Oy.

philosophy is the worst class ever.

"how can we know that separate minds aside from ours exist?" "how do we know the external world exists?" "how do i know my body exists?"

um, because we aren't stupid!

the only interesting point was when he started talking about brains and dendrites and synapses. otherwise, i either wanted to fall asleep or laugh at him.

this is going to be a very painful 7 weeks.

why not devote time to important things?

i don't know. it's annoying. definitely not how my brain is wired because this seems like the most useless waste of a class.

but then again, how do i know that i am even in this class, or that this class even exists? maybe my school doesn't even exist and I'm still at home sleeping. maybe my home doesn't exist. maybe sleep doesn't exist. maybe it's all an illusion.

what bullshit.

(maybe bullshit doesn't exist, either (therefore, this class does not exist).)

low

Grades are posted.
4.0's in immunology, parasit/mycology/virology lecture and lab
3.9 in hematology lab
3.8 in hematology

a 3.8?????

disappointing.


maybe one day i wont be so hard on myself and will think that a 3.8 is good enough. but it isn't good enough.
it was a 3.9 overall for the semester, so my total gpa is still stuck at 3.9
i want it to go up.

stupid 3.8

reminder

The sleep tech had to wake me up at 6:30 this morning. His shift was over. He was able to take some of the electrodes off, and then he said i had to stay awake until the first nap scheduled at 8. then he left the room.

I got a little freaked out and started crying a little. It reminded me too much of Rogers.
being sound asleep, then someone opening the door and turning the lights on at 6:30 without warning, telling you its time to get up. whether you like it or not.

aside from me being annoyingly over sensitive, the rest of the time was fine. Just boring. I read twilight front to back, if thats any indication of how much time i had.

i actually fell asleep during today's naps. at least for sure during the first one (the other three, i dont remember falling asleep but the time went really quickly so i probably dozed off)- which is odd for me. i didn't sleep during the day in the one i had 3 years ago. so i'm interested to see what type of sleep i got during my naps. i had a [bad] dream during first one, so i guess i got to REM. wouldn't it be weird if i had normal narcolepsy now too? haha.

i have to wait until July 9th before i find out. that was the soonest i could get in again (because dr V is the best dr ever!)

post

i'm kind of concerned how tired i am without provigil... i couldn't take it this morning because of the sleep study tonight.

i have to leave in less than an hour and i need to pack breakfast and lunch for tomorrow. and something to do all day tomorrow that doesn't require too much effort since i'll be dealing with a caffiene headache..

these things are boring.

angry

I feel really really angry right now.

my neck still hurts and im angry. and i'm angry that my bumper is dented. and im angry at that punk ass kid who doesn't know how to stop his stupid car.

and im angry because if that pickup truck wasnt there in between us, then the boy's giant monster truck of a car would have gone on top of my little saturn and crushed it.

so im angry because i shouldnt have a headache right now and my car should be fine.

i think this is my residual freak out. because it was fucking scary there today. and i didnt let myself freak out then. and i couldnt at work and i couldnt when we were out at dinner.

so of course late at night, im angry, sore, and crying and upset over something that happened 12 hours ago. Great, Andi. Really great. i need to just grow up and go to bed.

red = stop

I was at a red light today, right in front of the highschool. and there a pick up truck behind me. and then all of a sudden i hear a crash and then her car hits my car. Because apparently stupid high school boys don't know that red lights mean you have to stop, especially when there are cars in front of you. They're all invincible and stuff, right? STUPID!

So the three of us pull off into the parking lot and teacher from the school saw this and they came over to help us out, and they call the police and the fire department so that the EMTs can check us out. they kept asking if me and the other girl wanted to go to the hospital because we both had headaches, but we both declined. i was shaken up more than anything.
it took about an hour for everything to be done and i went to work but i was still shaken up and my head still hurt. and by that time i only had an hour i could spend at work because i had to get to Nathan's, so that was annoying.

my car is okay (her truck wasn't, by any means). my bumper got a little smashed, but nothing major.
it was pretty scary.

it's my dad's birthday. so i called him and said "happy birthday, guess what just happened."
what every father wants to hear, right? :-P

oh well.

it was really nice to see melissa tonight, if only for a couple hours. :)
at least the day ended well.

Work or sleep?

I'm sick of my job at HQ. I was going to leave an hour ago but I'm still home. I can always find something more fun to do than going there. Even taking out the garbage and laundry. haha.

after work Nathan and I are going to meet up with Meli!!! She's in town for a conference. I haven't seen her in at least 4 years. Crazy.

So it should be a good night.

No homework or exams looming over my shoulder either. Always a plus.


I'm really tired again today.
I could easily take a nap right now.
I slept 9 hours and had 2 cups of coffee.

Explain that to me.

Done for now

i'm done.

i crammed for virology, but i've learned a system for studying for her exams.
i think i only got 2 wrong. awesome.

i start again on Monday.
philosphy (gag) 830-1150, then micro lab TA from 5-9.

12 1/2 hour days on campus Monday and Wednesday.
Gross.

paranoid

I need to go to bed. I'm tired and I could have been asleep hours ago.

But I'm so paranoid.

