numb

i hope this passes.

soon.

weird

i don't feel sick, but i don't feel right.

i'm too tired. i'm too out of it.
maybe it's my moods.
but my energy crashed before my mood did.
so that doesn't seem to fit.

whatever it is, i need to figure out how to focus and study.
i have too much to do.

i need to figure out how to exercise while feeling this way, too.

Decisions

i don't know what to do.

or rather, as mom just put it, in my heart I know what to do- i just don't want to admit it to myself and actually do it.

i don't want to drop pathology.
i really don't.
i've been looking forward to this class.
i was so fricking excited when i got to sign up for it.

i like the class. i like the prof., and everything is fascinating to me.
but, there is a lot of material.

microbio is semi interesting and a lot of material
and biochem is... not fun and even more material.

plus i found out yesterday that i have to write a 10pg paper for microbio and i have a group presentation in my issues in healthcare class coming up.

i don't know.

mom said i should drop it- for my mental and physical health.
nathan said i should drop it- for a lot of reasons.

inside i feel like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum.
I DON'T WANT TO DROP IT!!!

i always feel like such a failure if i drop a class. i feel like i'm wasting time if i'm only taking 12 credits. why should i only do the bare minimum if i could do more?
i already had to drop TAing last winter. i dropped physics over the summer.
this is killing me.

i don't know if or when i'll have another chance to take pathology.
i'm requried to take biochem and micro, so those aren't options to drop.

positives of dropping:
more time to study for biochem, micro, write the paper, meet w. my group
will be able to go to 2 more yoga classes if my workload allows.. giving me 3-4 instead of only 1-2 days/ week... and i really need yoga right now.
i wont have a patho exam and biochem exam within a day of eachother (same prof- all of his exams are at the same time..)
more time to go to work.
more time to sleep.
more time to spend with nathan and other friends.
less stress mentally, so the risk of relapsing would be reduced.

i know, i know.

I'm just not ready to admit it, yet. because the decision i think i have to make isn't the decision i want to make.

i hate feeling defeated.
i hate being too weak to handle things.
i hate giving in.

More of the same.

today i was just as tired as i had been. just by walking up the stairs to the 3rd floor for lab, or up the stairs at the rec- my legs felt like they were on fire. so tired. yoga wasn't bad today. my legs felt tired in camel, but that it. we didn't hold too many lunging poses, though, so maybe that's why. i got on the arc trainer after that, and had it on a super low resistance and could barely do anything. my legs were screaming at me with fatigue. this is the shitty painful tired i used to have all of the time. i hate it.

of course, when i finally have permission to exercise more... my body isn't letting me.


microbio lab tonight wasn't bad. we looked at all of the slides we stained on monday and determined if they were gram pos. or neg., and what type of bacteria they were. out of 11 slides, we figured out 9 of them. 2 we couldn't see anything. they might have washed away while we stained them? (they weren't the slides i stained, thankfully- we have 'pods' of four people that work together on this). we have Jessica, Nicole, Amanda and me. they're all seniors (real seniors- i'm just a 4th year out of 5 psudo-senior) and had more experience w. microscopes than i had (which was practically nothing), so that helped me in learning how to use them properly.

Yesterday, Casey gave me her twilight books she read on the airplane.
i'm 200 pages in already.
i could have read for microbio, but twilight is mindless reading. and i'm too tired for anything other than that right now.

i hope i'm more awake tomorrow.
this is getting annoying.

drained

i have been so incredibly tired all day today. and the last few days.
i was ready to go to bed around 4pm, but everyone was over so that wasn't exactly an option.
i layed on the couch for a long time with my eyes closed just listening to the conversations.

my birthday was good.
i got a few really nerdy things, like an anatomy puzzle and a glow in the dark 12 inch tall skeleton that you put together. plus nathan gave me my favorite laundry detergent (wisk, original scent)! i can't wait to do laundry now.



i wish i didn't have to set my alarm in the morning. i feel like i could sleep for days.

