paranoid

I need to go to bed. I'm tired and I could have been asleep hours ago.

But I'm so paranoid.

Ryann said I could stay at their apartment while mom and dad are in Florida, and i want to take her up on that, but it doesn't make sense during my last two finals since i wouldn't be able to study very well with the girls being there in such a small apartment. and then the next couple nights i have plans and will be out late-ish and i dont want to bother them or possibly wake the girls up or anything by coming in late. Friday they move into their new house (!!!) i might ask to stay there with them that night. Saturday night i'll be in the hospital so i'll be okay, maybe i'll stay there sunday and monday night. mom and dad will be home on Tuesday.

Reason im paranoid? my neighbor.

last week, around midnight i saw really bright flashlights in my backyard as i was watching tv waiting to get sleepy. i freaked out, turned off the tv and the lights and watched to see who was out there. It was a cop, with a dog, walking around my backyard, apparently looking for someone. he then went into the front yard, so i went up to my room to look out my bedroom window and get a better view. Two cop cars in my driveway and one in the street. I cracked my window open to try to hear them. all i could hear was "if you dont find anything in a half hour, lets clear out" two of the cops left, leaving the one with the dog to continue to circle the house, looking in the trees, the bushes, between our cars, in the barn, the shed, everywhere. I followed him around, going from window to window, upstairs and downstairs. he finally left, walking down our road (i live at the dead end of a dirt road), and he didn't come back.

i told my dad the next morning (who wasn't happy that i didnt wake him up that night) and he called the police to see what was up and all they told him was that it was a missing persons report. which seemed odd to us.
The next morning, mom and casey saw a cop car in our neighbors driveway while on their way to church. that night, or maybe it was Monday, i was in our living room on the computer. (our living room is in the front of the house and has a huge window). it was shortly after midnight and i saw the stupid flashlight again. the cop was on our front deck and he clearly saw me. he knocked on the door. i motioned i'd be there in a minute and ran upstairs to wake up my dad. Dad went down and talked to him and he said he wanted to warn us about our neighbor, mark (who is my age). Said he's "whacked" (cops words) and that he's been in and out of the hospital, but they can only keep him there for 24 hours at a time. the rest of the time he's been hiding out and they've tracked him to our yard. Cop said hes found him between our cars. probalby in our back woods, too, i'm assuming. he didn't go into too much detail. He just said that at the moment he was in a hospital but that he'd be released again soon. he said to make sure we lock our cars and the house all the time. that was all he said.

every night, around midnight, i make sure all of the lights are off and i listen for cars and watch for flashlights. usually im ok, but now that im home alone i'm a little freaked out.

Ryann said the other week, before any of this was going on, her and joseph took a walk in our woods and she found what looked to be a fire pit. she said there was a flower pot that was dug into the ground (she thought it looked like a makeshift toilet, but didnt want to dig to find out. ha). we haven't been in our woods in forever. we dont use flowerpots. we've never had a fire back there.
Ryann told dad, who thought she was too imaginative and dismissed it. ("now i know where Avery gets her imagination from")

Ryann told me that after i told her about the cops and Mark. Apparently only Ryann and I see the connection.

I'm not scared that Mark is going to hurt us in any way. I dont see why he would since we haven't even seen or spoken to him in years. but still, i'm afraid he's in our woods, i'm afraid he can see me when im here. once it gets dark i keep all of the lights out so he can't see in (assuming he's there).

the cops haven't been back, at least i haven't seen them. so i'm guessing this is a good sign. but still. where did he go?

Ryann said i could stay with them.. but like i said, it doesn't make sense until Friday night. Maybe thursday.

Jessica and i were planning on having her spend the night a couple times while mom and dad are gone. but i dont want to bring her here when im already paranoid about being here.

i know im crazy for worrying. but it's unnerving not knowing what's going on with him. he was a trouble maker as we were growing up. so i know what he's capable of as a boy... i can't imagine him as a 23 year old.

i dont like it.