ugh. life.
i'm glad i like hematology.
if i didn't like at least one of my classes... i'd be hating school a lot right now.
anemias are really interesting.
jayme and i studied hypoproliferative anemias today in between our labs. I feel a lot better about all of those now.
I studied the macrocytic and megaloblastic anemias when I got home. now im typing up the notes and i'm half way through. i needed a quick break.
i'm glad i don't have classes on Friday.
i've been edgy lately.
i just feel... pressured.
like i have so much to do and there can't be any possible way that i'll manage to get it all done in time. it's just this feeling of being rushed, of not being able to relax for a minute.
i tried working out last night but wasn't able to do much. i think that's part of it. i felt guilty for working out when i have so many things to study and cram into my head, plus work and other things. i didn't workout tonight either (uuuuuugggggggghhhhhhh) because i was feeling so anxious about hematology. so i came home and studied for a couple hours instead.
I WILL EXERCISE TOMORROW.
i have to. i know that isn't helping my anxiety levels at all.
i just always feel uneasy.
nathan wanted me to ask brandon if we could get together tomorrow night and i had a freak out in my mind for a second. i WANT to see my brother. but i can't lose two nights of the weekend (going to the hockey game saturday night!). tomorrow is just busy, and if i hung out with brandon i would lose all of my study time, except for a couple hours in the morning.
i've just freaking out.
and i don't even know why.
i have a hematology lab exam on tuesday, but that really shouldn't be that bad. it's just lab math.
we have a hematology lecture quiz on tuesday. at least it isn't a full exam, but still- her quizzes are hard and there is a lot of material for this one quiz. but it isn't an exam.
but that's all i have next week. so WHY am i freaking out right now?
i need to run.
figuratively and literally
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
i don't know.
what the heck?
my immuno prof is NOT like he was when i had him for biochemistry. his exams are ridiculous. the short answers are NOT what he told us they'd be. at least for two of them, and things he told us would be short answers weren't even on there.
and i don't know where he came up with some of the multiple choice questions because we NEVER talked about some of that. it's so frustrating.
and then i wanted to get a good workout in, and i got to the rec and started working out and i wasn't feeling it. i got half way through my workout and went home.
i have so much to study.
im so overwhelmed.
hematology is interesting at least, but holy freaking cow.
i feel inadequate today.
my immuno prof is NOT like he was when i had him for biochemistry. his exams are ridiculous. the short answers are NOT what he told us they'd be. at least for two of them, and things he told us would be short answers weren't even on there.
and i don't know where he came up with some of the multiple choice questions because we NEVER talked about some of that. it's so frustrating.
and then i wanted to get a good workout in, and i got to the rec and started working out and i wasn't feeling it. i got half way through my workout and went home.
i have so much to study.
im so overwhelmed.
hematology is interesting at least, but holy freaking cow.
i feel inadequate today.
competitve
i seem to study a lot better in the morning.
i've studied a lot for immuno. I still don't feel 100% confident, but I do feel better about it. I still have a couple hours, so that's good. I am skipping parasit- i asked nicole to pick up the notes for me. I just have parasit lab, that i can't miss. which is fine.
and then i'm going to exercise after the exam, because i haven't worked out since Friday...
i'm going insane.
in 5 1/2 hours, it'll be over.
-deep breath-
my thing is- i want to beat jayme on this exam, but i don't think I will. she seems a lot more prepared than I am. she's beat me on everything so far, except for the hematology quiz- which we were the only two to get 100%.
it sounds stupid, i know, but i guess i'm competitive. she only beat me by 2% on our last immunology exam- but she got over 100% on the hematology exam, so even though I got an A, she beat me on that too.
granted, i was sick that day and the day before, but still... so what.
i can't remember about the hemato lab exam. maybe i beat her on that.
i'm weird.
i've studied a lot for immuno. I still don't feel 100% confident, but I do feel better about it. I still have a couple hours, so that's good. I am skipping parasit- i asked nicole to pick up the notes for me. I just have parasit lab, that i can't miss. which is fine.
and then i'm going to exercise after the exam, because i haven't worked out since Friday...
i'm going insane.
in 5 1/2 hours, it'll be over.
-deep breath-
my thing is- i want to beat jayme on this exam, but i don't think I will. she seems a lot more prepared than I am. she's beat me on everything so far, except for the hematology quiz- which we were the only two to get 100%.
it sounds stupid, i know, but i guess i'm competitive. she only beat me by 2% on our last immunology exam- but she got over 100% on the hematology exam, so even though I got an A, she beat me on that too.
granted, i was sick that day and the day before, but still... so what.
i can't remember about the hemato lab exam. maybe i beat her on that.
i'm weird.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
eh.
and so i fall apart again.
tonight hasn't been so great.
and i have exam tomorrow in immuno, which is my least favorite class right now.
i might skip parasit lecture. that'll give me a couple more hours of studying tomorrow... since im not being productive tonight. i can get the notes from nicole.
we'll see.
i just...
i don't know.
i dont like myself right now.
tonight hasn't been so great.
and i have exam tomorrow in immuno, which is my least favorite class right now.
i might skip parasit lecture. that'll give me a couple more hours of studying tomorrow... since im not being productive tonight. i can get the notes from nicole.
we'll see.
i just...
i don't know.
i dont like myself right now.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Malaria
I'm writing a paper on a research study about the best way to diagnosis malaria with different types of blood smears. Don't be fooled, it is actually interesting. I have 3 pages and it supposed to be 3-4. All I have left to write about is the discussion and then a little portion on what I thought about it. I'm losing steam, though. It isn't due until Tuesday, although I'm going to have it done by Sunday night just in case she wants it early. The syllabus says "monday after break" but our classes are tuesdays and thursdays. so i'm thinking she just didn't update the syllabus from last year? No idea. But I'm not going to risk it.
I"m going to a baby shower tonight. I need to start getting ready. And I need to study for the parasit lab exam that's on Monday.
I'm so overwhelmed with that class that I don't even want to study. I've heard the lab exams aren't that bad, but there is so much to know it's ridiculous.
That's tomorrow's project. That and finish the paper, which shouldn't take long.
Then that leaves Monday and Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday morning to study for the immunology exam. I've done a lot with that and things are starting to make sense now. I should have enough time to prepare for Wednesday. Once parasit and the paper is over with.
Graduating will be nice.
I"m going to a baby shower tonight. I need to start getting ready. And I need to study for the parasit lab exam that's on Monday.
I'm so overwhelmed with that class that I don't even want to study. I've heard the lab exams aren't that bad, but there is so much to know it's ridiculous.
That's tomorrow's project. That and finish the paper, which shouldn't take long.
Then that leaves Monday and Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday morning to study for the immunology exam. I've done a lot with that and things are starting to make sense now. I should have enough time to prepare for Wednesday. Once parasit and the paper is over with.
Graduating will be nice.
work
work is annoying.
i went through so many charts today that i had audited a month ago, and my page of errors that i wrote... none of them were fixed yet. NONE! okay- so really, what's the point of my job if they're just going to ignore everything. It's SO annoying. i started putting sticky notes throughout the whole charts with errors, like 'ROBB, SIGN HERE". or "MISSING NOTE FOR 2/1". if THAT doesn't work then I don't know. i mean... how do you just NOT write a daily note for that day? that's the most important part of the chart. shouldn't that be second nature? i don't think charting should be so difficult. fill in all of the blanks, date things and sign them. if they did that, the majority of the errors i find wouldn't exist anymore and i'd have more time to focus on the goals and each individual measurement.
annoying.
i have to keep a tally of the number of each error i find. so today i was getting so frustrated that for certain charts, every one error, i'd mark it down as 2. or I'd recount all of the errors that i found LAST month that they haven't corrected yet. when they're simple little things like SIGNING the daily note, then due to their laziness, it counts as two errors. especially if it's my boss and he messes up on one of the new rules he just added with the charting. if HE can't get it right then there are problems.
/end rant
i went through so many charts today that i had audited a month ago, and my page of errors that i wrote... none of them were fixed yet. NONE! okay- so really, what's the point of my job if they're just going to ignore everything. It's SO annoying. i started putting sticky notes throughout the whole charts with errors, like 'ROBB, SIGN HERE". or "MISSING NOTE FOR 2/1". if THAT doesn't work then I don't know. i mean... how do you just NOT write a daily note for that day? that's the most important part of the chart. shouldn't that be second nature? i don't think charting should be so difficult. fill in all of the blanks, date things and sign them. if they did that, the majority of the errors i find wouldn't exist anymore and i'd have more time to focus on the goals and each individual measurement.
annoying.
i have to keep a tally of the number of each error i find. so today i was getting so frustrated that for certain charts, every one error, i'd mark it down as 2. or I'd recount all of the errors that i found LAST month that they haven't corrected yet. when they're simple little things like SIGNING the daily note, then due to their laziness, it counts as two errors. especially if it's my boss and he messes up on one of the new rules he just added with the charting. if HE can't get it right then there are problems.