Ryann said I could stay at their apartment while mom and dad are in Florida, and i want to take her up on that, but it doesn't make sense during my last two finals since i wouldn't be able to study very well with the girls being there in such a small apartment. and then the next couple nights i have plans and will be out late-ish and i dont want to bother them or possibly wake the girls up or anything by coming in late. Friday they move into their new house (!!!) i might ask to stay there with them that night. Saturday night i'll be in the hospital so i'll be okay, maybe i'll stay there sunday and monday night. mom and dad will be home on Tuesday.

Reason im paranoid? my neighbor.

last week, around midnight i saw really bright flashlights in my backyard as i was watching tv waiting to get sleepy. i freaked out, turned off the tv and the lights and watched to see who was out there. It was a cop, with a dog, walking around my backyard, apparently looking for someone. he then went into the front yard, so i went up to my room to look out my bedroom window and get a better view. Two cop cars in my driveway and one in the street. I cracked my window open to try to hear them. all i could hear was "if you dont find anything in a half hour, lets clear out" two of the cops left, leaving the one with the dog to continue to circle the house, looking in the trees, the bushes, between our cars, in the barn, the shed, everywhere. I followed him around, going from window to window, upstairs and downstairs. he finally left, walking down our road (i live at the dead end of a dirt road), and he didn't come back.

i told my dad the next morning (who wasn't happy that i didnt wake him up that night) and he called the police to see what was up and all they told him was that it was a missing persons report. which seemed odd to us.
The next morning, mom and casey saw a cop car in our neighbors driveway while on their way to church. that night, or maybe it was Monday, i was in our living room on the computer. (our living room is in the front of the house and has a huge window). it was shortly after midnight and i saw the stupid flashlight again. the cop was on our front deck and he clearly saw me. he knocked on the door. i motioned i'd be there in a minute and ran upstairs to wake up my dad. Dad went down and talked to him and he said he wanted to warn us about our neighbor, mark (who is my age). Said he's "whacked" (cops words) and that he's been in and out of the hospital, but they can only keep him there for 24 hours at a time. the rest of the time he's been hiding out and they've tracked him to our yard. Cop said hes found him between our cars. probalby in our back woods, too, i'm assuming. he didn't go into too much detail. He just said that at the moment he was in a hospital but that he'd be released again soon. he said to make sure we lock our cars and the house all the time. that was all he said.

every night, around midnight, i make sure all of the lights are off and i listen for cars and watch for flashlights. usually im ok, but now that im home alone i'm a little freaked out.

Ryann said the other week, before any of this was going on, her and joseph took a walk in our woods and she found what looked to be a fire pit. she said there was a flower pot that was dug into the ground (she thought it looked like a makeshift toilet, but didnt want to dig to find out. ha). we haven't been in our woods in forever. we dont use flowerpots. we've never had a fire back there.
Ryann told dad, who thought she was too imaginative and dismissed it. ("now i know where Avery gets her imagination from")

Ryann told me that after i told her about the cops and Mark. Apparently only Ryann and I see the connection.

I'm not scared that Mark is going to hurt us in any way. I dont see why he would since we haven't even seen or spoken to him in years. but still, i'm afraid he's in our woods, i'm afraid he can see me when im here. once it gets dark i keep all of the lights out so he can't see in (assuming he's there).

the cops haven't been back, at least i haven't seen them. so i'm guessing this is a good sign. but still. where did he go?

Ryann said i could stay with them.. but like i said, it doesn't make sense until Friday night. Maybe thursday.

Jessica and i were planning on having her spend the night a couple times while mom and dad are gone. but i dont want to bring her here when im already paranoid about being here.

i know im crazy for worrying. but it's unnerving not knowing what's going on with him. he was a trouble maker as we were growing up. so i know what he's capable of as a boy... i can't imagine him as a 23 year old.

i dont like it.

viruses

i feel really pressured to get a 100% on my final tomorrow. since i've done that on two of her exams already (only counting this semester), and i'll be a TA for her and doing research with her all summer. I feel like anything less than at least a 95% (or at least the top score again) would be failure to her. which i know is illogical, but still. i feel like Dr R expects a lot out of me.... especially now.

viruses are just too complex for being so tiny.
and there are too many of them.
and.. i'm tired and don't really care about viruses.

But I'm going to get 100% tomorrow.
I have to.

Tired

i feel like ive been run over with a truck.

i know it's finals week so i'm stressed and that zaps energy... but i also think it was a mistake to switch my meds around this week. I didnt think of that earlier. im not sure if its the nightly rozerem or the decreased pamelor.

i'm so tired. body tired. achey tired.

immunology is over.
i just have virology left.

it shouldn't be too bad, as long as i can wake up enough to keep studying.
its only 9... I can't decide if i just go to bed and try waking up early tomorrow to study instead of trying to study more tonight.
the final is at noon..

maybe i'll shower tonight and pack up my stuff up for tomorrow so that i'll have more time in the morning to study.
i'll try to study a little bit more tonight after im done with that. then get up early.

i guess that makes the most sense.


immuno final was alright. i should have trusted him that the only short answers were going to be the pathophysiology of the diseases. i didn't trust him when he said that (because he's been so weird this semester) so i wasted a lot of time preparing for a lot of other things to be short answers when they weren't. Only good thing about that is that it made the multiple choice a lot easier.

one more to go.
just one more.

i can do this.

immunology

Immuno final at 330 today.

i'm sooo tired of this subject.

i know i need to bite the bullet and start hardcore studying.
it's not like i haven't looked over this stuff before... i have been all weekend, so i know i'm not cramming... but it always feels like it.

sleep

It's hard to wake up in the morning. I love rozerem, I'm finally falling asleep at night. It's beautiful. But because I've been so sleep deprived lately, by body doesn't want to wake up once it is finally sleeping.
My neurologist switched my meds around. Dr V and Dr H both think that the pamelor is causing my fast heart rate, so Dr V dropped me down to only 10mg at night (to hopefully get me to stage 3 and 4) and is having me taking rozerem every night (to actually fall asleep). I hadn't been taking it much because i was afraid it would stop working but he says that isn't possible with this stuff. So... awesome. I'm a fan of falling asleep at a decent time.

