Try and try again

i had been doing extremely well.
but no one is perfect.
even if i try to be.


Nathan came to Mass with me today and he said he really liked it. Which is pretty awesome.
Spent the rest of the day hanging out. Went over stuff for anatomy lab. Quizzed him on the upper limb section, especially the forearms, and then started on the head/neck section. with BRAINS!
i love brains!

after dinner we watch the prestige.
he hadn't seen it before.
it was the 4th time i saw it, and i keep catching more and more things.
it's wonderfully done. i love that movie.

tomorrow i have to pack, go to the gym, work and maybe hang out with Lynne. Not sure about lynne yet, though. we may have to put that off until i get back from tennesee.
jessica wanted to hang out too.
so, who knows.

time for bed, i guess.
i should have taken rozerem.
oops.

hard not to compare

seriously. rozerem is my new best friend.
im so thankful for sleep. it makes me so much... calmer.

friday wasn't too bad. my appt. w. Lisa went really well. She weighed me, but I didn't let her tell me. my MP was decreased a little. snacks are more structured and aren't based on calorie exchanges, so that helps too.
that helps my nerves.

what's been hard is having Ryann here. She's so damn thin. and it's all natural. she eats whatever, and aside from chasing a 4 and a 1 year old around all day, she never exercises. but she's so tiny. tall and tiny.
so whenever i start to think maybe i'm not so bad, i see her and think "shit, i'm huge".
i miss being tiny.
i'm not the jealous type. at least i try not to be. i really try. but it's so hard not to be jealous of that.
that she doesn't have to constantly think about it. that she doesn't have to count exchanges and plan ahead and choose one thing over anohter just because she'd go over an exchange allowance. or because she can go throughout her day without worrying about it.
she eats whatever and does whatever and is so thin. and it's okay for her to be thin, but it isn't okay for me? that's not fair. it's just not fair.
why do i have to work so hard at it? and not even get that way unless i stop eating.
yes, i have more muscle than her, but still. it's not all muscle.

but anyway, i've had two days of following my new MP. no more, no less.
i actually felt a tiny bit hungry today! amazing! it's nice to actually be hungry when i have to eat and not constantly feel completely full.

i'm kind of nervous about tennessee. not knowing what meals will be like.
i'm trying not to think about it.

i should get to bed.
rozerem is making me sleeeeeeepy.
but in a natural way. not a druged up-hallucination-freakout kind of a way.
i just feel sleepy.
and i can just sleep.
it's a really wonderful concept.

trapped

people need to fricken get out of our house.

I love them all dearly. i really do.
but i can't go anywhere or do anything without someone there.
sure, i have my room. but going up to my room makes me feel so trapped and clasterphobic when I know all of my other options are gone.

i dont know when i'm really going to get a chance to be alone.
i have the drive to my appt. with Lisa tomorrow. and... that's about it.
tomorrow, joseph's parents are coming over in the afternoon for dinner.
saturday i have work, the gym, then my grandparents are coming over.
sunday, ryann and them leave, which will suck (even if i want the house to myself.... another contradiction in my life, eh?). i'm going to Mass with Nathan, which will be really nice. i dont know what else is going on sunday.
monday i'm going to meet up with my yoga teacher, Lynne. which will be cool- i haven't seen her since last spring.
then i have work and packing.
tuesday early morning i leave w. Nathan to go to tennessee to stay at his aunt and uncles house. so i'll be around all of them constantly until friday when we come home.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i need alone time.
i really do.
i'm going crazy in this head of mine.

and natalie won't stop screaming. and their bedroom is right next to mine.
and so who knows when i'll fall asleep tonight.


really. i do love them all.
but i need time to think.
i need time to process.
i need time to just eat alone and not deal with people ALWAYS around me.
i'm so tired and so drained from eating in front of all of these people all of the time, and i just want to do my own thing.
maybe i'll change my mind in the morning.
i think right now, i'm just really tired and trying not to spaz out.
because the stress and craziness i'm feeling inside me with all of these people around is causing really really really really really strong cutting urges.
because i just need SOMETHING.


ok. so my parents have a tv in their room.
why are they both down here watching it here.
why don't they go upstairs in their room and watch that, so that i can just go and be alone for a half hour and watch something by myself?
LEAVE ME ALONE!
I feel so confined. so trapped.
i can't go anywhere. i can't do anything.
if i go in there and sit down and watch the stupid olympics and be fine, it's not going to happen.
i'm just going to freak out and end up going upstairs and probably be so worked up i'll want to cut even more. i know it. so why bother trying?
but i dont' feel like going to sleep yet.
and i'm not in the frame of mind to read.
so going upstairs is just... being trapped.
it isn't escaping.

i need to get out of here.