/end rant
Friday, February 27, 2009
lab
job shadowed brandon today. it was cool to get into a real medical lab. by the end he'd hand me a tube of blood and let me go the right machine and put it in to start the test. that was cool. and he let me do some WBC diffs for the slides that the machine flagged. i got to look for hypochromatic and microcytic cells, and anisocytosis. My manual WBC diff was identical to the machine's diff. That was fun.
He had a couple urine analysis tests to go through. A lot of CBCs and H/H and diffs. Mostly he just explained each machine to me and how they call things in that particular lab. And then about the interviewing process. He just got accepted to a PA program in virgina for this summer. Why does school always take away my friends? Tess is moving to west virgina this summer to start med school, too.
I'll probably go back there again before he leaves. Hopefully after I finish my hematology class I'll know more. Most of what he talked about I won't learn until next year, so it's a bummer he won't be around after i take hemostasis and clinical chemistry.
He asked me a few things and then laughed when i couldn't remember. He kept saying "come on, biochem was just last semester!".
i forget things... but they're still in my head somewhere. as soon as i see it again, or can put it to some practical use, then i remember and it all comes back. i won't forget the stuff that he asked me today. now that i've gone over it again and saw it in practice- i won't forget.
have i mentioned lately that i want to run?
He had a couple urine analysis tests to go through. A lot of CBCs and H/H and diffs. Mostly he just explained each machine to me and how they call things in that particular lab. And then about the interviewing process. He just got accepted to a PA program in virgina for this summer. Why does school always take away my friends? Tess is moving to west virgina this summer to start med school, too.
I'll probably go back there again before he leaves. Hopefully after I finish my hematology class I'll know more. Most of what he talked about I won't learn until next year, so it's a bummer he won't be around after i take hemostasis and clinical chemistry.
He asked me a few things and then laughed when i couldn't remember. He kept saying "come on, biochem was just last semester!".
i forget things... but they're still in my head somewhere. as soon as i see it again, or can put it to some practical use, then i remember and it all comes back. i won't forget the stuff that he asked me today. now that i've gone over it again and saw it in practice- i won't forget.
have i mentioned lately that i want to run?
Thursday, February 26, 2009
not again..
oh. and i think running is out for awhile again.
i either have shinsplints in a weird location or a stress fracture in my tibia.
Usually shin splints are tibialis anteior pulling away from the tibia. This feels more like soleus or gastrocnemius pulling away. Which would make sense- since those muscles get tight and swollen.
but im nervous for it to be a fracture because i can push ONE particular spot that hurts more than the rest.
i dont know how that happened though because i haven't been running. i tried again today and lasted 4 whole minutes. my shin hurt too badly.
i have a random sharp pain in my left medial thigh, too.
i need to go back to the sports dr.
i don't know what all of these weird things are.
i dont want more fractures. it doesn't make sense! it simply does not make sense.
i either have shinsplints in a weird location or a stress fracture in my tibia.
Usually shin splints are tibialis anteior pulling away from the tibia. This feels more like soleus or gastrocnemius pulling away. Which would make sense- since those muscles get tight and swollen.
but im nervous for it to be a fracture because i can push ONE particular spot that hurts more than the rest.
i dont know how that happened though because i haven't been running. i tried again today and lasted 4 whole minutes. my shin hurt too badly.
i have a random sharp pain in my left medial thigh, too.
i need to go back to the sports dr.
i don't know what all of these weird things are.
i dont want more fractures. it doesn't make sense! it simply does not make sense.
Improving
I'm doing better at the moment. Slightly stressed at the amount of school work I still have to do and the little amount of time I have left to do it.
We did wedding planning stuff on Tuesday. We found the hall- it's the same place Casey had hers, and when I mentioned that my sisters was there 4 years ago the owner got all excited, added in a ton more things to the package for free, and dropped the price per plate. It's insane. So we're definitely going there. We met with a DJ too, who is an option we'd go with. We have a couple more to look into.
It's exciting actually starting to plan now. It's making it all the more real!
I've slept pretty well the last two nights. I'm hoping this continues.
My workouts are finally getting to be awesome again. I had a slump for awhile, but now they're good. I've lost a little bit of weight IN A HEALTHY WAY.
Im still eating within my calorie range, and I'm not over exercising.
I timidly weighed myself this morning because I was curious, and when I saw i lost some, it made my day. It's about freaking time my body has responded to what I've been trying to get it to do!
I'm glad that my patience is finally paying off.
Nathan and I spent the day in the library studying. We planned on yoga tonight, but the teacher is in India right now- she said she had a sub coming in to teach it, so we were still going to go- but no one showed to teach. It was really disappointing. I had been in the mood for yoga. I guess it's good to have a break though- ive killed my legs the last two days. I don't know how many warriors I would have been able to do.
I'm job-shadowing my friend tomorrow. He works in the hospital lab that i want to internship at. Nervous and excited.
i feel pretty good about getting the internship there. My GPA is higher than the people I know in my classes. Hopefully that will set me apart- along with shadowing brandon and stuff.
im nervous about the interviews this summer... growing up is scary.
I should go get a snack. I'm still slightly under my calorie range today. Then hopefully I'll fall sleep soon.
I'm exhausted.
We did wedding planning stuff on Tuesday. We found the hall- it's the same place Casey had hers, and when I mentioned that my sisters was there 4 years ago the owner got all excited, added in a ton more things to the package for free, and dropped the price per plate. It's insane. So we're definitely going there. We met with a DJ too, who is an option we'd go with. We have a couple more to look into.
It's exciting actually starting to plan now. It's making it all the more real!
I've slept pretty well the last two nights. I'm hoping this continues.
My workouts are finally getting to be awesome again. I had a slump for awhile, but now they're good. I've lost a little bit of weight IN A HEALTHY WAY.
Im still eating within my calorie range, and I'm not over exercising.
I timidly weighed myself this morning because I was curious, and when I saw i lost some, it made my day. It's about freaking time my body has responded to what I've been trying to get it to do!
I'm glad that my patience is finally paying off.
Nathan and I spent the day in the library studying. We planned on yoga tonight, but the teacher is in India right now- she said she had a sub coming in to teach it, so we were still going to go- but no one showed to teach. It was really disappointing. I had been in the mood for yoga. I guess it's good to have a break though- ive killed my legs the last two days. I don't know how many warriors I would have been able to do.
I'm job-shadowing my friend tomorrow. He works in the hospital lab that i want to internship at. Nervous and excited.
i feel pretty good about getting the internship there. My GPA is higher than the people I know in my classes. Hopefully that will set me apart- along with shadowing brandon and stuff.
im nervous about the interviews this summer... growing up is scary.
I should go get a snack. I'm still slightly under my calorie range today. Then hopefully I'll fall sleep soon.
I'm exhausted.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
empty
had a whopping 3.5 hours of sleep last night. i could have slept in- but i had a screaming natalie and avery this at 7:30 this morning, so well- there went that idea.
this exhaustion is not helping my moods or outlook on life.
i gave into the SI urges last night because it was almost 4am and i was simply at my wits end. i had to do something to get me to sleep.
i should write my paper or study for parasit or immunology.
but i think im going to crash on the couch and watch the last stage of the Tour of California instead.
if i don't sleep tonight, i'm going to lose it.
i don't have too much left in me right now.
this exhaustion is not helping my moods or outlook on life.
i gave into the SI urges last night because it was almost 4am and i was simply at my wits end. i had to do something to get me to sleep.
i should write my paper or study for parasit or immunology.
but i think im going to crash on the couch and watch the last stage of the Tour of California instead.
if i don't sleep tonight, i'm going to lose it.
i don't have too much left in me right now.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
need to recharge
Ryann, Joseph and the girls are here for the weekend. Came last night and are leaving tomorrow morning.
A house they were interested in had a price reduction and they wanted to check it out today.
I can't believe they'll be home March 11th.
It hasn't sunk in yet.
I asked Ryann last night if she'd be my matron of honor. She seemed surprised! I'm glad I could ask her in person. and I'm glad she's moving back to Michigan.
I wanted to play with natalie today, but dad wasn't sharing.
dad needs to un-retire and go away.
cutting urges have been kind of strong lately.
i don't know why. maybe the stuff with darryl? i don't know
maybe i should put forth some effort to figure it out.
but i don't really have any effort to spare.
"spring" break starts now.
i have two exams and a paper due as soon as school starts back. so it's not much of a break.
my moods are yucky.
im happy- i like having Ryann here, and i'm excited they're moving back, and i'm happy to not have class this week, and im happy to be able to work on wedding stuff with nathan this week, but i'm just... blech.
i feel worn out.
somedays i wish i could take a timeout from life and go back to rogers for a day or two, to get away so that i can refocus and start again. so that i don't have to make the decisions for a few days.
i'm tired of trying so hard.
i think giving up would take a lot less energy.
i think that's all it is.
i'm just simply worn out.
it's tiring to stick with recovery, be in school, work, and still have something left at the end of the day.
school isn't fun right now. i want school to go on hold for awhile.
i need to recharge.
so it sucks that this break will be full of studying and paper writing.
A house they were interested in had a price reduction and they wanted to check it out today.
