                                          Chain reaction....
                           
                                                            Death.



sorry to be so morbid.
but this is how it was with grandma.

another title

I turned my day around a bit.  I got myself to help my mom and sister sew.  I finished bethany's dress for them, which i know was a huge relief to them.  It was a productive day and we all feel much better.

Late afternoon--- I didn't do too much.  I felt bad leaving for a few hours to go to work, so I didn't.  That probably wasn't the best.  But I've felt guilty not being home much.  So at least I finished bethany's dress.

Then I went to my brother's house to make a photobook (my SIL was hosting a shutterfly photobook making party and we all got a free photobook out of the deal.  That was fun.  Except it was mostly her side of the family, plus two of her friends.  So I felt like the odd one out.  Which I hate.  But I put together a book and it's cute, and I socialized.

I came home and everyone was already in bed.  So I watched the Craig Ferguson episode from last night on my laptop (he's my all time favorite late-night show. and the only one I watch, but he's on super late and usually watch it the next day).  He's hilarious.  I also took a xanax while driving home. 
Hopefully it helps me sleep tonight.
I feel like a drug addict.  Except I'm not.
But i feel weird relying on drugs to sleep.  i dont feel bad about rozerem, since that's more natural and non-habit forming... unlike xanax.  But i've been so anxious lately.

i need to get to bed. 
my goal is to get up by 7am every morning.  i want to become a morning person like i used to be.  so far it's not really working.  it's still a struggle to get up that early.  I might extend it to 8 tomorrow.  since i can't workout at home in the morning since ryann and the girls will be here.  which is annoying since it throws off my whole schedule.

i feel kind of bad putting a workout before family.
that's not a good thing. 
maybe.  i don't know.


my other sister is planning my bacholorette party.  i told everyone that i don't want to go out.  i really don't.  i don't enjoy going out.  and i don't like surprises.  i need to plan.  i need to know what i'll be doing at every moment of each day.  and i don't like going out.  so she emails us today and says "is everyone free on the 28th?  get babysitters- we're going out".  and she wouldn't tell me where we were going and what was involved. 
she called me this afternoon and said "okay, i'll run this by you because it involves dinner and food and I know how you are about that."  she wants to go to a japanese steakhouse (where they cook the dinner in front of us).  I've been to one before and it was okay.  It's not my first choice by any means of restaurtant food (since the only thing i typically trust while eating out is salads), but I okayed it.

I'm glad that she ran it by me.  Because now I can plan the day (food/exercise wise accordingly).  but the fact that she "knows how [i am] about about that is a little bit concerning. 
not really concerning, i guess.  just more annoying.

i guess i've become more strict with it.  i'm not restricting-- just-- more strict.  and workouts are becoming increasingly important (as i'm sure is becoming obvious with my constant mention of them).  anyway.  i need to go to bed.  because i need to wake up early.

i can't be lazy.
too much to do.
can't waste time.

apathetic

i don't feel like leaving my room.

i dont feel like being awake.

but it doesn't matter.  because i can't stay here all day and I can't sleep all day.

but damn it, i don't care.

my head feels messy.

sleep and panic

Knocked myself out last night.  Was asleep by 10:30.  Woke up at 7 again.  Not too shabby.  If only I could do that every night/morning and not require drugs to do so.
I like starting my workouts by 8am.  I feel like I waste less time that way.

I feel calmer today.  Except I just looked at my planner and had a mini panic attack.  I have 3 days in which something isn't scheduled.  Only 3.  Until the day of the wedding. 

THIS IS INSANE.