hard not to compare

seriously. rozerem is my new best friend.
im so thankful for sleep. it makes me so much... calmer.

friday wasn't too bad. my appt. w. Lisa went really well. She weighed me, but I didn't let her tell me. my MP was decreased a little. snacks are more structured and aren't based on calorie exchanges, so that helps too.
that helps my nerves.

what's been hard is having Ryann here. She's so damn thin. and it's all natural. she eats whatever, and aside from chasing a 4 and a 1 year old around all day, she never exercises. but she's so tiny. tall and tiny.
so whenever i start to think maybe i'm not so bad, i see her and think "shit, i'm huge".
i miss being tiny.
i'm not the jealous type. at least i try not to be. i really try. but it's so hard not to be jealous of that.
that she doesn't have to constantly think about it. that she doesn't have to count exchanges and plan ahead and choose one thing over anohter just because she'd go over an exchange allowance. or because she can go throughout her day without worrying about it.
she eats whatever and does whatever and is so thin. and it's okay for her to be thin, but it isn't okay for me? that's not fair. it's just not fair.
why do i have to work so hard at it? and not even get that way unless i stop eating.
yes, i have more muscle than her, but still. it's not all muscle.

but anyway, i've had two days of following my new MP. no more, no less.
i actually felt a tiny bit hungry today! amazing! it's nice to actually be hungry when i have to eat and not constantly feel completely full.

i'm kind of nervous about tennessee. not knowing what meals will be like.
i'm trying not to think about it.

i should get to bed.
rozerem is making me sleeeeeeepy.
but in a natural way. not a druged up-hallucination-freakout kind of a way.
i just feel sleepy.
and i can just sleep.
it's a really wonderful concept.