I'm also a fan of this semester being over. Too bad it isn't, yet.

Hematology final yesterday? Blech. It's over, that's all I can say.

Immuno and virology left next week. It'll be a fun weekend...

Sleep study

I saw my neurologist today. He's the best doctor ever.
Because I am still sleepy when I wake up, he wonders if I'm still not getting stage 4. Since it's been 3 years since my other two sleep studies, I'm getting another done May 2nd to find out if there has been any change with the 3 years of treatment. I'm hoping there has been a change... then i'll have hope for when I'm pregnant and cant' take anything.

Sleep studies are okay, but I'm going to have a major caffeine headache on the 3rd because I have to stay there until mid afternoon so they can do my narcolepsy test again. Oy. But I'm excited and curious to know the results.

I finished my paper this morning and read through for the first time in the waiting room. It's horrible! The article I did it on was confusing, so it took me a long time to figure out what the researches even did. Ugh. It's due tomorrow.
I also have my hematology final tomorrow morning at 9.

Tonight Nathan and I are going to see Fr Ben to do initial marriage things. (ahh!! we're getting married!!!!! :D )


I am super stressed out

i didn't know when finals were when i schedule both of those things for today. I would have not done that had i known...

neurons

Avery tends to ask tons of questions and soaks up knowledge like crazy. So whenever she asks a question we typically send her to someone in the family that would best be able to explain things.

So I'm up in my room studying and I hear this little knock on the door, "aunt andi?"
I opened the door for her and she says "i have a question... what are neurons?"
and i know she must have seen my background on the computer which is neurons (the same one in my current facebook picture) and asked someone what that was and was sent up to my room to ask aunt andi.

I tried to figure how to explain it, because i know i don't have to dumb things down too much with her, but still, i have to because she is only 5. I told her that they start in her brain and go all the way to her fingertips and toes, and that they send messages from the brain.
She looked puzzled, so I said, "okay, say you want to move your finger. So your brain says 'move my finger' and the neuron will tell your finger to move and then POOF! it moves!"
"ooh, that's neat!"
then i said, "and, when I tickle your belly (which i started to do) then neurons tell your brain that aunt andi is tickling your belly and you feel the tickle!"
"ooooh, so it's like my brain is talking!"
"exactly!"
"is there only one neuron in my brain? or are there more than one?"
"there are billions and billions!"
"whoa! so that's why there is more than one in the picture then?"
"yup!"
"cool"


awesome. Avery thinks neurons are cool. and she understood that her brain is talking.
I have high hopes for her!

Jobs!

Today has been great.

I got to my LAST lecture and we got our mycology lab finals back, and I got one wrong, but I'm assuming she threw that question out because I got 100% on it. So... awesome! Anyway, I was going to go the gym directly after our LAST lecture, but I started talking to Karen in the hallway and we ended up sitting on the floor talking for over 2 hours, which was fun. So then Dr R (who teaches pretty much half of my classes) walks down the hallway and I asked her if she still needed a TA for the microbiology lab this summer (i had asked her this a while back and she said to talk to her about it later). She said yes, and then paused and said "I also need an assistant for research this summer, would you be interested in that?" I asked what was involved in it, and it sounded fun. And she said it'll be about 10 hrs a week and she's still waiting on the grant to go through, but she's pretty sure it will so I'll get paid for doing this. She also said if I needed credit, I could TA for credit. i told her that i have plenty of credits and just wanted to volunteer. then she told me that she's pushing for it to be paid because the one class is pretty large and Dr O really needs help with it, plus there are two seperate classes and they're twice a week. And she's pretty sure she can work something out to get money to pay me for doing it.

So... AWESOME!!!

It's SO nice to finally be recognized for my hard work. Out of all of my classmates, she asked me to help her with research!?

And this is perfect, because it means I won't have to quit at HQ (which i would have felt pressured to do if I worked at the hospital lab), so I'll still have HQ in the fall (unless Dr R wants me to continue research with her in fall-which in that case, screw HQ, I'm working on research in a micro lab!). Plus it's fricking amazing experience, will be really good for my resume and interviews this summer, plus she'd be able to write me a letter of recommendation after knowing my work ethic and how I work in a lab setting, not just as a professor-student point of view, which will also be awesome.

Dr R said to get ahold of her after finals because by then she'll know more about the grant and the possiblity of getting paid to TA and stuff. So nothing is final, and last minute the grant might not go through or something, but it sounds really promising and i'm really excited about it.

It's the perfect situation. Because I actually hate the hospital that I would have gotten a job with (beaumont is horrible!) and I know that if i had to do my internship there and not St Johns that I'd cry my eyes out and hate the whole thing. So if i can avoid beaumont... then GREAT!

denied.