I can't believe they'll be home March 11th.
It hasn't sunk in yet.
I asked Ryann last night if she'd be my matron of honor. She seemed surprised! I'm glad I could ask her in person. and I'm glad she's moving back to Michigan.
I wanted to play with natalie today, but dad wasn't sharing.
dad needs to un-retire and go away.
cutting urges have been kind of strong lately.
i don't know why. maybe the stuff with darryl? i don't know
maybe i should put forth some effort to figure it out.
but i don't really have any effort to spare.
"spring" break starts now.
i have two exams and a paper due as soon as school starts back. so it's not much of a break.
my moods are yucky.
im happy- i like having Ryann here, and i'm excited they're moving back, and i'm happy to not have class this week, and im happy to be able to work on wedding stuff with nathan this week, but i'm just... blech.
i feel worn out.
somedays i wish i could take a timeout from life and go back to rogers for a day or two, to get away so that i can refocus and start again. so that i don't have to make the decisions for a few days.
i'm tired of trying so hard.
i think giving up would take a lot less energy.
i think that's all it is.
i'm just simply worn out.
it's tiring to stick with recovery, be in school, work, and still have something left at the end of the day.
school isn't fun right now. i want school to go on hold for awhile.
i need to recharge.
so it sucks that this break will be full of studying and paper writing.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
amputation, please.
ugh. i'm probably going to go back to the sports doctor.
i haven't been able to exercise for another two days.
My feet and cramped up so badly and my calves are swollen and tight again.
I HATE MY LEGS AND FEET!
I don't know what he's going to be able to do for me though.
I just want to be able to walk without being in pain.
How can I run if I can't even walk?
When my feet and calves are like this, I can't bike, go on the ellipical.
nothing.
i hate it.
i haven't been able to exercise for another two days.
My feet and cramped up so badly and my calves are swollen and tight again.
I HATE MY LEGS AND FEET!
I don't know what he's going to be able to do for me though.
I just want to be able to walk without being in pain.
How can I run if I can't even walk?
When my feet and calves are like this, I can't bike, go on the ellipical.
nothing.
i hate it.
Monday, February 16, 2009
improving
I had an amazing week in the world of recovery. I knew I was sliding, so I asked my dietician if I could email her everyday if I need to, and she said that I can. So i started doing that, checking in with her a lot. I started tracking my food again, too. I had gotten lazy about that, so Ive made myself start that again. ever since i started tracking and checking in with her, i've stuck to everything perfectly!!!
I had gone 7 full days without exercising because I got sick last week. So since Friday, I've added workouts back in, and it feels soooo good to be back.
I've decided that my bones are strong enough to run.
8 1/2 months of daily calcium supplements and strength training, no restricting, limited caffeine, no overexercising/running.
with the little bit of running i started doing recently, my legs have felt fine, i just haven't gone for very long because i'm so paranoid about fracturing my femurs again. but seriously... if they were weak, they would have fractured by now.
So i'm going to start increasing my running. I need to build up my endurance again! Somedays are better than others. I need to be careful about my ankles and knees too. Watch out for any little pain i feel there.
And my calves... see if the compartment sydrome acts up more. and my plantar tendon... if that starts cramping up more often. If they do, I'll go back to the sports doctor.
I had gone to him about those problems before, but it was the same appointment where he discovered my fractured femurs, and basically nothing else mattered to him at that point. that was before I went IP. he wanted me to check back in with him but i never did. so i guess if my knees, ankles, calves, or feet act up, i'll go back and make him figure out what the hell is wrong with my legs!
but my bones are fine.
they have to be.
i gave them 8 1/2 months.
now its time i give myself the okay to run.
I had gone 7 full days without exercising because I got sick last week. So since Friday, I've added workouts back in, and it feels soooo good to be back.
I've decided that my bones are strong enough to run.
8 1/2 months of daily calcium supplements and strength training, no restricting, limited caffeine, no overexercising/running.
with the little bit of running i started doing recently, my legs have felt fine, i just haven't gone for very long because i'm so paranoid about fracturing my femurs again. but seriously... if they were weak, they would have fractured by now.
So i'm going to start increasing my running. I need to build up my endurance again! Somedays are better than others. I need to be careful about my ankles and knees too. Watch out for any little pain i feel there.
And my calves... see if the compartment sydrome acts up more. and my plantar tendon... if that starts cramping up more often. If they do, I'll go back to the sports doctor.
I had gone to him about those problems before, but it was the same appointment where he discovered my fractured femurs, and basically nothing else mattered to him at that point. that was before I went IP. he wanted me to check back in with him but i never did. so i guess if my knees, ankles, calves, or feet act up, i'll go back and make him figure out what the hell is wrong with my legs!
but my bones are fine.
they have to be.
i gave them 8 1/2 months.
now its time i give myself the okay to run.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
i hate food
my dietician wonders if im sensitive to wheat.
great-i finally get over my aversion to bread.
great-i finally get over my aversion to bread.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
cells
I'm finally comprehending everything for hematology. Everything makes sense and fits together. It's actually all very fascinating. Again, the class I dread the most becomes my favorite. The exam will be hard- it's a Williams exam- but it's nothing I can't handle. I handled Dinda's biochem exams, and I handled his immunology exam without any trouble, so hopefully I can do the same with hers.
The rest of the studying for me will be writing everything out a million times. Making sure I can write out lists, remember the negative and postive regulators, which cytokines do what at which stage. It's on hematopoiesis, erythropoiesis, structure, function, and death of the mature red blood cell, and about hemoglobin's synthesis, structure, regulation, function, etc. along with what happens with abnormalities.
so since her exams are often multiple-multiple choice and short answer, i need to be able to memorize everything word for word. otherwise, i already feel confident about it. and the exam isn't even until Tuesday.
awesome.
Nathan and I going to see the detroit symphony orchestra tonight! i got the tickets as a christmas present. i'm excited!
i may go clean my room a bit.
it's a disaster area at the moment and it's driving me crazy.
ive been studying all morning.
i need a break.
The rest of the studying for me will be writing everything out a million times. Making sure I can write out lists, remember the negative and postive regulators, which cytokines do what at which stage. It's on hematopoiesis, erythropoiesis, structure, function, and death of the mature red blood cell, and about hemoglobin's synthesis, structure, regulation, function, etc. along with what happens with abnormalities.
so since her exams are often multiple-multiple choice and short answer, i need to be able to memorize everything word for word. otherwise, i already feel confident about it. and the exam isn't even until Tuesday.
awesome.
Nathan and I going to see the detroit symphony orchestra tonight! i got the tickets as a christmas present. i'm excited!
i may go clean my room a bit.
it's a disaster area at the moment and it's driving me crazy.
ive been studying all morning.
i need a break.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
blech
why have i no motivation to study lately?
hematology IS interesting.
immunology... eh...
parasitology isn't too bad.
but really, come on Andi.
Get with it already.
hematology IS interesting.
immunology... eh...
parasitology isn't too bad.
but really, come on Andi.
Get with it already.
annoying
why is my stomach still acting up so often?
the last couple days, after i eat, it HURTS. and then even throughout the day, it never actually feels better.
i wanted to go to yoga tonight after lab, but my stomach was so bloated and painful that the thought of bending over and twisting into weird poses did NOT sound good.
so im home now and bitter.
and hating my stomach.
ive been eating reguarly since july.
shouldn't it have gotten the hang of the whole digestion thing by now?
the last couple days, after i eat, it HURTS. and then even throughout the day, it never actually feels better.
i wanted to go to yoga tonight after lab, but my stomach was so bloated and painful that the thought of bending over and twisting into weird poses did NOT sound good.
so im home now and bitter.
and hating my stomach.
ive been eating reguarly since july.
shouldn't it have gotten the hang of the whole digestion thing by now?
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Sleep deprived
so last night i was exhausted. i took rozerem and went to bed by 10:30, prepared to sleep allllll night and wake up refreshed.
nope.
i was up until 3am again.
even with rozerem and an intense workout previously that morning.
stupid.
so i got up, after 5 hours of sleep, went back to the gym. tried swimming again... felt pretty pathetic doing that. between being tired and having swam yesterday, and hardly swimming in the last 2 years, i wasn't really feeling all that great in the water. so i did some other things for my workout.
then went to Mass, then went to work.
It took an hour and a half for me to update the spreadsheets and do the monthly audit report for January.
i hate that most about my job. i dread the end of each month.
anyway, i'm hungry. and debating whether or not to wait for Nathan to get here to eat. maybe i'll have a snack or something.
Jess and Jakob are coming over later tonight for an Anti-superbowl party.
I'm not sure what we're going to do yet, but i'm sure it'll be fun.
i am so tired.
if i don't sleep tonight, i'm going to be pissed off.
i purposefully overdid the exercise this morning, just so that i'd sleep tonight.
i know that doesn't always work, but something has to work.
nope.
i was up until 3am again.
even with rozerem and an intense workout previously that morning.
stupid.
so i got up, after 5 hours of sleep, went back to the gym. tried swimming again... felt pretty pathetic doing that. between being tired and having swam yesterday, and hardly swimming in the last 2 years, i wasn't really feeling all that great in the water. so i did some other things for my workout.
then went to Mass, then went to work.
