I met with Lisa today. I was weighed, but didn't ask to know. Especially since I've probably gained muscle since last time I saw her since I've been lifting weights and started practicing yoga regularly. But... knowing it's muscle doesn't change the fact I won't like it if the number has gone up. So I'd just rather not even know right now.
I've been doing pretty well with eating. I'm proud of myself. i've come a really long way.
sometimes, i still get jealous of all of the skinny girls i see, but have to remind myself that every one is different. every body is formed differently. and everyone has their own story. my body is the way it is because of the ED. that's the simple truth of the matter. i can't change that fact. i don't know why their bodies are the way they are. maybe they have issues of their own. or maybe they are like Ryann and it's natural. maybe they're just very healthy and active and haven't damaged their bodies with an ED, and so actually look athetic.
i hope i look athetic again one day.
in the mean time, i have to accept where i am at. i have to be thankful for the body that i have and treat it well so that it lasts a long time.
i have to respect it. and admire it for what it can do for me. It can get me into basic and crazy yoga poses. and each day it can go further into a pose. it can get stronger. it's flexible and can gain flexibility. it doesn't confine me to stillness; i can move and walk and soon- run and dance. With it's fingers, I can make music. with it's voice, i can sing, and i can talk, and i can make myself heard. it lets me help people. It provides me a brain with which i can learn and excell in school and in a future career.
through my body, i can love and be loved.
With my body, i can learn, i can feel, i can help, i can laugh, i can cry, i can grow, i can heal, i can praise God, i can connect with my mind, i can breathe, i can love, i can live.
all of these things do not depend on the size of my body.
but they do require health, nutrition and self-respect.
and that i can control.
About Me
- Andi
- United States
- I'm a nerd and am about to graduate with a medical science degree and work in a hospital diagnostics lab, I'm in love and about to get married, I'm a recovering eating disordered person who is currently winning the battle. I am an aunt, I am a little sister, I am Catholic, I am driven. I am me.
1 comment:
this is a beautiful post. i have to admit that i still struggle when i see really thin girls on campus. then i realize that a lot of them are still just that . . . girls. 17 or 18 or 19 year old girls who haven't finished puberty. I am over ten years older than they are and, even though i don't like it some times, am an adult woman.
keep the end of this post in mind when you're having tough days. all of the things that your body can do FOR you.
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