I want to cut really badly today. but it's getting warmer, and i can't keep hiding in hoodies and long pants. and the dress im wearing tomorrow is knee lenght and doesn't have sleeves. so my arms and calves are out, which feel the best and are my two favorite places.

i hate caring.

i should eat lunch. but everyone is here (about to eat lunch) and i'm anxious and I don't want to eat in front of everyone.

Blech. I want to go back to bed.

zzz

drug induced sleep tonight. it's been awhile. but i gave in.

eyes

i'm having a really really really really bad body image moment. i'm trying really hard not to freak out. i dont know how to handle this because i feel like nothing is ever going to change.

so i'm going to talk about dissections, because that's what i do.

i tried to dissect a face today, but the one face was really dried out because our school is cheap and we didn't have a body bag for that one. so i went to dissect the male's face (which we had a body bag for), but one of the students working on that body was really weirded out by that and asked me not to. after she left, dr Forbes and i got sidetracked with the eye muscles, so we started trying to find those. then i wanted to cut the eye out, which i've never done before. it was weird. really weird. it took awhile because i was afraid it was going to burst, even though everyone kept telling me that's not possible. Dr forbes pushed on it and said "you could run it over with your car and it wouldn't burst" ok ok, so i cut out around it and cut the optic nerve to free it, which was tricky because i couldn't see what i was doing and if i was down far enough, but i was, so i got it out. and it was cool. i wanted to do more, and i want to do a cross section, possibly, just to see. but the next class was about to start so we had to put everything away.

dr forbes is cool. he loves dissecting, too, and encourages me to dissect whatever i want. he laughs and said, "andi, me and you have the same sickness" i'm going to miss him.

eight

oh, disregard my last post- when i said I'll have 6 classes this fall.
i had forgotten to count one, and then i realized today that i didn't register for molecular genetics, so i now have 8 classes this fall. and somehow that's only 15 credits.

crazy.

(and don't blame me for the amount of classes, this is how the program is set up, this is not by my choice)

new job?

One of my professors told us that one of the local hospitals is hiring microbiology assistants. All they do is streak the agar plates, do gram stains, and set up the biochemical tests. So... I just called the lady and left a message saying I was interested in applying. And I'm so nervous!!!

I want to go into work this morning, but I'm afraid she'll call while I'm at work, and it will be awkward talking to her while I'm there, but I'm going to want to pick up right away. Maybe I could rush to get outside.

And if I get the job, then there's the dilemma of what to do with my current job next fall. During the summer, I could probably do both. I'm not sure how many hours the hospital would want me to work. They're flexible with school schedules, but I'm not sure how many hours I could handle with a full load of classes. I'll have 6 classes in the fall (3 lectures, 3 labs). If I work in micro, then I wouldn't be able to handle my current job on top of that. But, my current job is so flexible since I make my own hours, have a key, and most of the time go in on the weekends when they're closed when i have 3 or 4 hours to spare. the Health Quest job is perfect, even though i'm completely sick of it. So i don't want to let that go. But maybe i could just work in micro for the summer, then just stick with my current job for the fall... Or I could quit at health quest, and try to work in the micro lab during the fall semester... I DON'T KNOW!!!

I know I don't have to worry about this, since I haven't even talked to the lady yet... but I'm just nervous about the whole thing. I've never had a "real" interview or a "real" job. I mean... I had an interview for health quest, but Robb is so laid back, it wasn't too bad (although it was at 6am!). I feel like HQ is kind of a joke job sometimes... even though I know it isn't. but working in a hospital!?!!?!? That's major.

So i'm really excited about the possibility of working there, but also completely freaked out.

MASH

one more quick thought, then im off to study.

There was a MASH marathon on Saturday, and I watched it for a long time as I 'studied' and was in all my glory. But I couldn't help but notice that most of the commercials were geared towards old people (dentures, depends, medicare).
So.. is that who they think will be most likely to be watching MASH? Old people? I know quite a few people my age who watch it...

i found it funny though

oh! one of the episodes was when Radar left the show. it was SO sad! :( i think my mom was crying. i felt close to it but i didn't...

hi, my name is andi, i'm 22 and i'm addicted to MASH.
:)

labs

I'm completely unmotivated at the moment. I have my mycology lab final today at 2:30, and I have a class at 1. It's already after 10 and I haven't started studying today yet. I know I need to. This is worth almost half of my grade. But... I just don't really enjoy mycology very much. I miss bacteria and stuff. even parasites weren't bad compared to this stuff.

I guess it won't be bad. I just have to memorize which ones are hyaline and which ones are dematiaceous and which one belongs to what group. I know about the dyes and the slide preps and I know about the flu testing procedure we did on the last day of lab. So all of that I'm okay with for the most part. I'm nervous about the identification though. at least it's multiple choice. and i don't think she'll have two species of aspergillus as a choice, so if i can at least figure out that it is some species of aspergillus then I should be fine.