It took an hour and a half for me to update the spreadsheets and do the monthly audit report for January.
i hate that most about my job. i dread the end of each month.
anyway, i'm hungry. and debating whether or not to wait for Nathan to get here to eat. maybe i'll have a snack or something.
Jess and Jakob are coming over later tonight for an Anti-superbowl party.
I'm not sure what we're going to do yet, but i'm sure it'll be fun.
i am so tired.
if i don't sleep tonight, i'm going to be pissed off.
i purposefully overdid the exercise this morning, just so that i'd sleep tonight.
i know that doesn't always work, but something has to work.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
water
ive started swimming again.
i went last sunday and wasn't feeling very well in the water.
i went this morning and i already felt stronger. so that was fun.
my head hurts a lot.
i need to do some hardcore studying tonight.
so hopefully my head will feel better by the time dinner is over.
it's a late one- it's already 7 and we haven't eaten.
im not hungry at all, though.
blech.
i went last sunday and wasn't feeling very well in the water.
i went this morning and i already felt stronger. so that was fun.
my head hurts a lot.
i need to do some hardcore studying tonight.
so hopefully my head will feel better by the time dinner is over.
it's a late one- it's already 7 and we haven't eaten.
im not hungry at all, though.
blech.
carpals
yesterday the TAs did the next dissection for head and neck.
i did the anterior neck again. i like that dissection. amanda did the other side, and the others worked on the deep back muscles. we do the craniotomy during class so that the students can watch.
now that they've had their upper limb exam, i could cut the tendons of the wrist and reflect back the hand muscles and the forearm muscles. i actually ended up cutting away all of the forearm muscles, leaving the deepest, pronator quadratus, which is a squarish muscle at the wrist. it looks really neat. you can see the ulna and the radius, and the interossious membrane inbetween connecting the two. i cut most of the superficial hand muscles away, and cut the carpal tunnel ligament, so now you can see the metacarpals and 3 of the 8 carpal bones (trapizium, hamate, and pisiform). the remaining 5 are still encased in a really thick ligament that i haven't been able to cut through yet. i should have left the median nerve, which goes through the carpal tunnel, but i didn't think of it until just now. shoot.
i really like dissecting.
i did the anterior neck again. i like that dissection. amanda did the other side, and the others worked on the deep back muscles. we do the craniotomy during class so that the students can watch.
now that they've had their upper limb exam, i could cut the tendons of the wrist and reflect back the hand muscles and the forearm muscles. i actually ended up cutting away all of the forearm muscles, leaving the deepest, pronator quadratus, which is a squarish muscle at the wrist. it looks really neat. you can see the ulna and the radius, and the interossious membrane inbetween connecting the two. i cut most of the superficial hand muscles away, and cut the carpal tunnel ligament, so now you can see the metacarpals and 3 of the 8 carpal bones (trapizium, hamate, and pisiform). the remaining 5 are still encased in a really thick ligament that i haven't been able to cut through yet. i should have left the median nerve, which goes through the carpal tunnel, but i didn't think of it until just now. shoot.
i really like dissecting.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
inadequate
parasitology lab is HARD. i have no idea how i'm going to well. we spent 2 hours looking at slides for parasites. and i'd find things, but i couldn't distinguish which species it was. i knew i found something. our prof said, "too bad you can't just say 'yup, there's something there' on the exam... you need to tell me what species it is."
that SUCKS.
they're so freaking tiny. i found one that i estimated to be 5 to 10 micrometers across.
so it's tiny. so i can't tell how many nuclei there are, or what the karyosomes look like, or if there are peripheral chromatin, or vacoules containing digested bacteria or red blood cells.
all i can do, at this point, is tell that there is SOMETHING there among the rest of the slide filled with 'junk' (what we call everything that we're not looking for).
i can find the refractile membrane, at least one nucleus, most of the time. but that's it.
i'm pretty sure i found entameoba hartmanni and endolimax nana in our patient's sample today. and i think i found cysts of both, and one troph form of the hartmanni.
but that's a complete guess.
i hope i never have to work in the parasit lab at work.
my parents are in DC for the March For Life. I wonder if I'll ever have the chance to go to one. I hope and pray that FOCA doesn't pass.
i'm scared for this country.
i have a hematology quiz tomorrow. i haven't had much motivation to study tonight. Nathan was supposed to come over- and that would have helped me to focus- but stuff came up and plans changed and he ended up not being able to come over afterall. im pretty bummed.
i managed to study a good chunk of it. then i needed a break, so now i'm facing the challenge of getting back into it. i dont' have much left to go. and im studying with Jamye in the morning before class. it shouldn't be too hard, i don't think. but i've heard nothing but horror stories about her quizzes and exams, so i have no idea what to expect.
i don't feel up to the challenge of being a med tech today.
after parasitology lab today, and after immunology lecture (whoa! all of a sudden it got hard), and now my lack of motivation to study hematology.
i dont like that i'm having such a hard time in parasit.
microbiology was so much easier- we streaked plates, and two days later we looked at colonies of bacteria.
in parasit- we make O&P slides of patient stool samples, stain them, and then look for tiny tiny tiny ameobas that i can hardly see.
i had a hard time with the control slides- so i know it isn't my slide prep technique.
i just feel inadequate today.
that SUCKS.
they're so freaking tiny. i found one that i estimated to be 5 to 10 micrometers across.
so it's tiny. so i can't tell how many nuclei there are, or what the karyosomes look like, or if there are peripheral chromatin, or vacoules containing digested bacteria or red blood cells.
all i can do, at this point, is tell that there is SOMETHING there among the rest of the slide filled with 'junk' (what we call everything that we're not looking for).
i can find the refractile membrane, at least one nucleus, most of the time. but that's it.
i'm pretty sure i found entameoba hartmanni and endolimax nana in our patient's sample today. and i think i found cysts of both, and one troph form of the hartmanni.
but that's a complete guess.
i hope i never have to work in the parasit lab at work.
my parents are in DC for the March For Life. I wonder if I'll ever have the chance to go to one. I hope and pray that FOCA doesn't pass.
i'm scared for this country.
i have a hematology quiz tomorrow. i haven't had much motivation to study tonight. Nathan was supposed to come over- and that would have helped me to focus- but stuff came up and plans changed and he ended up not being able to come over afterall. im pretty bummed.
i managed to study a good chunk of it. then i needed a break, so now i'm facing the challenge of getting back into it. i dont' have much left to go. and im studying with Jamye in the morning before class. it shouldn't be too hard, i don't think. but i've heard nothing but horror stories about her quizzes and exams, so i have no idea what to expect.
i don't feel up to the challenge of being a med tech today.
after parasitology lab today, and after immunology lecture (whoa! all of a sudden it got hard), and now my lack of motivation to study hematology.
i dont like that i'm having such a hard time in parasit.
microbiology was so much easier- we streaked plates, and two days later we looked at colonies of bacteria.
in parasit- we make O&P slides of patient stool samples, stain them, and then look for tiny tiny tiny ameobas that i can hardly see.
i had a hard time with the control slides- so i know it isn't my slide prep technique.
i just feel inadequate today.
screaming
i've never had that much patience. so i'm really surprised i've held out this long.
but this is getting ridiculous.
every cell in my body is screaming at me to restrict.
but this is getting ridiculous.
every cell in my body is screaming at me to restrict.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
stupid lab
3 1/2 hours of sleep. i have to run an open lab today for 4 hours.
i'm not awake.
and i'm so sick of TAing. i'd resign, but i can't. not now. i'm the head TA for my section now, and mostly everyone in my section is new. i can't leave.
there will only be 3 of us today.
so today won't be fun.
maybe not many students will show up today.
usually, i don't hope for that.
usually, i get frustrated when students don't care and don't come.
but today...
i don't care.
i'm not awake.
and i'm so sick of TAing. i'd resign, but i can't. not now. i'm the head TA for my section now, and mostly everyone in my section is new. i can't leave.
there will only be 3 of us today.
so today won't be fun.
maybe not many students will show up today.
usually, i don't hope for that.
usually, i get frustrated when students don't care and don't come.
but today...
i don't care.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
hibernating
i told my mom this morning that i was going to go to Mass tonight.
that was my plan.
now i told her since i dont really like going to Mass in town, it's not making me motivated to go out in the cold and deal with the snow and icey roads. so i'll go to st cyrils in the morning.
actually, i just don't feel up to leaving the house. i just don't care about life.
i haven't left my room much at all today.
i'm strangly okay with that.
that was my plan.
now i told her since i dont really like going to Mass in town, it's not making me motivated to go out in the cold and deal with the snow and icey roads. so i'll go to st cyrils in the morning.
actually, i just don't feel up to leaving the house. i just don't care about life.
i haven't left my room much at all today.
i'm strangly okay with that.
gone
i was looking through old pictures on the computer today, trying to find some from 2005. but i looked at the ones from febrary two years ago. the ones from when we went to florida. and i was 102lbs.
dont know why i do this to myself. look back and remember what it was like.
but i miss it.
i really really really miss it.
dont know why i do this to myself. look back and remember what it was like.
but i miss it.
i really really really miss it.
why
i went back to my increased dose of lamictal. and i'm actually taking it regularly again.
so why do i feel like curling up in a ball and crying?
so why do i feel like curling up in a ball and crying?