Too critical

I need to start writing more.

I think I've stopped writing so much because a lot of days, I don't have much to write about except for what I happened to do that day. And somehow writing that isn't good enough for me. I have to stop being so critical of what I write. There is no right or wrong when it comes to a journal. This is my space to write whatever I want to write. If it's entries full of mundane things, then fine.
So I've decided to try to write something everyday, even if it's meaningless events of the day, just to get back in the habit of writing again. Either here, my livejournal, or my paper journals. Just... something. i used to write pages and pages everyday. my online journals- i'd have up to 6 entries a day. now... i'm lucky if it's once a week.

I have it in my head that my journals and what I write has to be perfect.
how is that even possible?
so no wonder I have hardly been writing.

perfectionism leads to procrastination leads to paralysis.

so true.


So today.
Had medical biochem this morning. It isn't too bad so far. It will get bad soon, though.
went the gym. but felt really off. i couldn't put a good effort into anything i was doing. i hate when that happens.
when i got home, mom asked if i was feeling alright because I look really pale.
"i'm always pale"
"no, more pale that normal. you look white."

I don't know.
My body never fully feels fine, so it's hard to tell when i'm getting sick.

Lisa emailed me and asked if I'd want to increase my exercise. she told me how much i could increase it without having to increase food intake.
awesome.
i hope it helps.
i hope i feel well enough to actually do it.
i emailed her back and asked her how long it should take for my body to trust me that i won't start starving again.
i'm trying to be patient but this is getting annoying.
July 6th. I haven't restricted since then.
So... what's the deal?


i should go upstairs and study a little before everyone gets here.
once they do, studying will go out the window.
i kind of hate my birthday.

Trust

Classes today were fun.
Normally labs stress me out, but this one isn't bad at all. None of our lab days are graded- only our exams- which in a way kind of sucks, but it takes the pressure off during lab days and lets me actually relax and learn instead of worrying about doing everything perfectly for a grade.

Last week, I took a bacteria sample from the floor of the lab, but the dish today was clear. Apparently we have really clean floors at school.

Casey's home!
Her and mom are watching Matlock. Dad's still in his class.
My books finally came today, so I kind of want to go upstairs and study. But I don't need to do anything for tomorrow, and it's been a long day, so I don't think I will.

I'm not sure if I'll have a chance to tomorrow, though. A lot of people will be over for birthday festivities... o.O

Haven't let my frustrations derail my eating.
I figure messing up now will only delay progress even more.
Which is the last thing I want or need, at this point.
I just... have to trust.

Failure

I wish that I had the same clarity that I had yesterday.
I don't.
But that's natural, I suppose.
I just get frustrated with this whole process. I wish I could say, "okay, I'm recovered" and POOF! my body is back to normal.
It's hard to keep going when you don't see any progress. I'm on a weight loss meal plan? Umm... I wouldn't have thought that. The numbers all make sense. It should work.
What's hard is that I know what would work. I know what did work. Less than 200 calories. and then run for miles. everyday. it works. the efforts i put in back then... they worked.

it's sad that i can miss that. miss blacking out. miss being dizzy. miss having my stomach constantly growling at me. miss being painfully exhusted. miss being shakey and foggy and yet somehow always alert and on top of things. miss having bruises all over from having no padding on my body. miss counting my ribs-- seeing each one. miss needing clothes from the girls department. miss having my hair fall out and have lanugo grow all over.
great fun that was. a real blast.
hardly. but somehow I thrived on that. i got kick ass grades that semester and dealt with that stupid david fiasco and I somehow did it all on not eating.
i lived on air, water, and caffeine. and it was such a rush.
i got smaller and smaller, and it drove me to keep going.
feeling empty felt safe. feeling full was foreign to me. i hated it. if i was full, then i wanted it out. i was painfully aware of every calorie each bite contained, and i had to be. or else i didn't feel safe.