I don't know. I'm just happy that I'll be done with this lab today and i will be done with hematology lab tomorrow- and that final shouldn't be too hard, but it is accumulative. /shrug/

i think i'm too drained to care at this point.

stupid system

i'm so frustrated with scholarship eligibility.

no one seems to care if you have good grades. no one cares that i have a 3.9gpa. noo big deal.
i'm not foreign, i'm not going into accounting, education, engineering or nursing. so apparently, I don't exist.

too bad i'm an american citizen.

annoying.

porphyria

i was watching house tonight (finding judas) and the diagnosis was erythropoietic protoporphyria. which i totally know about thanks to hematology! (she didnt ask about that on the exam though... weird)

i love learning. :)



oh! and apparently the pancreaus in our male cadaver is missing. either one of the TAs accidently cut it out thinking it wasn't an organ or he had it removed? i figure we should tell the students he had it removed so that we don't look bad. haha.
I'm not sure who was working on the male that would have done that. Natalie has been doing this longer than i have, so i know it wasn't her. weird.

more dissections

our 90 year old female cadaver still has her uterus. This is the first time since I've TA'd for anatomy lab that I've seen one still in the body. It's crazy awesome. She also had an artifical valve put in so she has stitches in her heart and the valve feels weird. Nathan cut into a chamber and dug out this blood chunck that is so hard we can't cut through it w. the scaples. It's so strange. It's like a rock of blood. Her left kidney looked like a sheep, according to Emily, so we named it Radar (after one of my old sheep). Other than that, both bodies were pretty normal this semester. I didn't get a good look at either of them because I was busy on the ribcages (yay!), but I don't remember anyone else saying anything was strange.

I ran into one of the students at the rec today. I asked how she did on the exam last week (98%!). She asked about becomming a TA. I said I'd put in a good word for her, and that we'll need new ones since me and a few others aren't doing it anymore, and not everyone is doing it over the summer. She was pretty excited. I like her. I'm glad that we finally have a bunch of students who are excited about anatomy like everyone should be.



some of my dissections are going to be in dr B's new anatomy book i helped with! pretty excited about that.

surprise!

Aw!!

So Nathan and I were going to meet his sister, Bethany, for dinner tonight. we got there, and his whole family, my parents, ryann, joseph and the girls, and a few of our friends were all there for a surprise engagement party! It was so much fun! Bethany is really thoughtful. :o)

The girls are going to be over early tomorrow morning while ryann and joseph are at the house inspection. that should be fun. :) but i should probably get to bed soon...

Moving on

holy.cow.

hematology exam this morning was sooo hard, but aside from a few stupid questions, I think I did really well!! Dr williams told Jayme and I that we were probably overstudying, but I didn't feel that way at all. this was one of the most challenging, but the most rewarding exams Ive taken. This isn't something I"m going to forget in a week. This stuff is trapped in my head. I was trying to explain some of the questions to mom and then i realized she was only listening to be polite, and that everything i was saying was way over her head, and that was after i had been trying to simplify...

This morning Jayme and I were studying in the computer lab before the exam (we were the only two in there) and my parasit/mycology prof came in and said to us "the two top students shouldn't be studying together.. you guys should spread the knowledge around" then she looked at me and said "you should study with some of your friends in mycology" i said "why, what did i get on the exam yesterday?" she said "oh, i dont know, 100% or something like that"

eeeeeeeee!

have i mentioned i'm going to TA the microbiology lab with that professor over the summer? I volunteered- because I like micro, it'll be a good refresher, i wont' be TAing anatomy lab anymore (THANK GOODNESS!!) and for a side bonus- it'll look good for my internship inteviews in july. So that's good. I'm glad I'm proving myself to her. I told her I was worried about the mycology lab practical exam because everything that i'm supposed to see isn't what i'm seeing. so she said if i had problems monday to make sure i ask her to make sure im seeing the right things.


Oy. I started studying the next section of hematology- which is white blood cell disorders/cancers. Gross! I miss my red blood cells!!! it doesn't helped that i was completely zoned on one of the WBC lectures because it was the morning after the immunology exam and i was so stressed about hematologly and mycology that i couldnt' focus, then tuesday, i went to work that morning instead of lecture. so i got the notes from Jayme today during anatomy lab (luckily they had an exam there so we didnt have to do anything). So yeah, studying the new stuff was so foreign to me. But we have until april 23rd for our exam on this stuff, so i think i'll be fine by then.


my head is mush!

but! i get to dissect tomorrow! I get to dissect 2 sets of ribcages! those are my favorites. :)

and... i get to workout tomorrow... for the first time in NINE DAYS. (FREAKING OUT!)

eeeeee!

RYANN AND JOSEPH PUT AN OFFER IN ON A HOUSE ONLY 4 MILES AWAY FROM US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

are you freaking kidding me?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!

called

after talking to tess, and then with Nathan, i decided to call Ronee and tell her that i was not okay to speak at the thing today. i apologized like crazy becuase i felt like a jerk doing it, but like Tess said- it was kind of a jerk thing to do to spring that on me without asking first. I tried to be okay with it. Ive tried to relax about it and calm down and just bite the bullet and do it, but its not working.
ronee was like "not even one little part?" and "haven't you had to give a presention before for a class or anything?" she didn't make it easy. I felt really bad. I still do, but Tess kept saying "yeah, but if that's what you have to do to make you okay and to not affect your classes, then it's what you have to do".
i have to see Ronee tomorrow afternoon.

i want to crawl into a hole.

im going to relax for a little bit, calm down, maybe study. then go to work.
i've just been granted 5 more hours of Sunday.

i hope she forgives me.
i'm still new to this whole standing up for myself thing.
it's not that easy..

crash

i'm to the point where getting in a car accident today sounds like an amazing thing... just so that I can't make it to the ceremony today.

mom and nathan weren't too keen on that plan.
but that's what i came up with when i was brainstorming...

bombarded

Avery's birthday party was fun. Brandon and Jenny were there, too. I played with Natalie a lot before dinner. She's so fricking cute I can barely stand it.