Friday, January 16, 2009
abilities
sometimes, i question my ability to succeed with what i'm doing.
the amount that i'm learning is overwhelming most of the time.
but this is only the beginning.
this is still 'junior year' of undergrad. these labs still don't affect anyone's life.
what if i screw up when i'm interning or working, and then someone gets hurt.
it makes me scared.
the amount that i'm learning is overwhelming most of the time.
but this is only the beginning.
this is still 'junior year' of undergrad. these labs still don't affect anyone's life.
what if i screw up when i'm interning or working, and then someone gets hurt.
it makes me scared.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Trust
(i can't believe this ended up being so long!)
Couldn't sleep well last night, either. I ended up taking rozerem at 1am. Got to sleep around 2 or 2:30...
I kind of know why now. I completely broke down into tears last night. I went to bed, slightly sleepy, but not enough to fall asleep right away. As soon as the lights were out- my mind was spinning.
so when i stay up late reading, or watching medical shows on discovery health until all hours of the morning... until i'm so tired that i literally can't think anymore and the only possibility is to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow...
its my way of numbing out. of avoiding my thoughts.
I don't know why I worry about the things I worry about. It's just old fears... the memory of those darker times. And the fear that it will all come back again.
I used to be so sick. I could barely get out of bed. I couldn't go to my highschool anymore. I was stuck at home. My life was put on hold. I'd lay there in bed, crying, everyday. I was so scared. no, i was petrified. We didn't have a diagnosis yet. I didn't have an explaination. and without a cause to my illnesses, there was no treatment. there was no cure. there was nothing. all i could invision for myself was a life of sickness. a life not worth living. i couldn't see myself managing to ever go to college. and if i did, i never could imagine myself being able to have a career. my body wouldn't allow it. my body wouldn't even allow me to finish highschool on time. it wouldn't let me read for more than 10 minutes at a time.
i couldn't imagine ever having kids. there would be no way i could have the energy to take care of a baby, chase around a toddler, keep up with child. and i never wanted to only have one. i'd never do that- make them be an only child. that would be one of the worst thing i could ever do. but if i couldn't manage one- and if i did, it would be a miracle- then i surely couldn't manage two or more.
(and i never wanted to be like how my mom was to me- always sick... that had a bad effect on me too... but i don't want to go there right now)
I was terrified my life would amount to nothing. that i would know nothing but illness and darkness. and that the world would continue to go on without me, like it had been doing since I had gotten sick in the first place. i was terrified of a life stuck in bed. a life of physical and emotional pain. a life of such profound fatigue that i was completely useless.
what would i do with myself? there would be no way i'd live with my parents for the rest of their lives (and when they died... then what?). but how could i ever manage to work enough to pay rent for some place on my own?
all i saw was a future of nothingness.
i couldn't imagine myself beyond the age of 19 or 20.
i dont know if i figured I'd die by then? it's a weird thought, i guess. but i really never saw myself as getting older. i had these fears of the future, but part of me thought "don't worry, you'll never get to that point that you'll have to deal with that."
and it wasn't just the physical illness part.
it was my dark, black moods i had. maybe partly due to being sick, but not completely. i could almost always seperate the two different types of depressions. all i knew was darkness. pain. anxiety. all i knew was cutting, thoughts of suicide. nights of endless tears. going days without talking, without eating, without leaving my room. life had no meaning. all i knew was depression.
so i was diagnosed w. bipolar. finally found the right meds and lifted out of the depression... for the most part... at least i got stable.
and the week before I turned 20, i finally got the diagnosis i had been searching for since i was 14. i started treatment, i started feeling better.
now i kick ass at college. i'm 22- so i've made it past 20, like i never thought i would. i have a future career in sight. i'm enaged. i have hope for the future. i finally have hope.
but... i'm still terrified.
i'm terrified of all of that rushing back at me. of not being able to escape that hell i had been stuck in for 6 years.
i want to have kids. nathan and i want to have kids.
so... when i'm pregnant... i'm off ALL of my medications.
my illnesses.... they have no cures. only treatments. and each treatment is medication.
these treatments are the only reason why i've made it to where i am right now. without them..... i don't know.
so what will happen? without lamictal. will the bipolar go crazy? will i spiral down, back to that dark hole i was stuck in for so long? will the anxiety get intense again?
and what about the sleep disorders. will i stop getting stage 3 and 4 again? and the provigil... how could i manage without it? especially because the last time i went off of it a couple summers ago, i was suicidally depressed the whole time i was off of it. i seriously shut completely down that summer. i never want to go back there again.
will i become as sick as i was again? will i become exhausted to the point of being bedridden again? of needed to use wheelchairs when i was too sick to even walk?
i'm terrified.
i'm terrified of my past. it was so painful.
i never want to go back there.
and i dont know why i worry about this now. it'll be a long time before we become parents.
so why do panic about it now? it doesn't affect me right now...
but i'm still scared.
i'm scared of becoming my 17 year old self again.
i hated life at 17.
so i keep messing around with my medication.
i keep taking myself off things. cutting back dosages. stopping them all together.
just to see- what will happen if i go without this, or without that. or what about without either.
and life without lamictal, and life without pamelor... not good.
i always feel the effect.
my mood drops, my anxiety skyrockets. remember those panic attacks last month? yeah- i hadn't been taking lamictal for awhile.
not taking the pamelor... my body feels run down. like i'm getting the flu. my body aches all over, i get fatigued easily. i can't think. i feel the beginnings of what it was like before.
to come off both of them?
forget it- i was a mess.
i won't do that again.
(except i'm going to have to, to have children... on multiple occasions... )
i remember what Bree said yesterday while we were talking: "but that takes all the fun away. why not worry about what you cant control :-P "
God is in control, ultimately. If we're to have children, I have to believe God won't abandon me. Even if it's rough on me- Nathan will be there with me. He will be my strength, and my calm.
I need to learn to trust God.
But I get so nervous... about how the next couple of years will all work out.
I hate unknowns. I really do. I always have.
I realize everything up until the point has all happened for a reason. Even my illnesses... it's all worked out. Without them, I wouldn't have gone to the university I'm at. I wouldn't be in the year that I am. I wouldn't have had the same classes with Nathan. We never would have met.
When I got my diagnosis and started treatment-- it was the first day of my sophomore year of college. the year that classes started to get challenging. the year that i needed health more than anything. and God gave that to me, just in time.
God brought Nathan and I together at the most perfect point of our lives.
The bipolar, the cutting, the anorexia... it's all made me stronger. it's made me understand myself, it's made me understand life... it's made me appreciate life, and my education, and my health.
it's made me into who i am.
and it's allowed me to meet amazing people. and it's allowed me to reach out to other people... because i can completely understand them.
so i have to trust in God.
that He won't abandon me now. And he won't abandon me when we decide to have children.
and i realize there might be pain, and there might be sadness and struggles... but He'll be there. and it'll all be okay. and He'll lead us through it. He'll make it worth it.
Just like he made those 6 terrible years into something wonderful.
I just need to trust.
Couldn't sleep well last night, either. I ended up taking rozerem at 1am. Got to sleep around 2 or 2:30...
I kind of know why now. I completely broke down into tears last night. I went to bed, slightly sleepy, but not enough to fall asleep right away. As soon as the lights were out- my mind was spinning.
so when i stay up late reading, or watching medical shows on discovery health until all hours of the morning... until i'm so tired that i literally can't think anymore and the only possibility is to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow...
its my way of numbing out. of avoiding my thoughts.
I don't know why I worry about the things I worry about. It's just old fears... the memory of those darker times. And the fear that it will all come back again.
I used to be so sick. I could barely get out of bed. I couldn't go to my highschool anymore. I was stuck at home. My life was put on hold. I'd lay there in bed, crying, everyday. I was so scared. no, i was petrified. We didn't have a diagnosis yet. I didn't have an explaination. and without a cause to my illnesses, there was no treatment. there was no cure. there was nothing. all i could invision for myself was a life of sickness. a life not worth living. i couldn't see myself managing to ever go to college. and if i did, i never could imagine myself being able to have a career. my body wouldn't allow it. my body wouldn't even allow me to finish highschool on time. it wouldn't let me read for more than 10 minutes at a time.
i couldn't imagine ever having kids. there would be no way i could have the energy to take care of a baby, chase around a toddler, keep up with child. and i never wanted to only have one. i'd never do that- make them be an only child. that would be one of the worst thing i could ever do. but if i couldn't manage one- and if i did, it would be a miracle- then i surely couldn't manage two or more.