Sisters

Since when can I talk to Casey more easily than Ryann? This is strange. I talked to Casey a lot more while at Rogers, and since I've been home. She knows more about my treatment and everything than Ryann does. I never talked to Ryann while I was there. We talked a little bit today while she was nursing Natty, but that's it.
I realize it's busy right now. Everyone is coming and going, and this trip was really short notice and the girls are running around adjusting. It's just weird.
Casey is coming home Sept. 8-12! She'll be here for my birthday. It'll just be her- Robert doesn't have vacation days yet since he only recently started this new job. Casey has a lot left, and a lot of frequent flyer miles and she needs to use them up soon before they expire. I'm excited for her to come. Hopefully I won't be too bogged down with school. It'll be the second week... so it's hard to say.

Uncle Jay and grandpa should be here soon. They leave from here to go up north to my grandpa's house. Nathan should be here soon, too.
I'm excited to see Uncle Jay. It's been way too long. Colorado is too far away.

OHOH OH! Speaking of too far away---- Joseph might be getting transferred to MICHIGAN!!!! The place he'd be working is only 20-30 minutes away, depending on traffic.
AHHHHH!!!!! Ryann might actually be moving back home!!!!!!
I really really really hope he gets the job here. How awesome would be to be within an hour of Ryann and the girls!
That would be so awesome if I could watch them grow up.
I've only seen Natalie a few times and she's already a year old. It sucks.
I'm super excited about this.
I really want my sister back.

Surprise visit

Surprise, surprise! Ryann, Joseph and the girls are home!
Joseph's great uncle died yesterday, so they're home until Sunday.
They were here when I got home from the gym.

Natalie is a little cranky- didn't have a nap today. But she's cute and getting so frickin big, I can't even believe it.
Avery is fun. I've already read Bats at the Beach to her, as promised.
My uncle Jay is home from Colorado for a couple days, too. We were all going to do something tonight but it fell through.
We're all just staying home tonight. Brandon and Jenny, and Nathan are coming over for dinner and to just hang out. We're having pizza tonight... can't even tell you the last time I had that. Kind of nervous. I emailed Lisa, asking how to count that w. exchanges, and she already replied, so I feel better now that I don't have to guess.

Uncle Jay, aunt ruth, grandpa and maybe Brandon, Jenny and Nathan will come over here for lunch tomorrow instead of doing something tonight. I haven't seen Uncle Jay in a really long time, so I'm excited to see him.

Nathan should be here soon, and I want to go play with Avery some more so I'm off.

Starting Over

Do I really need another place to write? Probably not, but what's the harm, right?

My life is so different now. I see a line between before Rogers and after Rogers.
It's weird not being in school, too. I'm really looking forward to going back in a couple of weeks.

Recovery... is hard. I'm working at it.
Sunday was the first day I restricted anything- and even that wasn't too bad. It was more that it was a weird day, schedule wise, so when I got off a little I didn't want to deal with it.

I finally get to get off the maintence plan and onto a healthy weight-loss one. Since I've gained weight whlie on the "maintaince" plan. I guess my metabolism was that bad? But because I've done so well, my exercise gets to increase a little bit more and my MP gets to decrease a little and she's going to work with me on getting me back to my pre-relapse weight. which is awesome.
Lisa, my dietician, is really helping me. Way more than my new therapist.
I'm trying to figure out why I need to see a therapist? I go in there with no huge issue I need help with.
Today we talked a little about how I can't relax when dad is home. I haven't ever been able to. Neither can mom, casey, ryann, etc. So how is talking to her about it going to change anything? That's just the way our family works; dad makes everyone tense.

I don't know.
it seems pointless.
I'll probably lessen the frequency a lot once school starts.
Lisa helps so much and I have other support, so it isn't like seeing Susan is crucial.
I'm still trying to figure out what the point is.