i was asked if i was happy back then. and really- i honestly was. i felt comfortable and secure. i felt okay in my body. i knew i was thin- i just didn't think i was thin enough. life was predictable. i knew that when i woke up, i'd feel hungry. i knew that i'd make coffee and drink that and leave for school. i knew that i'd be hungry in class. and that after class i'd go to the gym to run. i knew that i'd be dizzy. i knew that i'd have to hide the fact i wasn't eating. i knew that i'd be tired. i knew that i had things to study and papers to write. i knew that i'd go to bed and be hungry. and i knew that if i did everything right, then the scale would tell me a smaller number than the day before.
it all made sense.


now?
i don't know.

i guess i'm healthier and stronger. my mind isn't foggy.
but this isn't predictable. i don't feel right in my body anymore. i want to claw at my own skin and escape.

it's the whole recovery process... the refeeding and stomach problems. the body image problems. the fact that my body doesn't respond like it should to a meal plan.

time.
i know it takes time.

i know that i can't say "oops, i have osteopenia and fractures from that? sorry, my bad!" and have it simply disappear because i want it to.



i'm just getting tired of not seeing my work pay off at the end of the day.
i know i'm stronger and healthier, but in the ED world- strength and health were always negative things.
being healthy meant not being thin. recovery meant failing. strength was being able to live on air and water and still run 10 miles. perseverence was getting four 4.0s and a 3.9 while starving.

and those thoughts haven't completely disappeared yet.


i still feel like a failure for doing so well in recovery.

clarity

I met with Lisa today. I was weighed, but didn't ask to know. Especially since I've probably gained muscle since last time I saw her since I've been lifting weights and started practicing yoga regularly. But... knowing it's muscle doesn't change the fact I won't like it if the number has gone up. So I'd just rather not even know right now.
I've been doing pretty well with eating. I'm proud of myself. i've come a really long way.

sometimes, i still get jealous of all of the skinny girls i see, but have to remind myself that every one is different. every body is formed differently. and everyone has their own story. my body is the way it is because of the ED. that's the simple truth of the matter. i can't change that fact. i don't know why their bodies are the way they are. maybe they have issues of their own. or maybe they are like Ryann and it's natural. maybe they're just very healthy and active and haven't damaged their bodies with an ED, and so actually look athetic.
i hope i look athetic again one day.

in the mean time, i have to accept where i am at. i have to be thankful for the body that i have and treat it well so that it lasts a long time.
i have to respect it. and admire it for what it can do for me. It can get me into basic and crazy yoga poses. and each day it can go further into a pose. it can get stronger. it's flexible and can gain flexibility. it doesn't confine me to stillness; i can move and walk and soon- run and dance. With it's fingers, I can make music. with it's voice, i can sing, and i can talk, and i can make myself heard. it lets me help people. It provides me a brain with which i can learn and excell in school and in a future career.

through my body, i can love and be loved.
With my body, i can learn, i can feel, i can help, i can laugh, i can cry, i can grow, i can heal, i can praise God, i can connect with my mind, i can breathe, i can love, i can live.

all of these things do not depend on the size of my body.

but they do require health, nutrition and self-respect.

and that i can control.

Try and try again

i had been doing extremely well.
but no one is perfect.
even if i try to be.


Nathan came to Mass with me today and he said he really liked it. Which is pretty awesome.
Spent the rest of the day hanging out. Went over stuff for anatomy lab. Quizzed him on the upper limb section, especially the forearms, and then started on the head/neck section. with BRAINS!
i love brains!

after dinner we watch the prestige.
he hadn't seen it before.
it was the 4th time i saw it, and i keep catching more and more things.
it's wonderfully done. i love that movie.

tomorrow i have to pack, go to the gym, work and maybe hang out with Lynne. Not sure about lynne yet, though. we may have to put that off until i get back from tennesee.
jessica wanted to hang out too.
so, who knows.