After presents and birthday stuff i went to Avery's closet to study so that I could have some quietness. (it's a spacious closet and has a light, and it's the only other option i had since it's a small temporary apt.)
I got a little bit done for mycology, but hardly enough.

I had gone over a little bit of hematology in the morning, but hardly enough of that either.

Im going to try getting to the 7am Mass tomorrow so that i can get to work early and hopefully study a little bit before the dreaded induction ceremony. mom suggested taking ativan before hand. i have to get there an hour before it starts, so if i take it as soon as i get to campus i wont have to drive while on it. Nathan said i should do the same thing when he called tonight- without knowing mom said that. So... okay. I will. Hopefully I can find it. I think I have a couple left.

I've been freaking out. i just feel bombarded with so many things all at once. so i just shut down. but i don't have time to shut down.
lack of time, lack of exercise, lack of studying, lack of space in my brain for all of this information. The stress of these exams that cover a lot of stuff. The fact I never was asked to do this thing tomorrow, simply told, after the programs were already printed. It pisses me off. The fact that Avery's party was today and that the thing is tomorrow and that it's bad timing. and i'm freaking out because i haven't exercised for a few days and I don't know when I"ll get the chance to... probably not until Friday. and that's not okay with me. but i dont have much choice because these exams are big and i can't blow it just because i had to workout.
when did my priorities change? eh, probably once my classes got harder? it's harder to study while working out now that things are more detailed. i can't multitask as well... and something has to give.

rozerem is kicking in. Good.
I'm in desperate need of sleep and 6am is going to come very quickly.
I can't wait for this weekend, and this week to be over with.
I wish i could bail on Ronee, or yell at her, or something (angry emails don't count). but i can't do that to her.
i wish i could. i wish i was that type of person. i wish we weren't friends (that sounds wrong... just.. if we weren't friends i wouldn't feel as bad backing out last minute)

whatever. i quit as secretary once this is over. it'll look good at my interviews this summer and i'll get the honor cords when i graduate. Good enough for me.
and im never doing this again.

whoa

I can't believe Avery turned 5 today.

...

i'm shutting down.

i'm trying to fight it, but it's not working.

i'm simply shutting down.

pissed

I'm really mad at Ronee.
I am beyond dreading tomorrow.

If only we weren't friends.... if only I didn't see her all the time or sit across the bench from her in lab two days every week. I could just not show up. I could be like Mike (our VP) and not return emails or phone calls, and not show up to anything. But i see her. I could say I"m sick (I asked ryann and avery to breathe on me yesterday in the hopes i'll get sick and/or have laryngitis or something), but we have class together Monday, so it would be hard to say i'm sick and show up the next day feeling fine. I'd have to be sick for real and so far I'm not coughing yet.

I was never asked, I was never given any say in this whatsoever. I emailed her and asked if ANYONE else could fill in for me and she said my name was already printed in the programs.
i never told her to print my name. she printed the programs before i was even told i was doing this. TOLD. not ASKED.

this is such BS.

i've been freaking out and crying and shaking and feeling sick to my stomach.

i can't even focus on studying because i'm freaking out.

i emailed Mike in a last ditch attempt to get ahold of him so that he'd fill in for me. i know he probably won't respond, but it's worth a try i guess.

i hate this.
is this what i get for having a 3.9?
well shit, i should have failed a few classes then.
then i wouldn't be in this situation.

I don't like people

Immunology exam was weird again. I don't understand this professor anymore. I think I did fine overall, but I'm just pissed over some of his multiple choice questions. He had a few questions on rheumatoid arthritis which we're going to learn about NEXT WEEK. So what's all that about? I think he gets immunology and pathology mixed up when he's writing his exams because they're always so screwy.

I have hematology and mycology next week. And I'm trying so hard not to freak out. It's so much material for both classes.. the hematology exam will cover more than an inch thick of paper full of details about every single red blood cell disorder. for multiple-multiple choice and short answer. There is no half knowing anything, no bsing. I have to know it all.
Mycology- so far we have 40 species of fungus to know details about (what it looks like under a microscope from a patient specimen, what the colony would look like at 25 and 37 degree (C) and what it would look like under the microscope if you made a slide from the culture plate.... which looks different than it would from a patient...)

And we have one more lecture on Monday, so we'll probably get another 10 or so more to learn about by Wednesday.


Saturday is Avery's 5th birthday and she's having a birthday party. So there goes most of Saturday.
Sunday, I found out two days ago, is the induction ceremony for the honor society, and since i'm the secretary, I have to SPEAK.
Ok, I don't do public speaking. I don't do microphones. Microscopes, yes. Microphones, no. Not only is 5 hours of my Sunday tied up, I'm getting sick to my stomach whenever I THINK about having to talk in front of all those people. I kept giving Ronee death stares in mycology lab on Wednesday when she told me that. I'm so pissed off.

