Anger

so i guess i know now what had been building up for the last little while.


i just spent a good hour in my room crying my eyes out.
i sat down on my bed, about to read a little, when everything just hit me, like it would at Roger's, and i couldn't stop crying.

i shouldn't be surprised.
the last month or so has been nothing but school.
the last couple weeks, all about finals, the week before that, panic attacks.
something had been building. but i never let myself slow down enough to feel it. i'm good at doing that. keep busy, and you don't have to think about life.

it still surprises me how these few things stick with me. still bother me.
i had new realizations tonight, which surprise me, too.


there's a lot of anger inside of me still.
a lot of hurt.
a lot of resentment.
a lot of pain.
a lot of haunting memories.
memories of everything. pain, fear, darkness.
so vivid.
it's still raw.
very raw.

i guess ive never fully gotten it outside of me.
the anger.
i've always taken it out on myself.
angry? cut myself
angry? don't eat
angry? go lose 30 pounds.

there's always been a lot of factors that drove what i've done. a lot of different things that fueled the cutting and the ED.
but one thing has always been a constant--- anger.

the red, sore, bleeding cuts to me just screamed anger. angry red lines. angry pain. angry scars.
the pain in my stomach, the hunger, that screamed anger, too.
the bones, the more they stuck out, the louder they screamed anger.

i guess it makes sense, that now i'm not turning to those behaviors, that I'M going to be the one feeling the anger first hand.
it was always my body feeling the anger. it was never my mind.

i'd been protecting myself.




so now what?