(and i never wanted to be like how my mom was to me- always sick... that had a bad effect on me too... but i don't want to go there right now)
I was terrified my life would amount to nothing. that i would know nothing but illness and darkness. and that the world would continue to go on without me, like it had been doing since I had gotten sick in the first place. i was terrified of a life stuck in bed. a life of physical and emotional pain. a life of such profound fatigue that i was completely useless.
what would i do with myself? there would be no way i'd live with my parents for the rest of their lives (and when they died... then what?). but how could i ever manage to work enough to pay rent for some place on my own?
all i saw was a future of nothingness.
i couldn't imagine myself beyond the age of 19 or 20.
i dont know if i figured I'd die by then? it's a weird thought, i guess. but i really never saw myself as getting older. i had these fears of the future, but part of me thought "don't worry, you'll never get to that point that you'll have to deal with that."
and it wasn't just the physical illness part.
it was my dark, black moods i had. maybe partly due to being sick, but not completely. i could almost always seperate the two different types of depressions. all i knew was darkness. pain. anxiety. all i knew was cutting, thoughts of suicide. nights of endless tears. going days without talking, without eating, without leaving my room. life had no meaning. all i knew was depression.
so i was diagnosed w. bipolar. finally found the right meds and lifted out of the depression... for the most part... at least i got stable.
and the week before I turned 20, i finally got the diagnosis i had been searching for since i was 14. i started treatment, i started feeling better.
now i kick ass at college. i'm 22- so i've made it past 20, like i never thought i would. i have a future career in sight. i'm enaged. i have hope for the future. i finally have hope.
but... i'm still terrified.
i'm terrified of all of that rushing back at me. of not being able to escape that hell i had been stuck in for 6 years.
i want to have kids. nathan and i want to have kids.
so... when i'm pregnant... i'm off ALL of my medications.
my illnesses.... they have no cures. only treatments. and each treatment is medication.
these treatments are the only reason why i've made it to where i am right now. without them..... i don't know.
so what will happen? without lamictal. will the bipolar go crazy? will i spiral down, back to that dark hole i was stuck in for so long? will the anxiety get intense again?
and what about the sleep disorders. will i stop getting stage 3 and 4 again? and the provigil... how could i manage without it? especially because the last time i went off of it a couple summers ago, i was suicidally depressed the whole time i was off of it. i seriously shut completely down that summer. i never want to go back there again.
will i become as sick as i was again? will i become exhausted to the point of being bedridden again? of needed to use wheelchairs when i was too sick to even walk?
i'm terrified.
i'm terrified of my past. it was so painful.
i never want to go back there.
and i dont know why i worry about this now. it'll be a long time before we become parents.
so why do panic about it now? it doesn't affect me right now...
but i'm still scared.
i'm scared of becoming my 17 year old self again.
i hated life at 17.
so i keep messing around with my medication.
i keep taking myself off things. cutting back dosages. stopping them all together.
just to see- what will happen if i go without this, or without that. or what about without either.
and life without lamictal, and life without pamelor... not good.
i always feel the effect.
my mood drops, my anxiety skyrockets. remember those panic attacks last month? yeah- i hadn't been taking lamictal for awhile.
not taking the pamelor... my body feels run down. like i'm getting the flu. my body aches all over, i get fatigued easily. i can't think. i feel the beginnings of what it was like before.
to come off both of them?
forget it- i was a mess.
i won't do that again.
(except i'm going to have to, to have children... on multiple occasions... )
i remember what Bree said yesterday while we were talking: "but that takes all the fun away. why not worry about what you cant control :-P "
God is in control, ultimately. If we're to have children, I have to believe God won't abandon me. Even if it's rough on me- Nathan will be there with me. He will be my strength, and my calm.
I need to learn to trust God.
But I get so nervous... about how the next couple of years will all work out.
I hate unknowns. I really do. I always have.
I realize everything up until the point has all happened for a reason. Even my illnesses... it's all worked out. Without them, I wouldn't have gone to the university I'm at. I wouldn't be in the year that I am. I wouldn't have had the same classes with Nathan. We never would have met.
When I got my diagnosis and started treatment-- it was the first day of my sophomore year of college. the year that classes started to get challenging. the year that i needed health more than anything. and God gave that to me, just in time.
God brought Nathan and I together at the most perfect point of our lives.
The bipolar, the cutting, the anorexia... it's all made me stronger. it's made me understand myself, it's made me understand life... it's made me appreciate life, and my education, and my health.
it's made me into who i am.
and it's allowed me to meet amazing people. and it's allowed me to reach out to other people... because i can completely understand them.
so i have to trust in God.
that He won't abandon me now. And he won't abandon me when we decide to have children.
and i realize there might be pain, and there might be sadness and struggles... but He'll be there. and it'll all be okay. and He'll lead us through it. He'll make it worth it.
Just like he made those 6 terrible years into something wonderful.
I just need to trust.
Monday, January 5, 2009
running
i ran 21 minutes today!!! and my legs feel fine (aside from some knots in my thighs that i've had for a couple days). no broken bones!!!
wow. it felt good. really good.
i wanted to keep going. but i've made so much progress with the running. slowly building up my time, spacing the runs a couple days apart. i was afraid if i kept going, i'd ruin all of that progress and fracture something again.
oh! and it was exciting because i got up to 6.6 mph for 5 minutes! i've never run that fast, for that long before! i was dying by minute 5, but it was fun. i had to knock it back down to 6.1ish.
but... prior to today, i had kept it around 5.7 mph, give or take a decimal. and i was staying around 10-12 minutes... so yeah. that's a big jump!
i love running.
wow. it felt good. really good.
i wanted to keep going. but i've made so much progress with the running. slowly building up my time, spacing the runs a couple days apart. i was afraid if i kept going, i'd ruin all of that progress and fracture something again.
oh! and it was exciting because i got up to 6.6 mph for 5 minutes! i've never run that fast, for that long before! i was dying by minute 5, but it was fun. i had to knock it back down to 6.1ish.
but... prior to today, i had kept it around 5.7 mph, give or take a decimal. and i was staying around 10-12 minutes... so yeah. that's a big jump!
i love running.
Friday, January 2, 2009
school
Didn't school just end?
I got my new books today.
I only needed 2, since we're using the same book from micro for parasitology.
immuniology (with my old biochem prof) looks fun.
hematology... not so much.
or maybe i'm just dreading that professor.
I got my new books today.
I only needed 2, since we're using the same book from micro for parasitology.
immuniology (with my old biochem prof) looks fun.
hematology... not so much.
or maybe i'm just dreading that professor.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
pop
i still am surprised that i'm more angry at my mom than i am at my dad... even though i get along so much better with her than him.
when i had to write letters to them at rogers (not to be sent), the one to my mom was a lot longer and a lot angrier.
i hadn't been expecting that.
i brought that up with susan today.
i wonder if i'll ever work up the nerve to tell them everything.
it almost doesn't seem fair to me to not tell them.
i know there were a lot of factors leading to the behaviors- but my parents are HUGE contributors.
i need them to know that.
i need to pop their ignorant bubble that i've been protecting for all of these years.
i'm tired of protecting it.
when i had to write letters to them at rogers (not to be sent), the one to my mom was a lot longer and a lot angrier.
i hadn't been expecting that.
i brought that up with susan today.
i wonder if i'll ever work up the nerve to tell them everything.
it almost doesn't seem fair to me to not tell them.
i know there were a lot of factors leading to the behaviors- but my parents are HUGE contributors.
i need them to know that.
i need to pop their ignorant bubble that i've been protecting for all of these years.
i'm tired of protecting it.
counting down
i can't wait to move out of this house.
my parents are toxic to me.
tentively 521 more days until im married!
hopefully i can move out a little bit before then, since i graduate in 486 days...
my parents are toxic to me.
tentively 521 more days until im married!
hopefully i can move out a little bit before then, since i graduate in 486 days...