time for bed, i guess.
i should have taken rozerem.
oops.

hard not to compare

seriously. rozerem is my new best friend.
im so thankful for sleep. it makes me so much... calmer.

friday wasn't too bad. my appt. w. Lisa went really well. She weighed me, but I didn't let her tell me. my MP was decreased a little. snacks are more structured and aren't based on calorie exchanges, so that helps too.
that helps my nerves.

what's been hard is having Ryann here. She's so damn thin. and it's all natural. she eats whatever, and aside from chasing a 4 and a 1 year old around all day, she never exercises. but she's so tiny. tall and tiny.
so whenever i start to think maybe i'm not so bad, i see her and think "shit, i'm huge".
i miss being tiny.
i'm not the jealous type. at least i try not to be. i really try. but it's so hard not to be jealous of that.
that she doesn't have to constantly think about it. that she doesn't have to count exchanges and plan ahead and choose one thing over anohter just because she'd go over an exchange allowance. or because she can go throughout her day without worrying about it.
she eats whatever and does whatever and is so thin. and it's okay for her to be thin, but it isn't okay for me? that's not fair. it's just not fair.
why do i have to work so hard at it? and not even get that way unless i stop eating.
yes, i have more muscle than her, but still. it's not all muscle.

but anyway, i've had two days of following my new MP. no more, no less.
i actually felt a tiny bit hungry today! amazing! it's nice to actually be hungry when i have to eat and not constantly feel completely full.

i'm kind of nervous about tennessee. not knowing what meals will be like.
i'm trying not to think about it.

i should get to bed.
rozerem is making me sleeeeeeepy.
but in a natural way. not a druged up-hallucination-freakout kind of a way.
i just feel sleepy.
and i can just sleep.
it's a really wonderful concept.

trapped

people need to fricken get out of our house.

I love them all dearly. i really do.
but i can't go anywhere or do anything without someone there.
sure, i have my room. but going up to my room makes me feel so trapped and clasterphobic when I know all of my other options are gone.

i dont know when i'm really going to get a chance to be alone.
i have the drive to my appt. with Lisa tomorrow. and... that's about it.
tomorrow, joseph's parents are coming over in the afternoon for dinner.
saturday i have work, the gym, then my grandparents are coming over.
sunday, ryann and them leave, which will suck (even if i want the house to myself.... another contradiction in my life, eh?). i'm going to Mass with Nathan, which will be really nice. i dont know what else is going on sunday.
monday i'm going to meet up with my yoga teacher, Lynne. which will be cool- i haven't seen her since last spring.
then i have work and packing.
tuesday early morning i leave w. Nathan to go to tennessee to stay at his aunt and uncles house. so i'll be around all of them constantly until friday when we come home.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i need alone time.
i really do.
i'm going crazy in this head of mine.

and natalie won't stop screaming. and their bedroom is right next to mine.
and so who knows when i'll fall asleep tonight.


really. i do love them all.
but i need time to think.
i need time to process.
i need time to just eat alone and not deal with people ALWAYS around me.
i'm so tired and so drained from eating in front of all of these people all of the time, and i just want to do my own thing.
maybe i'll change my mind in the morning.
i think right now, i'm just really tired and trying not to spaz out.
because the stress and craziness i'm feeling inside me with all of these people around is causing really really really really really strong cutting urges.
because i just need SOMETHING.


ok. so my parents have a tv in their room.
why are they both down here watching it here.
why don't they go upstairs in their room and watch that, so that i can just go and be alone for a half hour and watch something by myself?
LEAVE ME ALONE!
I feel so confined. so trapped.
i can't go anywhere. i can't do anything.
if i go in there and sit down and watch the stupid olympics and be fine, it's not going to happen.
i'm just going to freak out and end up going upstairs and probably be so worked up i'll want to cut even more. i know it. so why bother trying?
but i dont' feel like going to sleep yet.
and i'm not in the frame of mind to read.
so going upstairs is just... being trapped.
it isn't escaping.

i need to get out of here.