There goes my weekend. When do I get to go to work? I will for a little bit today, but I can't get charts done on Friday because Friday is the busiest day and I can't get many of the charts because they're being used. I try to avoid working MWF. I usually prefer weekends when they're closed, but I don't know how that's going to happen now.
I'M SO MAD ABOUT THE INDUCTION CEREMONY.
I told Ronee I wasn't happy about speaking and really really really wasn't okay with it. She just laughed it off like i was kidding. But i am NOT kidding. I don't do people. Why do you think i want to work in a LAB? I don't have to talk to cadavers. I dont have to talk to bacteria or blood samples. I don't have to see or talk or touch the patients. I run tests, make the decision, give out the reports, and am never seen. End of story.

I don't like people.

At all.

Fight Inside- Red

My new favorite song. It's perfect.

Enemy, familiar friend
My beginning and my end.
Knowing truth, whispering lies
And it hurts again.

What I fear and what I've tried,
Words I say and what I hide.
All the pain, I want it to end
But I want it again.

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins.
And it's raging
The fight inside is breaking me again.

I'm still the same, pursuing pain.
Is it worth all that I've gained?
We both know how this will end,
But I'd do it again.

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins.
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again.

And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under.
And without You
The fight inside is breaking me again.

one thing after another.

Blech. Exams suck. I have immuno on wednesday. I spent 3.5 hrs in the library after my classes today studying before I got burnt out.

Casey called me today, and I was glad I was in the library so that I had an excuse not to talk to her. She said "hey i'll be in town for the baby shower in April, and if you need help with wedding stuff i can help you. If you want to try on dresses or something."
i said her baby shower is the week before finals and i doubt i'll be able to have much time for much else. she said 'oh, okay'
but seriously- Ryann is here. ryann LIVES here. ryann is my maid of honor. i want Ryann do to that type of thing with me. i felt this protective anger over ryann when casey asked me that. i wanted to say, "no, ryann is my favorite, stay out of it".

but that's mean to think, and i like Casey too, so i don't know why i'd feel that way.

it'll be nice when i actually have time to spend with Ry. She's been here awhile but ive been so bogged down with school, i still haven't made it to their apartment. i couldn't even babysit the girls on saturday when they went to look at houses-- mom and dad had to instead.

(how do i not get sick of songs even though i listen to them 100 times in a row?)

after this semster i'll have more time to spend with her. which i need. i miss her. it's weird to have her living 30 minutes away and still not be seeing her all of the time.

i hate school right now.

i can't wait for this semester to end.
a lot of things will get better once it's over.

(except summer means internship interviews.... shit.)

Bones

I got my bone density results from Rogers today. They gave me two sets- one as my ethinicity being "pediatric" (?) and one as being "white"

Pediatric:
Hip: -1.2 --> osteopenic
Lumbar spine: -1.4 --> osteopenic
(L1: -1.0
L2: -1.7
L3: -0.5
L4: -1.9)

White:
Hip: -0.6 --> normal
Lumbar spine: -1.5 --> osteopenic
(L1: -0.9
L2: -1.7
L3: -0.8
L4: -2.3 (oh shit!))

-2.5 to -1.0 is considered osteopenia.

I don't why they ran the numbers two different ways. And I don't know why they only did those two areas... when Ive never had a problem with either of them. I want to know how my FEMURS are so that I can know when my FEMURS are strong enough to run. I dont' care about my back or my left hip.
I only care about L4 because according to the "white" report I'm only 0.2 away from osteoporosis.

Basically, I don't understand any of this.

weak

I went swimminng last night. I tried using a kick board for the first time ever. whoa! when i swam in highschool swim class, my knees were messed up, so all i could do was freestyle and backstroke. and all i did was pull with my arms. i barely kick. So i decided to use a kickboard, thinking it would be easy. boy was i wrong. There's a difference when you actually kick. ha. concept. my legs were screaming at me. i loved it.

I didn't go to hematology or hemato lab this morning. :(
i woke up with my stomach on fire. it hurt so much and i couldn't get into any position that would make it feel better. i made it to my car with my keys in the ignition when i decided i was going back inside to curl up on the couch and study. What we were going to cover during lecture today (G6PD deficiency and PK deficiency) we covered in biochem last semester, so it's not completely new to me. I figured today, out of any other day, would be the one to miss.

I was already not going to anatomy lab tonight (bummer. ha) because i have to work with stacy on Dr B's book. My stomach feels better now. I just ate some lunch and it feels fine. I have NO idea what was up with it earlier.

Since I can't run, I've decided I'm going to change my focus. I'm going to work on doing a lot of variety and really strengthening my legs and core, so that when i CAN run, i'll be strong and ready to go. My femur pain is managable with motrin, so I can still get through workouts. i need to work on my arms too. they used to be a lot stronger than they are now.
swimming last night was pretty pathetic.

oh. and V8.
why didn't anyone ever mention v8? I'll drink that.
1 8oz serving:
50 calories, 490mg potassium, and i forget the sodium.
no sugar, no artifical sweetners.
are you kidding?
that's a million times better than gatorade or pedialyte.

I can do v8.

(surprise, surprise, no change in the cramping)
(because the electrolyte thing is BS)

Stacy will be here soon.
I should go get stuff together.

blessings

God really does provide when the time is right.

effort

i have therapy again tomorrow.
normally i go every 2 or 3 weeks, but this time it's the next week.

i shouldn't have agreed to that.

not only will it be another day of not working out (3 in a row if i don't do it tonight. blech), i'm just so emotionally tired and drained right now.


i got my workbooks from rogers out last night and started working on part 2 since i left there before i ever got a chance to do it.
it's interesting, i guess. i hadn't really done CBT stuff prior to going there.

thinking shouldn't take so much effort, though.

fragile

okay, what on earth?

