new pants

i realized a few days ago i didn't have any black pants or anything dressy-ish for christmas eve. so i braved going to kohls for pants. always terrifying.
it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. i still don't like the size that i am. but it hasn't gone up, so that helped. the black pants are a size smaller than before and the jeans i found for 1/2 off (sweet!) are the same size as before, but they're big on me. so... *deep breath*
i hate clothes shopping. too anxiety provoking and stressful.

i'm finally noticing a change in my body, i think. i've had more time to add more weight training and variety into my workouts. and ive been running 11 minutes a few times a week... and no broken bones! i don't know. i'm still being patient... but it's still hard.

but i went and got black pants, and still went home and ate lunch afterwards, even though i was uncomfortable with the size.
so i think that was successful.

but i still miss being a size 0. and i still miss wearing skirts from the girls department, because size 0 was too big.

maybe that's sick and twisted, but i miss it. i miss being tiny. i miss seeing my bones. i miss my pants becoming too big all the time.

i still haven't accepted that i'll never be there again.
i still have all of my small pants.

afterall- ryann is tiny, and she's healthy... right? why can't that happen to me, too?
i should give her my old clothes, since they're not doing anyone any good sitting in my closet-- but i think it would be too hard to see her wearing them, and knowing that i can't fit into them anymore. and knowing that's had 2 kids already, eats whatever she wants and never works out.

but i'm not bitter.




i hope that one day, trying on clothes won't be tramatic.
i hope that one day i can be comfortable in my skin.

today isn't that day.
but maybe one day.