waiting

had my bone density scan today.

i dont know how many times and in how many ways i had to say i did not want my wrist scanned before they finally let me not have it done.

all i had last summer was my hip and my spine. all my dr needs to know is if there has been improvement within this year. since i have no previous results of my wrist denisty, that would mean nothing.

besides, i don't go running on my hands.

the lady didn't believe me that I didn't have my wrist scanned last summer. then she asked how many stress fractures i've had. and i said "a lot". she needed me to be more specific (why, i have no idea). so i said 4 in my femurs. "are you sure in your femurs?" "yes" "how far apart were those." "all within a year" "you're sure it was your femurs?" "Yes."
She asked how many in my tibias. i just laughed at her. I have no idea. I lost track. I said probably 3 or 4 in the last couple years but that i used to get them a lot back when i was actually running a lot (and im not confusing them with shin splints). i told her about my 3rd metatarsel fracture when i was 17, too.

When i was leaving she asked "now, you're sure it was your femurs?"

Ok, seriously? I had already told her I had osteopenia. Her job is doing this test, so I'm sure she's seen people come in with stress fractures all over the place. If i have weak bones, why is it THAT hard to believe it was my femurs?
No lady, i meant fibula. i have no concept of anatomy.

anyway.
i was fighting back tears the whole time i was there. i was so NERVOUS. i still am.
i have to wait until next Friday- a full week- before I see my dr again.

There are 4 possible outcomes:

1) My bones are weaker than last year. Very very unlikely. But I would be completely unconsolable.

2) My bones are the same as last year. Is a possibility. Pretty much unconsolable with this outcome, too.

3) My bones are stronger, but still osteopenic. Better than Outcomes 1 and 2, because at least there will be improvement- which gives me some hope. I will still be upset though, if it means I can't run.

4) My bones are no longer osteopenic and I have the green light to run. Obviously, the best Outcome. But I fear this is as unlikely as Outcome 1. It's been one year. How much can bones change in one year?


I'm trying to relax.
But I'm just so nervous.


I don't have the strength in me to be dealt another blow of bad news. I'm already broken from my neurologist appt.
I can't handle any more.