Friday, my thigh didn't hurt that bad- I didn't even mention it to my doctor because I figured whatever was up with my thigh was getting better.
This weekend, it started hurting more, and today, it hurts even more. I'm on maximum about of motrin.. and i'm still limping.

and since you can't get shin splits in your thigh, it's not difficult to distinguish stress fractures and shin splints, and when it feels just like it did last summer, just in a different femur...

DAMN IT.


i didn't even do anything. i did the free climber on Saturday. maybe that's higher impact than i thought? i ran last wednesday, but not since then.
i didnt even workout yesterday.
and i probably won't tonight because i'm tired and my leg still hurts.

I'm sick of this.

Stuck

I'm emotionally exhausted right now.

Susan and Lisa both agree that unless I confront and/or forgive them and move on that I can't fully recover. And since I'm afraid to confront them, him especially, I'm afraid I'll never be fully over it.
She said- what if you write letters to never send-
But you see, I've done that. I've done that many times. It doesn't work. It's not enough.

He said- maybe it'll be easier to do when I've moved out. That it might be awkward to do now, while I'm still in the house. But then that means I have to wait a year and a half.

I can't stand this for another year and a half.

But why can't I just move on?
Why can't I leave it behind and stop letting them ruin me?

bs

i don't buy the elecrolyte thing.

i just don't.

blessings

I'm talking to a friend online right now, and i told her about the doctors today, and i said: "I guess God is teaching me patience right now"

Friend: "patience, and to look at the blessings more. you're not anorexic anymore, and that's huge."

very good point.

i thanked her for that.

banned

I saw my doctor today. I think I went through half a box of tissues while he was talking to me.

He says my bones can take up to 2 or 3 years to repair, and even then, not everyone gets back fully to where they were before their bones weakened. So, my pitiful little 9 months of calcium is nothing. He xrayed my left shin to see if i had a stress fracture- nothing showed up, but stress fractures ususally require bone scans to be able to see them, so i might have one. He gave me two options: get a bone scan and know for sure, or just cross train a few more weeks until the pain goes away. I'm sick of hospitals and didn't want another bone scan, and I shouldn't run anyway, so I'll just let it heal- whatever it is.


My calves and feet problem he believes to be due to electrolyte imbalance. I protested this, since I havne't restricted or over exercised since last July, but he said i mostly likely still metabolize things differently, and it can take awhile for things to go back to normal. He asked if I've ever had gatorade. i said "um, they force fed that to me in the hospital". so he told me to try a diff. flavor or talk to my dietician about other options to get electrolytes in me somehow. I asked about bananas, and he said those are good, but he wants to replace some of the water i'm drinking with something else.
i told him i'd see what i could do.

so after all of this i asked him "will i ever run again?"
and he said YES.

he said it'll be awhile, but he sees no reason for me not to work SLOWLY up to it.

once my shin has healed, he said just walk every other day building up time, not speed. i'll have to do that for a long time to give my bones more time, but it'll help with my calves and feet too.
he said it'll be like strength training any other muscle or tissue. he said "you don't start out bench pressing 150 pounds, you start off lighter and slowly build up weight. we'll treat your bones and muscles the same way with your walking and running"

it makes sense. it's just frustrating.

i got some physical therapy exercises to do for my feet, too.


i'm frustrated because I feel like my 9 months of eating well have been for nothing. My stomach is still a mess, my bones are still weak, my muscles are still a mess, my heart is weird (although no one else seems concerned by that).
i know, logically, that if these last 9 months were anything what they were in the 1-2 years preceding this- i'd be a lot worse off than i am now.
and so i'm trying to remind myself of that, and to be gentle on myself. but it's hard. the whole time i was in there, crying as he told me these things, i couldn't help but realize it's all my fault. How can i not blame myself?
I shot myself in the foot as far as running goes. it's my own damn fault i'm unable to run.

why doesn't 9 healthy months count for anything?


i was going to go to work tonight but i'm not in the mood to be around people (mom, ryann and the girls aren't here right now). i'd rather study a lot today and be able to work more this weekend when the office is closed. i know i keep putting work off, but i just hate being there when everyone is in there working. plus i've been off and on crying all day, and i really don't want to be this emotional while im at work.

so i'm off to study some mycology (parasitology is technically over- we've switched to mycology and in a few weeks it'll be virology...). which doesn't sound fun, either, but i have an exam Monday, so I better get moving.

home

Ryann and the girls are at our house. They'll move into their temporary apartment Friday or Saturday when Joseph gets here. I can't believe they've actually moved back here. It hasn't sunk in yet.

Natalie is adorable.

I have parasit lab then immuno lecture left today. then studying for hematology with Karen after class. We have a test tomorrow... and the girls are at our house... Wonderful timing, eh?

blank

therapy today.

im so drained now.

i went to work right after, and only lasted a couple hours.

im so foggy, so dazed.

all i feel capable of doing is staring.

i'm physically drained from it.


meh.

pissed

so i was up until 5am.
still planned on waking up by 8 so that i could get to the gym and then study before class.
but at 11am my mom came in my room and woke me up.
my alarm was set to 8PM.

i can't win.

so another day goes by without a workout.

and i hate myself a little bit more.