Saturday, December 27, 2008
natty
little Natalie completely stole my heart this week.
she is the sweetest child i have ever met. so calm and loving and happy.
i love that she warmed up to me so quickly.
i loved cuddling up with her and reading stories to her and kissing her little forehead.
i wanted to hide her so that Ryann and Joseph couldn't take her with them.
i'm so happy for them to move home soon so that i can play with Natty and watch her grow up.
i want a natalie one day. i hope all of my kids are natalies.
i miss her.
she is the sweetest child i have ever met. so calm and loving and happy.
i love that she warmed up to me so quickly.
i loved cuddling up with her and reading stories to her and kissing her little forehead.
i wanted to hide her so that Ryann and Joseph couldn't take her with them.
i'm so happy for them to move home soon so that i can play with Natty and watch her grow up.
i want a natalie one day. i hope all of my kids are natalies.
i miss her.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
new pants
i realized a few days ago i didn't have any black pants or anything dressy-ish for christmas eve. so i braved going to kohls for pants. always terrifying.
it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. i still don't like the size that i am. but it hasn't gone up, so that helped. the black pants are a size smaller than before and the jeans i found for 1/2 off (sweet!) are the same size as before, but they're big on me. so... *deep breath*
i hate clothes shopping. too anxiety provoking and stressful.
i'm finally noticing a change in my body, i think. i've had more time to add more weight training and variety into my workouts. and ive been running 11 minutes a few times a week... and no broken bones! i don't know. i'm still being patient... but it's still hard.
but i went and got black pants, and still went home and ate lunch afterwards, even though i was uncomfortable with the size.
so i think that was successful.
but i still miss being a size 0. and i still miss wearing skirts from the girls department, because size 0 was too big.
maybe that's sick and twisted, but i miss it. i miss being tiny. i miss seeing my bones. i miss my pants becoming too big all the time.
i still haven't accepted that i'll never be there again.
i still have all of my small pants.
afterall- ryann is tiny, and she's healthy... right? why can't that happen to me, too?
i should give her my old clothes, since they're not doing anyone any good sitting in my closet-- but i think it would be too hard to see her wearing them, and knowing that i can't fit into them anymore. and knowing that's had 2 kids already, eats whatever she wants and never works out.
but i'm not bitter.
i hope that one day, trying on clothes won't be tramatic.
i hope that one day i can be comfortable in my skin.
today isn't that day.
but maybe one day.
it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. i still don't like the size that i am. but it hasn't gone up, so that helped. the black pants are a size smaller than before and the jeans i found for 1/2 off (sweet!) are the same size as before, but they're big on me. so... *deep breath*
i hate clothes shopping. too anxiety provoking and stressful.
i'm finally noticing a change in my body, i think. i've had more time to add more weight training and variety into my workouts. and ive been running 11 minutes a few times a week... and no broken bones! i don't know. i'm still being patient... but it's still hard.
but i went and got black pants, and still went home and ate lunch afterwards, even though i was uncomfortable with the size.
so i think that was successful.
but i still miss being a size 0. and i still miss wearing skirts from the girls department, because size 0 was too big.
maybe that's sick and twisted, but i miss it. i miss being tiny. i miss seeing my bones. i miss my pants becoming too big all the time.
i still haven't accepted that i'll never be there again.
i still have all of my small pants.
afterall- ryann is tiny, and she's healthy... right? why can't that happen to me, too?
i should give her my old clothes, since they're not doing anyone any good sitting in my closet-- but i think it would be too hard to see her wearing them, and knowing that i can't fit into them anymore. and knowing that's had 2 kids already, eats whatever she wants and never works out.
but i'm not bitter.
i hope that one day, trying on clothes won't be tramatic.
i hope that one day i can be comfortable in my skin.
today isn't that day.
but maybe one day.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Fingertips
1. Put your music on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the meme as well as the person you got the meme from.
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
This is how I disappear- my chemical romance
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Everyday- dave mathews band
HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
scream, aim, fire- bullet for my valentine
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Wolve's - iron and wine
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
forever and always - bullet for my valentine
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
when two are one- Atreyu
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
broken bones- rev theory (very true! stupid femurs!)
WHAT IS 2+2?
40 miles from the sun - bush
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
trust- thrice
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
a little piece of heaven- avenged sevenfold (aww)
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
fences- paramore
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
still running- Chevelle (yup!)
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
when the rain comes- third day
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
bent- matchbox twenty
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
born for this - paramore
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
nice to know you- incubus (hahaha)
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
louder than words- greenwheel
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
conspiracy- paramore (shhh)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
the theft- atreyu
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
the best i ever had (grey sky morning) - vertical horizon
HOW WILL YOU DIE?
babylon- david grey
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
3am - matchbox twenty
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
It's far better to learn- saosin
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Betrayal is a symptom - thrice
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
here we go again- paramore
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
between the end and where we lie- thrice
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
alright- tantric
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
burn it down- avenged sevenfold
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
blood on the ground - incubus
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
fingertips- they might be giants
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the meme as well as the person you got the meme from.
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
This is how I disappear- my chemical romance
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Everyday- dave mathews band
HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
scream, aim, fire- bullet for my valentine
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Wolve's - iron and wine
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
forever and always - bullet for my valentine
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
when two are one- Atreyu
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
broken bones- rev theory (very true! stupid femurs!)
WHAT IS 2+2?
40 miles from the sun - bush
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
trust- thrice
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
a little piece of heaven- avenged sevenfold (aww)
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
fences- paramore
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
still running- Chevelle (yup!)
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
when the rain comes- third day
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
bent- matchbox twenty
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
born for this - paramore
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
nice to know you- incubus (hahaha)
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
louder than words- greenwheel
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
conspiracy- paramore (shhh)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
the theft- atreyu
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
the best i ever had (grey sky morning) - vertical horizon
HOW WILL YOU DIE?
babylon- david grey
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
3am - matchbox twenty
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
It's far better to learn- saosin
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Betrayal is a symptom - thrice
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
here we go again- paramore
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
between the end and where we lie- thrice
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
alright- tantric
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
burn it down- avenged sevenfold
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
blood on the ground - incubus
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
fingertips- they might be giants
Saturday, December 13, 2008
COMMUNICATE!
i'm still so tired.
i slept until almost noon today.
worked for awhile. i was going to workout at home tonight, since my parent's aren't home, but i dont know if i have the energy.
i've only been awake for 6 hours.... this is ridiculous.
Other news- My mom never informed me we were going to my brothers on the 23rd and to my aunts on the 26th - to see my cousin who lives in chicago. and ryann, jos, and the girls will be there on the 23rd and casey and robert will be home for the 26th.
but i didnt' know about this stuff going on, so i had made plans to go to nathan's family thing on the 26th.
and i never told Nathan, so hes working the 23rd, so he can't come now.
depending on what time things happen on the 26th, i might need to skip out on Nathan's family- which i really don't want to have to do.
i wish mom had told me this. i only know becase casey sent everyone involved a message on facebook about it.
so my sister, three time zones away tells me, and not my mom, who lives in the same house.
lovely.
i slept until almost noon today.
worked for awhile. i was going to workout at home tonight, since my parent's aren't home, but i dont know if i have the energy.
i've only been awake for 6 hours.... this is ridiculous.
Other news- My mom never informed me we were going to my brothers on the 23rd and to my aunts on the 26th - to see my cousin who lives in chicago. and ryann, jos, and the girls will be there on the 23rd and casey and robert will be home for the 26th.
but i didnt' know about this stuff going on, so i had made plans to go to nathan's family thing on the 26th.
and i never told Nathan, so hes working the 23rd, so he can't come now.
depending on what time things happen on the 26th, i might need to skip out on Nathan's family- which i really don't want to have to do.
i wish mom had told me this. i only know becase casey sent everyone involved a message on facebook about it.
so my sister, three time zones away tells me, and not my mom, who lives in the same house.
lovely.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Anger
so i guess i know now what had been building up for the last little while.
i just spent a good hour in my room crying my eyes out.
i sat down on my bed, about to read a little, when everything just hit me, like it would at Roger's, and i couldn't stop crying.
i shouldn't be surprised.
the last month or so has been nothing but school.
the last couple weeks, all about finals, the week before that, panic attacks.
something had been building. but i never let myself slow down enough to feel it. i'm good at doing that. keep busy, and you don't have to think about life.
it still surprises me how these few things stick with me. still bother me.
i had new realizations tonight, which surprise me, too.
there's a lot of anger inside of me still.
a lot of hurt.
a lot of resentment.
a lot of pain.
a lot of haunting memories.
memories of everything. pain, fear, darkness.
so vivid.
it's still raw.
very raw.
i guess ive never fully gotten it outside of me.
the anger.
i've always taken it out on myself.
angry? cut myself
angry? don't eat
angry? go lose 30 pounds.
there's always been a lot of factors that drove what i've done. a lot of different things that fueled the cutting and the ED.
but one thing has always been a constant--- anger.
the red, sore, bleeding cuts to me just screamed anger. angry red lines. angry pain. angry scars.
the pain in my stomach, the hunger, that screamed anger, too.
the bones, the more they stuck out, the louder they screamed anger.
i guess it makes sense, that now i'm not turning to those behaviors, that I'M going to be the one feeling the anger first hand.
it was always my body feeling the anger. it was never my mind.
i'd been protecting myself.
so now what?
i just spent a good hour in my room crying my eyes out.
i sat down on my bed, about to read a little, when everything just hit me, like it would at Roger's, and i couldn't stop crying.
i shouldn't be surprised.
the last month or so has been nothing but school.
the last couple weeks, all about finals, the week before that, panic attacks.
something had been building. but i never let myself slow down enough to feel it. i'm good at doing that. keep busy, and you don't have to think about life.
it still surprises me how these few things stick with me. still bother me.
i had new realizations tonight, which surprise me, too.
there's a lot of anger inside of me still.
a lot of hurt.
a lot of resentment.
a lot of pain.
a lot of haunting memories.
memories of everything. pain, fear, darkness.
so vivid.
it's still raw.
very raw.
i guess ive never fully gotten it outside of me.
the anger.
i've always taken it out on myself.
angry? cut myself
angry? don't eat
angry? go lose 30 pounds.
there's always been a lot of factors that drove what i've done. a lot of different things that fueled the cutting and the ED.
but one thing has always been a constant--- anger.
the red, sore, bleeding cuts to me just screamed anger. angry red lines. angry pain. angry scars.
the pain in my stomach, the hunger, that screamed anger, too.
the bones, the more they stuck out, the louder they screamed anger.
i guess it makes sense, that now i'm not turning to those behaviors, that I'M going to be the one feeling the anger first hand.
it was always my body feeling the anger. it was never my mind.
i'd been protecting myself.
so now what?
