trapped

people need to fricken get out of our house.

I love them all dearly. i really do.
but i can't go anywhere or do anything without someone there.
sure, i have my room. but going up to my room makes me feel so trapped and clasterphobic when I know all of my other options are gone.

i dont know when i'm really going to get a chance to be alone.
i have the drive to my appt. with Lisa tomorrow. and... that's about it.
tomorrow, joseph's parents are coming over in the afternoon for dinner.
saturday i have work, the gym, then my grandparents are coming over.
sunday, ryann and them leave, which will suck (even if i want the house to myself.... another contradiction in my life, eh?). i'm going to Mass with Nathan, which will be really nice. i dont know what else is going on sunday.
monday i'm going to meet up with my yoga teacher, Lynne. which will be cool- i haven't seen her since last spring.
then i have work and packing.
tuesday early morning i leave w. Nathan to go to tennessee to stay at his aunt and uncles house. so i'll be around all of them constantly until friday when we come home.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i need alone time.
i really do.
i'm going crazy in this head of mine.

and natalie won't stop screaming. and their bedroom is right next to mine.
and so who knows when i'll fall asleep tonight.


really. i do love them all.
but i need time to think.
i need time to process.
i need time to just eat alone and not deal with people ALWAYS around me.
i'm so tired and so drained from eating in front of all of these people all of the time, and i just want to do my own thing.
maybe i'll change my mind in the morning.
i think right now, i'm just really tired and trying not to spaz out.
because the stress and craziness i'm feeling inside me with all of these people around is causing really really really really really strong cutting urges.
because i just need SOMETHING.


ok. so my parents have a tv in their room.
why are they both down here watching it here.
why don't they go upstairs in their room and watch that, so that i can just go and be alone for a half hour and watch something by myself?
LEAVE ME ALONE!
I feel so confined. so trapped.
i can't go anywhere. i can't do anything.
if i go in there and sit down and watch the stupid olympics and be fine, it's not going to happen.
i'm just going to freak out and end up going upstairs and probably be so worked up i'll want to cut even more. i know it. so why bother trying?
but i dont' feel like going to sleep yet.
and i'm not in the frame of mind to read.
so going upstairs is just... being trapped.
it isn't escaping.

i need to get out of here.