Sisters

Since when can I talk to Casey more easily than Ryann? This is strange. I talked to Casey a lot more while at Rogers, and since I've been home. She knows more about my treatment and everything than Ryann does. I never talked to Ryann while I was there. We talked a little bit today while she was nursing Natty, but that's it.
I realize it's busy right now. Everyone is coming and going, and this trip was really short notice and the girls are running around adjusting. It's just weird.
Casey is coming home Sept. 8-12! She'll be here for my birthday. It'll just be her- Robert doesn't have vacation days yet since he only recently started this new job. Casey has a lot left, and a lot of frequent flyer miles and she needs to use them up soon before they expire. I'm excited for her to come. Hopefully I won't be too bogged down with school. It'll be the second week... so it's hard to say.

Uncle Jay and grandpa should be here soon. They leave from here to go up north to my grandpa's house. Nathan should be here soon, too.
I'm excited to see Uncle Jay. It's been way too long. Colorado is too far away.

OHOH OH! Speaking of too far away---- Joseph might be getting transferred to MICHIGAN!!!! The place he'd be working is only 20-30 minutes away, depending on traffic.
AHHHHH!!!!! Ryann might actually be moving back home!!!!!!
I really really really hope he gets the job here. How awesome would be to be within an hour of Ryann and the girls!
That would be so awesome if I could watch them grow up.
I've only seen Natalie a few times and she's already a year old. It sucks.
I'm super excited about this.
I really want my sister back.

Surprise visit

Surprise, surprise! Ryann, Joseph and the girls are home!
Joseph's great uncle died yesterday, so they're home until Sunday.
They were here when I got home from the gym.

Natalie is a little cranky- didn't have a nap today. But she's cute and getting so frickin big, I can't even believe it.
Avery is fun. I've already read Bats at the Beach to her, as promised.
My uncle Jay is home from Colorado for a couple days, too. We were all going to do something tonight but it fell through.
We're all just staying home tonight. Brandon and Jenny, and Nathan are coming over for dinner and to just hang out. We're having pizza tonight... can't even tell you the last time I had that. Kind of nervous. I emailed Lisa, asking how to count that w. exchanges, and she already replied, so I feel better now that I don't have to guess.

Uncle Jay, aunt ruth, grandpa and maybe Brandon, Jenny and Nathan will come over here for lunch tomorrow instead of doing something tonight. I haven't seen Uncle Jay in a really long time, so I'm excited to see him.

Nathan should be here soon, and I want to go play with Avery some more so I'm off.

Starting Over

Do I really need another place to write? Probably not, but what's the harm, right?

My life is so different now. I see a line between before Rogers and after Rogers.
It's weird not being in school, too. I'm really looking forward to going back in a couple of weeks.

Recovery... is hard. I'm working at it.
Sunday was the first day I restricted anything- and even that wasn't too bad. It was more that it was a weird day, schedule wise, so when I got off a little I didn't want to deal with it.

I finally get to get off the maintence plan and onto a healthy weight-loss one. Since I've gained weight whlie on the "maintaince" plan. I guess my metabolism was that bad? But because I've done so well, my exercise gets to increase a little bit more and my MP gets to decrease a little and she's going to work with me on getting me back to my pre-relapse weight. which is awesome.
Lisa, my dietician, is really helping me. Way more than my new therapist.
I'm trying to figure out why I need to see a therapist? I go in there with no huge issue I need help with.
Today we talked a little about how I can't relax when dad is home. I haven't ever been able to. Neither can mom, casey, ryann, etc. So how is talking to her about it going to change anything? That's just the way our family works; dad makes everyone tense.

I don't know.
it seems pointless.
I'll probably lessen the frequency a lot once school starts.
Lisa helps so much and I have other support, so it isn't like seeing Susan is crucial.
I'm still trying to figure out what the point is.