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
done with biochem
biochem final wasn't too bad. all of the things i thought would be short answers, were indeed short answers. and the things i didn't go over, ended up NOT being short answers! i still don't remember bilirubin synthesis or heme synthesis regulation. the bilirubin question was a SA question, actually- but it was one where we could either answer that or part B, which was about DNA repair, which was super easy.
he messed up ont he numbering (there were two #3s for the short answer part), so i think he accidently added 6 extra points. so that means there was a possibility of getting 126 out of 100 points...
i think it was okay.
it might be a little pathetic, but i'm going to miss that class.
i went to the gym (FINALLY) after the exam, then rushed home to go to my appt. with Susan, only to find out that she's on vacation. so i have no idea when my next appt is, because the lady there didn't know and i could have sworn it was today.
so i went to work for a couple hours, but i was tired and had a headache and couldn't focus so i came home. i need to study micro all night. but ive been up since 6 and fell asleep around 2, and my brain is fried from this morning.
i'm glad i'm going to have my biochem prof again next semester.
i really like how he teaches.
we were talking to him today after the final and i said how i liked the class, even though it was really hard, and he said that he would just be jipping us if he made it easy. i totally agree.
tess is going to be able to manage biochem in med school fairly easily, because our prof used the med school biochem book. and he made us know it inside and out.
same with clinical immunology that i have next semester with him.
i'm kind of upset with Susan.
I had called her during one of those stupid panic attacks a couple weeks back and she never called back. and now she's gone when i had written down my appt was on the 9th.
i could have used therapy today. it would have been really good timing.
ok. im taking a break and doing nothing that requires brain energy until 6.
at 6, i will lock myself in my room and study bacteria until i can't stand it anymore or fall asleep.
my micro final isn't until 3:30, so i have plenty of time tomorrow, too.
almost done. almost done. almost done.
he messed up ont he numbering (there were two #3s for the short answer part), so i think he accidently added 6 extra points. so that means there was a possibility of getting 126 out of 100 points...
i think it was okay.
it might be a little pathetic, but i'm going to miss that class.
i went to the gym (FINALLY) after the exam, then rushed home to go to my appt. with Susan, only to find out that she's on vacation. so i have no idea when my next appt is, because the lady there didn't know and i could have sworn it was today.
so i went to work for a couple hours, but i was tired and had a headache and couldn't focus so i came home. i need to study micro all night. but ive been up since 6 and fell asleep around 2, and my brain is fried from this morning.
i'm glad i'm going to have my biochem prof again next semester.
i really like how he teaches.
we were talking to him today after the final and i said how i liked the class, even though it was really hard, and he said that he would just be jipping us if he made it easy. i totally agree.
tess is going to be able to manage biochem in med school fairly easily, because our prof used the med school biochem book. and he made us know it inside and out.
same with clinical immunology that i have next semester with him.
i'm kind of upset with Susan.
I had called her during one of those stupid panic attacks a couple weeks back and she never called back. and now she's gone when i had written down my appt was on the 9th.
i could have used therapy today. it would have been really good timing.
ok. im taking a break and doing nothing that requires brain energy until 6.
at 6, i will lock myself in my room and study bacteria until i can't stand it anymore or fall asleep.
my micro final isn't until 3:30, so i have plenty of time tomorrow, too.
almost done. almost done. almost done.
Monday, December 8, 2008
finals
I love school, but finals... they're not a good idea.
biochem final tomorrow.
i keep going back and forth on how i feel about it.
i know i have a lot of things down really well.
and i know the things i'm still shakey on... so i know i should just focus on those shakey areas, but i keep avoiding them for some reason. it's annoying.
i had more coffee at 330 today.
i'm still tired.
i'm burning out but i have a lot more to do tonight for tomorrow, and as soon as biochem is over, then i have to cram for micro...
it'll be nice when all of this is over.
i have to go to Mass tonight at 7.
i should make it my goal to study really hard until i have to leave.
but my heart just isn't in it right now.
biochem final tomorrow.
i keep going back and forth on how i feel about it.
i know i have a lot of things down really well.
and i know the things i'm still shakey on... so i know i should just focus on those shakey areas, but i keep avoiding them for some reason. it's annoying.
i had more coffee at 330 today.
i'm still tired.
i'm burning out but i have a lot more to do tonight for tomorrow, and as soon as biochem is over, then i have to cram for micro...
it'll be nice when all of this is over.
i have to go to Mass tonight at 7.
i should make it my goal to study really hard until i have to leave.
but my heart just isn't in it right now.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
ready for bed
i'm so tired it's retarded.
i could take a nap- or just go to bed for the night, and it's 4pm.
oh wait, didn't i do that yesterday?
SERIOUSLY.
extra coffee and everything.
but does my body care?
NO!
stupid body.
i could take a nap- or just go to bed for the night, and it's 4pm.
oh wait, didn't i do that yesterday?
SERIOUSLY.
extra coffee and everything.
but does my body care?
NO!
stupid body.
distracting
So after that last post yesterday, I went upstairs to study and ended up falling asleep until almost 9pm.
I got up, hoping I'd be up to studying for a little while. Well, that wasn't the case, so I took rozerem and went back to bed, and woke up at 9am, only because of my alarm going off. I easily could have slept for a few more hours.
So I lost yesterday for studying. Which is annoying.
But I really needed that sleep.
Today I've been studying biochem and micro off and on.
I don't feel as solid w. biochem as i did with the last exam. But that's probably because I have been sleeping instead of studying... Ugh.
It's already 1:30...
This stinks.
Dad is SO annoying.
I would be okay with him leaving the house today.
I think it's time for headphones and loud music to drown everything out.
Between dad accusing me of being a bad notetaker (???) and dad's whistling and his pacing the house (must he shuffle his feet?) and humming to himself, and mom with the TV on loud because they're old now... it gets aggrivating.
-deep breath-
i'm not stressed.
... right?
I got up, hoping I'd be up to studying for a little while. Well, that wasn't the case, so I took rozerem and went back to bed, and woke up at 9am, only because of my alarm going off. I easily could have slept for a few more hours.
So I lost yesterday for studying. Which is annoying.
But I really needed that sleep.
Today I've been studying biochem and micro off and on.
I don't feel as solid w. biochem as i did with the last exam. But that's probably because I have been sleeping instead of studying... Ugh.
It's already 1:30...
This stinks.
Dad is SO annoying.
I would be okay with him leaving the house today.
I think it's time for headphones and loud music to drown everything out.
Between dad accusing me of being a bad notetaker (???) and dad's whistling and his pacing the house (must he shuffle his feet?) and humming to himself, and mom with the TV on loud because they're old now... it gets aggrivating.
-deep breath-
i'm not stressed.
... right?
Friday, December 5, 2008
tired
i'm completely exhausted again today.
i went right home after lab this morning. skipped the gym and yoga.
i need to study but my eyes want to close.
this is frustrating.
it's not a typical everyday tiredness.
my bones are tired.
this feels like CFIDS tired.
i went right home after lab this morning. skipped the gym and yoga.
i need to study but my eyes want to close.
this is frustrating.
it's not a typical everyday tiredness.
my bones are tired.
this feels like CFIDS tired.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
sensitive
I'm way too sensitive to other people's emotions.
i don't know how to change that.
but i really, really need to.
it's not helping.
i don't know how to change that.
but i really, really need to.
it's not helping.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
almost over
Just got out of microbio lab. Finished my unknowns and identified all of the bacteria i had. I think I had 12 or 13 total, I can't remember.
Had my last micro lecture tonight.
Tomorrow is the last lecture for biochem. We still have 5 1/2 chapters to cover... that should be interesting.
Tomorrow is my last class for issues in health care- and i have to do a group presentation- which i'm NOT looking forward to.
i HATE HATE HATE talking in front of people.
Seriously.
i dont like people!!!
thats why i want to work in a LAB and work with bacteria and viruses all day.
if i wanted to work with people i'd be doing something else.
oy.
3 finals next week.
and then i'm done.
amazing.
now all i have to do is find the motivation to study...
Had my last micro lecture tonight.
Tomorrow is the last lecture for biochem. We still have 5 1/2 chapters to cover... that should be interesting.
Tomorrow is my last class for issues in health care- and i have to do a group presentation- which i'm NOT looking forward to.
i HATE HATE HATE talking in front of people.
Seriously.
i dont like people!!!
thats why i want to work in a LAB and work with bacteria and viruses all day.
if i wanted to work with people i'd be doing something else.
oy.
3 finals next week.
and then i'm done.
amazing.
now all i have to do is find the motivation to study...
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